Thursday, January 8, 2015

What Do You Need?

I had to break the ice on the ducks' water tub this morning. And it wasn't just a thin sheet of ice, either. It is cold out there. Okay, probably not as cold as where many of you are, but for us thin-blooded Floridians, plenty cold enough.

I have nothing I have to do today. No one to take care of. I have an entire day to stay in, stay warm. Well, a friend is bringing over another rooster. She got chicks and can't keep the roosters and so we are taking one. I'll put him in the coop today and keep him there for awhile. And more birds will be accepted at the Moon Shelter For Redundant Fowl. Seriously. Seventeen birds?

Despite the day ahead of me with no obligations I am feeling anxious. My antidepressant prescription has almost run out and I haven't heard from the pharmacy who is supposed to call my doctor to get it renewed. How's that for irony? And there are other things going on. Nothing huge. And maybe part of it is the horror going on in the world but there is always horror going on in the world. We are supposed to go to Apalachicola this weekend and although that is supposed to be fun and it will be fun, it causes me to feel apprehensive. It takes so little to do that. Any break from my routine (rut) and I get jangly and buzzy in the blood. Or maybe it's all just me. Maybe it's bad chemicals and a brain that got fucked up when I was a kid. Or maybe when I was a baby. Or maybe while I was still inside my mother. Who knows? Not me.
I just know I hate it. I feel crippled. I feel less-than.

Anyway, Kelly came by and brought the rooster. I'm not sure it IS a rooster. He or she is only four months old. A big baby. And what an astounding looking bird!

He or she looks like a chicken that arose from the brush of Pablo Picasso. 
But here we are with one more chicken (I am almost certain it's a chicken) which is going to have to find its way into the flock. I am thinking that if it is a rooster, perhaps we should name him Mick Jagger. Mick is definitely a colorful bird, a strut-strut rooster. Or if it's a hen, we could call her Brenda which is what Keith and Charlie Watts used to call Mick behind his back. Although Mr. Moon's sister is named Brenda and I am not sure she'd appreciate that. 
Whatever we name this bird, I hope to make it feel safe, to keep it healthy and well. 

Ah well. Here I am, ruminating over nothing, trying to keep my buzzy blood from boiling up. Should I get back in bed and read? Sit in front of the TV and knit? Actually do some housecleaning? 

I don't know. It is as calm and peaceful in my house as it could be anywhere in the world, the light filtering in through the windows, the cat asleep on the chair beside me, the heat purring through the vent, the muted sound of the birds chattering from outside. 

And for no reason whatsoever, I want to cry. If I had a mommy, I would call for her as Gibson does his mommy, or for me if she is not around.
"I need you," he says. 

We all need, don't we? 
Air, water, food, music, love, peace, warmth, shelter, safety, work to do to make us feel fulfilled, to feel needed, good books to read. 

My goddam antidepressants. Etc.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. If I could, I would drive down there and give you a hug.

  2. Hello again Ms. Moon, I have been reading your posts for a few days now since I found you via John Gray . I am sorry that you have problems with depression, and hope you get your pills soon. A friend of mine spent 2 weeks in bed a while ago with something similar until the drugs kicked in. It is only the 3rd time in her life she has had the problem, so wasn't on regular meds, and it took a while to get under control. It must be horrid! I have never been to USA, though we did have a couple of weeks with relatives in Canada 20 years ago. Hope you feel better soon. X

  3. Get some chocolate in you, STAT! And for the love of God, stay away from Joni Mitchell music today.

    The bird looks like a condor or a vulture. Lol!

    Take precious care today. Like only do what you feel you can handle. If crying feels good, do it. Maybe you just have a clogged up system and you need to purge it.

  4. Lois- Oh, I'll be okay. I will take your hug in my mind and I will hug you back. Thank you.

    Frances- Depression, anxiety- they are horrible and it makes life very difficult. Many layered problems and pains. Thank you for your words. They comfort me.
    Maybe someday you WILL visit this country. We are not all insane gun-toters here. I promise.

    heartinhand- Ah! Advice I will gladly take. Thank you.

  5. whoa, those last few lines made me think I dreamed last night about calling for my mother something that is laden heavily with crap for me. my mother was a self centered woman who didn't like little kids and didn't like to be touched.

    that is one crazy looking chicken. I hope it's a rooster, I think it would look better as a rooster than a hen.

    and it is freezing cold here too. bird baths frozen solid and a thick layer of ice on the buckets of rainwater and the tub of parrot feather and other associated tubs of water plants.

  6. "I just know I hate it. I feel crippled. I feel less-than."

    I'll just gently remind you to be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, perhaps not hate the feeling but hold it close, like you do those boys, that man, those chickens. It's all part of you, worthy of and deserving of love.

  7. Ellen Abbott- See- me too. I can't ever remember being comforted by my mother but goddam it, I think all mammals have the wired-in knowledge that we should be now and then. Don't you?
    You're probably correct as to Mick/Brenda being a better looking rooster than a hen. Whatever, it is interesting.

    Hank- Could be a grouse-pheasant mix? Haha! Maybe it's one of those original chicken ancestors. It's very tame.

  8. Elizabeth- You are my heart-sister. Thank you.

  9. Just imagine me with all my winter clothes on outside jumping up and down on a similar if not identical water tub turned upside down to break up the ice so I can give my birds some new always amuses me...Keep on keeping on, dear.
    hugs from Vermont where the men women and children are so wrapped up you can't tell who is who...

  10. Considering how much you love chickens, I don't see how giving one Brenda's name could be offensive.

    Take care, you.

  11. Sending you a warm virtual hug from cold NYC.

  12. Get on the phone and call the doctor or nurse who prescribed the antidepressant and tell them you must have a refill. Don't rely on the pharmacy to do this

  13. Music, I think. Something you can't listen to and not dance. Turn up the volume and boogie around with a rag or a broom. If you can, let the scary thoughts float through, like clouds. Sometimes, for me, anxiety about the anxiety is the scariest part. How long will this last, how bad will it get, what if this time it never eases? Don't know, but putting all that aside --can I be ok right now in this moment ? Uncomfortable, maybe buzzing and shaky, but breathing through it one breath at a time? Well, always easier to coach from this side of the dark cloud. Blessings.

  14. It's probably partly the upcoming weekend away. We are so alike. Take it slow dear heart.

  15. Mick IS an astounding looking bird! So colourful! I think a chicken named Brenda would be kind of hilarious...

    Hope you feel better and more settled and at ease. I bet the weather influences this mood a lot. It's hard to feel placid on such an unusually bitterly cold day.

  16. Well, I love that rooster and his colors. I understand the low down feeling. Haven't had it in a while though. I miss those who are gone. But there are days now when they are there just in the corner of my mind, not flooding it. And that's good because it lets me enjoy the day.

  17. OMG. What a bird.
    Hope you get your meds. I hate that anxious about the anxiety meds anxiety.

  18. Oh you got me with this one. That, "I need you." I feel you.


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