A Celebration Of Life For My Very Much Alive Darling Girl

Thirty years ago today was definitely the worst day of my life. I never mark the anniversary though. I believe that is because even thinking about the day slams me right back to the day and I am overwhelmed, drowning in the emotions I had, the fear I felt.
The event that happened on that day, which I do not want to remember but absolutely will never forget, is that May got hit by a car on her way to school. 

Look. I'm not going to go into details about injuries because there just is no need but they were extensive and the fact that she is here today, that she can, as she said to me, walk and dance all these years later is some sort of miracle. 

It was every parents' nightmare, from the phone call at seven something in the morning to getting to the hospital where she was taken, not knowing a damn thing about what had happened except that she'd been in an accident and the police called me to tell me. They called Glen too, and although he was at least four miles away and I was about four blocks away from the hospital, he beat me there. He opened the door of the ambulance. 

All right. That's all I want to say about it right now. Or maybe ever again. My baby May, sixteen years old, had been grievously injured. That is enough to know. 

So last night when she texted me and asked if Daddy and I would like to meet her and Michael for lunch as it was the thirtieth anniversary of her accident and she wanted a little celebration of life, of course I said I absolutely would. And Glen did too. He'd gotten home just a few hours before but he knew how important this was. 
 
And we did meet them. I put on a very blue dress and even make-up and perfume. Hell. I wore real shoes! And the swankiest bracelet I own. Mr. Moon dressed in a long sleeved button up shirt and a pair of nice Levi's and off we went to downtown Tallahassee which neither of us has visited in many years. And there were Michael and my darling, dancing May who was so strong and who is so strong and so beautiful and why the heck didn't I take a picture of her and Michael? I just didn't even think about it. I was too busy taking them in. 
We hugged and hugged and hugged. And we talked for two hours while we ate delicious lunches under the oak trees and sky. 

I was so glad to be there. So honored that May asked us to join them. I told her that if all those years ago on this date, I could have seen the tiniest glimpse of what we'd be doing today, it would have relieved me so much. We talked about the accident a little. Mostly the funny things that happened because funny things did happen and we clung to them as proof that my girl was going to live, and how much we loved her surgeon who put her leg back together. There were some tears but it was mostly joy that here we were. Strong and alive and loving each other so much. 

"Life." said Kurt Vonnegut, "There is just no stopping it." 

And here's a tiny bit of life from Lloyd today.

This little anole was almost right in the center of one of my sea grape leaves. Can you imagine being so tiny that you don't even bend a sea-grape leaf? Also- if I had those eyes, I'd never have to put on eye shadow again. 

The tea olive blooms are more fragrant right now than any other year I can remember. 

I picked two tiny branches of them to bring into the kitchen and put in a vase with two late roses. 

Life, no matter what, does indeed hold sweetness even if it is so small that we hardly see it. Recognizing it and holding it close is important, I think. 

May and I held each other close today and the sweetness was immense. I am beyond grateful that we can and that we did. 

Happy day of still dancing, May. Your mama loves you. But you know that. 

Love...Ms. Moon

No Trad Wives In This House

Here's the only picture I've taken all day long. It's a loaf of sourdough that I baked this morning. Jessie recently went to a nutritionist who told her that she could probably tolerate sourdough bread very well, unlike regular bread. So Jessie asked me if I still had starter and I did and I do so I gave it a few feedings and yesterday I started a loaf to see if it was viable and I think I can safely say that it is. So I will pass some starter off to her. 

Mr. Moon has arrived safely at Tallahassee International Airport. What a joke that name is. I doubt a plane has ever flown to another country from that airport. Hell, you have to go to Atlanta to get anywhere from here. Which is where Mr. Moon's last flight was from today.

So he should be here in less than an hour. For his return I've got spaghetti sauce simmering made with venison. That will go nicely with the sourdough. 

I had an appointment with the massage therapist today. Hank and Rachel were just leaving when I got there. They, too, had seen her. This woman does not do full-body massage. She works on specific areas that you may be having problems with. In my case today- this sciatica thing. And so instead of it being a dreamy, delicious hour of new age music and peaceful relaxation, it's sort of painful at times. It was a little painful for me today. She got right into that glute and found the muscles that are so tightly holding the nerve and she worked on them. She was careful not to inflame it more than it already was and honestly, after forty-five minutes I am feeling no pain at all in that area although I am aware that it might hurt tomorrow but that's to be expected. This woman is such a good person. On her website she says, "You are safe on my table." And that covers a lot of ground and she means it. Also, she does not take tips. What she charges is what you pay and if she feels like you only need forty-five minutes of work, she charges you for forty-five minutes of work. 
Everyone should be so ethical. 

I am listening to a murder of crows who are right across the railroad tracks and they sound agitated about something. I wonder what they're talking about. I wonder how it will feel to my husband to come home to this place in Lloyd where his wife, his chair, and his bed are. I imagine he's going to miss the camaraderie of his buddies, the beautiful skies he's been seeing, the feeling of being away and on an adventure. It's always feels like a small disturbance in the ether when he gets home, and there is always a short period of adjustment for both of us. But adjust we always do. 

I think Maurice feels that something is about to happen. She seems on high alert although that could be because she just chased a rather pretty black and white cat off the property. I've never seen this one before. It looked too well-fed and well-groomed to be a feral but whatever it is, Maurice will not have it. She will never allow another cat in this house again as far as I can see. 

I should go put on lipstick and my sexiest apron and make a martini to have in hand for when my husband comes through the door, right? 

Uh. No. I mean, I'll gladly make the martini and I did put on some tinted Chapstick today so I think I'm good. Who needs an apron when you're wearing overalls? They're my prettiest ones. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Laughing And Crying

So. Here's a fun story! 
You see this lovely, sweet kitty cat? 

Such a pretty little tiger. She even came in to sleep with me last night. 
Again, about 3 a.m. whereupon she scratched and scratched the bed and meowed to let me know she was there and finally she settled down, snugged up beside me and I got back to sleep. She was still there when I woke up. 

And when I had attended to my morning routine and gotten dressed, I headed towards the kitchen to get my coffee and there, in the hallway, I spied something that I could not identify. It was long. Slim. But not too slim. For a second, I thought perhaps it was one of the zinnias that I'd cut and put in a vase there on the floor but no, it was not and I realized that what I was looking at was some sort of rodent tail and it was at least six to seven inches long and there were also some other tender vittles lying beside it and when I say "tender vittles" I mean innards of the creature who had had its tail removed. 
Oh, fuck me. 
I really tried to tell myself that it had been a possum because do rats really have tails that long? but then I realized that yes, they certainly can! I just pray with all of my atheistic-ish heart Maurice caught that thing outside and brought it in because if I have things like that living in my house we have to move. 

I found some more guts in the library as well as some furry part that had been on the outside of the rodent. I cleaned all that up and I survived because I am a crazy strong bitch but actually, no, I am not, there was just no one else to clean it up and I certainly was not going to be looking at that mess all day long. 

Life in Lloyd. TOO MUCH NATURE! 

I am now assuming that it is not only cats that Maurice fights with who mess her face up. Hell, she's probably out wrestling bears at night too. I don't know. I just know that every time I hear her scratching on my bed at 3 o'clock in the morning I'll be envisioning her cleaning guts and blood off her claws. 

I worked outside some this afternoon and realized, as I walked past the tea olive that it is blooming again. The fragrance of a tea olive is absolutely one of the most enchanting things I know. Somehow, it's also one of the most feminine fragrances I know. It smells of fancy face powder like Edith Piaf might have worn, and apricots and peaches and something I cannot identify. It's at once ethereal and pungent. But sweetly so. 

Mr. Moon will be home tomorrow night. I assume he's coming home. I know he's had the very best time with his guys. I can't even imagine. Actually, I try not to imagine. I am quite sure that a lot of meat cooked over a fire as well as brown liquor, are involved. Also hunting dogs and the...you know- hunting. 
Sigh. 
As I always say, I do not understand in the least why he loves this so much but I absolutely understand that he does and since it's part of who he is, I have to respect that he needs to go on these trips. 
In my own way, of course. 

I played a little more piano today but it made me so sad. I'm just so bad at it. And yet, even in my sadness, I was glad I was doing it. 

Pine cone lilies in the afternoon sun. 

For some reason, the phrase, Laughing and crying, you know it's the same release, from Joni Mitchell's song "People's Parties" is in my head. So. Here. You can listen to it if you want. Don't bother if you don't.

Talk about ethereal...

Love...Ms. Moon

One Must Attend The Rites Of Friday, No Matter What

Mr. Moon is the one getting all the great pictures lately and he so sweetly sends me some of them. 

This may be a rather off-beat post. Or it may not. As always, I really have no idea what I'll be writing about when I open up a new post. But here's the thing- no matter how my day has been, emotionally or physically, the feeling I get when I sit down to write is as good to me now as it was when I started back in the very olden days. According to my stats which I just looked at for the very first time, I have written almost 9,500 posts. 
Man. That's a lot of words. 

So. How HAS today been, Ms. Moon? 
Well, fine. As my Sue used to say, I've had the saddies, but it's not the continual weeping saddies so that's good. I haven't been able to tell one bit of difference since I've upped the dosage of one of my anti-depressants which the doctor recommended. But you know- it can take time. What it feels like to me is that I am becoming inert. I lack the ability to move. To move to travel, to move to go to town farther than where my perceived safety zone is, to move to go see other people, to do anything new, to move to start or finish projects that I really want and need to do. I have a strong desire to become invisible. 

Well, hello! 

Except for here where I can write it all which is a way of being seen but not seen, too.

I washed the sheets today although I've been sleeping so soundly that I'm not even sure I've moved in the night and I always take a shower before I go to bed. But routine- now that is something I can do. So yes, clean sheets on the bed.
Went to Costco to get a few things I needed, saw Brenda, hugged her.

Went to The Wharf and had shrimp for lunch making it the fourth time this week that I've had shrimp for a meal. So what? It's like I'm going down the Bubba Gump list of what you can do with shrimp. I've had the ginger shrimp twice (once was leftovers), barbecued shrimp (last night) and grilled shrimp for lunch. 

I worked in the yard, doing some more digging up of crocosmia and other assorted unwanted plants. 

That's what happens when I loosen the soil under crocosmia plants and dig in with my trowel and hand to try and bring out the corms. And that is pretty much everywhere in this particular area as well as some more of the beds in the yard. 

But. 

When I am working in that bed and look up, this is what I see. Not the oldest tree on the property or the largest one either, but it is substantial. 

Played some piano. Why do I do this? I think because when I get the notes right, as rarely and slowly and stutteringly as I do, it brings a sense of harmony into me. 

The sun is below the tree line and it is growing less light with every second. Maurice is napping on a pillow on a chair a few feet away from me. Her eyes are slitted and I know that she is keeping watch over the backyard. A little while ago, something streaked across the yard right by the back of the house where we're sitting. Something of good size. Not a squirrel. She and I both startled. I stood up to see if it was still in sight and Maurice ran to the place in the screen that she's ripped out to make it easier to come and go, and stuck her head out to look too.
"What was that?" I asked my cat. 
"I have no idea," she said. I swear. She said that. 
So of course she's now on high alert. It was probably the feral cat that lives over by the garage who is also probably the one she gets into fights with all the time. 

Please know I am fine. I am not lonely. I am just...Mary. And this is how Mary is sometimes. No need to try and cheer me up, PLEASE! Odds are good that tomorrow life will look as rosy as...a rose?

Anyway, and besides all of this nonsense, I have made my own martini and am sipping it and saying, Happy Friday, y'all! 

Love...Ms. Moon

In Which I Hear What Harvey Has To Say

 Last night Mr. Moon and I texted back and forth about our respective suppers. He and the other hunter guys were eating shrimp that he'd taken all the way to Canada in a Yeti ice chest ON THE AIRPLANE! 
Y'all have no idea how crazy my husband is. But in a good way.
So while he was sending me pictures of all the different ways they were cooking shrimp, I was sending him pictures of what I was eating. Above you see the cauliflower and asparagus, neither of which are favorites of his. 

Carrots and orange bell peppers. 

Scallions.

And of course...

The tofu. There were other things that got thrown in there too like spinach and mushrooms, ginger, garlic. In fact, the only thing I really used from the recipe was the peanut sauce. 

So after I sent all these pictures to my husband he texted back, "Go ahead girl!" 
And I did. 

Here's what the temperature on my porch was this morning when I got up.

It was chilly, indeed! But perfectly lovely. 

I headed out for a walk around noon and I enjoyed the so-very blue sky and the way the green trees looked against it. There is an intensity of the colors, I think, at this time of year. 

Not a good picture but I did not care to cross through the devil's needles to get closer. I thought these were black-eyed susans but my plant app says they are swamp sunflowers which sounds about right for North Florida. 

I had an interesting encounter with Harvey. We talked for quite awhile. I saw him when I was on my way home, picking up some things from the yard where the unbelievable amount of junk is and putting them in a bucket. And then he started walking back to his place, about half a mile away or so. I caught up with him when he stopped for a break and immediately he began telling me that the people who owned that property had told him he could have what he'd taken and I absolutely believe that to be true but I think he may have been worried that I would think he'd stolen the stuff which, as far as I could tell, were some random parts of random equipment, none of which I could identify. 
Now, it's hard for me to understand Harvey. Not only does he have a very deep and pronounced patois, he also has very few teeth and there may be other things going on there that I am not sure of. But honestly, I only get about a tenth of what he says. Today he seemed to just want to talk about how he had permission to take that stuff and also, the guy who lives next door to the yard with all the stuff in it. Now the guy who lives there is someone I've spoken to several times at the post office and he has an interesting story but I feel it may be his only story. It's also a tragic story. He is gay and I guess his entire family has disconnected from him and he had a husband who was sick with AIDS. He took care of his husband until he died and now he is alone and from what I think Harvey said, he'd talked to Harvey and shown him a picture of his deceased husband and talked in great length about how his family has abandoned him because he is gay and all of this upset Harvey a great deal. 
Let us just say that Harvey is not very comfortable around men who show him pictures of their husbands. "I ain't got time for that!" he said at least five times. 
I told Harvey that I had a lot of gay folks in my family but he really did not seem to want to converse as much as he wanted to tell his story of this encounter and also, the junk he'd picked up in the yard. For a few minutes he talked about how hard it was for him and how people look down on him, but that he survives. He has not committed suicide and he is trying to get his property back together. I told him that I think he is one of the strongest people I know and that is the damn truth. Anyone who can live on a small piece of land, basically in a truck up on blocks with no electricity has to be strong. 
There was more but as I said, I could not understand a lot of it. We parted and I walked on but before we did, he said, "When I see you, I wave because that's all I have." 
Oh my god. And you know what? That is just about all he has. 
He did discuss his Lord Jesus sign with the two white flags which symbolize peace and how someone had told him he should take that down. I told him that it's his property and he can put up any sign he wants. Hell, I'd rather see that sign any day than a Trump sign. 

I wanted so very much to ask him if I could take his picture. His face is truly beautiful. But I just couldn't. I'd have to tell him that I write about him on a blog and I seriously doubt he has any idea what a blog is and I really didn't want to get all deep into that. Maybe one of these days. 

And I walked on home to my beautiful house that shelters us and gives us privacy and has beds and a kitchen with a stove and refrigerator, and electricity and a generator and bathrooms with showers and toilets and a heater and an air conditioner and a TV and computers and water that comes out of taps in four rooms of the house, not a spigot outside. 
I had a lot to think about. 

And again, the day has flown by. I cleaned the door in the kitchen, clearing it of cobwebs and polishing the glass panes in it. 

You have no idea how much better it looks now and I should be embarrassed to admit that but I am not for some reason. 

I tried to do some more clearing of the bed by the fence in the front yard but it became apparent to me in just a few minutes that I can either take a walk or I can do yard work. I cannot do both on the same day. Knees, hip, god I'm a mess. 
This depressed me more than I can say and that is all I want to say about that. 

Here's a picture that Mr. Moon sent me this morning. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Winter Is Coming. My Toes Are Ready

This morning when I made the bed, I took the duckling off and replaced it with the real duck which has spent the summer in a closet, rolled tight and stored in a plastic bag. It is supposed to get down to fifty degrees tonight, forty-three tomorrow night. For many of us here, this is frigid weather, barely tolerable, but when it comes to bedtime, I leave the window open at least four or five inches, and then snuggle down deep in the cotton and down and I am as happy as I can be. 
And yes, the fan will be on too. 

After speaking so harshly about Maurice in yesterday's post, she did indeed come and sleep with me. However, she decided not to bother me until 3:00 a.m. at which time she jumped on the bed, then jumped on me and walked back and forth across my body a few times. 
I suppose she wanted to alert me to the fact that she was there but then, before she settled down, she went into puke mode. 
Maurice rarely, if ever, pukes. Jack vomited all the time but not Maurice. So I was a bit shocked. She had the excellent manners to only cough up a tiny blade of grass on the bed before jumping off and finding places in the laundry room and dining room to continue her purging. 
Sigh.
And then she settled back on the bed and we went to sleep and all was well. She was still there when I woke up this morning. When I got out of bed she looked at me with sleepy slitted cat eyes as if to ask, "Must we? Really?" but she jumped off and followed me to the kitchen. 

So she is back in my good graces. Mostly.

I swear, here it is Wednesday and I have done so very little with my time alone! I've gotten nothing done I had planned to do when Mr. Moon was gone. And he'll be back on Sunday! 
Today was taken up by meeting Lily and Jessie and Lauren in town where we went to the fancy kitchen store and I got a bench scraper and some new biscuit cutters. I've never had a bench scraper and I definitely think I need one. Now, as to biscuit cutters, I generally use a glass but the one I always use broke, I guess. I can't find it. It was an old wine glass. I liked it because it was the right size and, being a wine glass, was thin enough on the edges to make a nice biscuit. But now I have an entire set of them of various sizes and I am pretty excited about that. 

I really need to get a life, don't I?

Then the four of us had lunch and we laughed so hard. Boud always tells us what was discussed at her knitting group and I enjoy that so I'll give you a little bit of what we discussed over lunch. Children of all ages and stages, feeling guilty because as mothers that's what we do, misgendering people, people who post on FB about their sexual proclivities (S&M in this particular case) which really should have trigger warnings on them, why I find Beyond Meat to be scary (I know it's really not but that's how I feel), and other sundry things that I can't remember but we sure did find a lot of them to be hilarious. 

Then Lauren had to go to work and Lily and Jessie and I met Rachel at a nail place and we got our toenails done. 

I am back to my long-time love, OPI's "I'm Not Really A Waitress." I've had fun with aquas and blues over the summer but it is now the season for my toenails to be deep red. I think it's so funny how my toes are kinking up the same as my fingers with the toe knuckles swelling, just as my finger knuckles are. 

 

And so that was a beautiful day and I loved it and I got to see some of my babies and my feet feel beautiful, even in their aging and changing. And so what if I didn't have time to stitch or play piano?

Speaking of aging- I picked my last zinnias when I went outside to pick arugula. They are getting very small but they are still bright reminders of what summer brings. I think, if anything, their colors are even more beautiful than they were a month or so ago.

Some of those blooms aren't much bigger than a nickel. 

I believe that tonight's supper will be something based on this.

There will be more vegetables though, and I may cook some noodles to go with it, rather than rice. 

Stay cozy, everyone. 

Love...Ms. Moon

In Which I Stretch The Boundaries Just A Little Tiny Bit

Yesterday Lily texted me to ask if I was interested in going to Gibson's band concert which was this evening at 6:30. Now I have to tell you- I do not go out at night. I just don't. I can't remember the last time I drove in the dark.  
But what's a MerMer to do? A MerMer has to represent and that's all there is to it. And so I went. 
I was extremely disconcerted. Oh wait. That's sort of a pun. I didn't mean to make it and yet, there it is. But seriously- it messed with my head to change up my routine that much. At 6:30 I am writing a blog post. It goes without saying. But somehow I managed to hack my way out of my precious routine and got dressed and drove to Swift Creek Middle School to attend a band concert. 
And I am so glad I did. 

It was held in the cafetorium which is a word that was not invented when I was in school. As small as my school was, we had a cafeteria and a big auditorium. It may not have been as big as I remember but it was it's own thing with a stage and many seats. 

But this was a small concert and it was hard to see Gibson from where we were sitting, or actually, from where anyone was sitting because the music stands covered their faces. 

In that picture he popped up so we could all wave at him. 
He's in the jazz band, playing trombone as you can see from the first photo. Gibson has always loved to perform unlike his brother Owen who would rather die than be on a stage. 
I got to sit between my Owen and my Maggie and I really had the best time. The music was great. Even when it wasn't really exactly in tune it was still enthusiastic and all of the songs were swingy and dancey and I loved watching the band teacher conduct because she was good. That's her above and to the right of Gibson's head. 

Also- and forgive me but any parent or grandparent will not judge me on this- the concert was short and it was sweet. As Lily said, it was probably her favorite of all the kids' concerts she's been to. 
Mine too. 

And then I drove home in the dark and I did fine. No one, either human or animal, was harmed in the making of that movie. 

Do I now want to just expand my world and get out there more at night?

Uh. No. But I sure am glad I did today.

I took a walk this morning too. It's been awhile. My sciatic nerve thing has still lingered but has gotten much, much better so today I decided to risk flaring it up and took a short Lloyd walk. There are some nice flowers out there right now.

That's a confederate rose which I always describe as the Prom Queen of all flowers. It's not from my yard. Our confederate rose got sadder and sadder every year and finally, Mr. Moon just trimmed it all the way back. A lot of the branches were rotten. It simply does not get enough sun where it was planted and being a member of the hibiscus family, it does love the sun, not unlike its cousin, the okra blossom.

This plant looks all innocent and daisy-like but let me tell you, its name, Devil's Needles, may give you a clue as to how it definitely is not. The plant loves to spread its seeds by fashioning them in such a way that they will stick to everything and anything. It is also called Beggarticks because those seeds will stick to your shoes and socks and long pants so profusely that you're tempted to just throw the garments away rather than trying to painstakingly pull each and every one by hand. But the bees like them, I hear, and the blossoms are pretty. 

Here we have Blue Mistflower. It's a native and I think it's lovely. This was growing across from the GDDG. 

I wanted to check on the status of the fally-down house after the recent storms. 

It is becoming one with the earth slowly but evermore surely. 

And one last flower.

Another firespike blossom in my own yard. 

I was so glad to take a walk but I can tell that it did my sciatica no favors. I will probably not walk tomorrow but go again on Thursday. I have made an appointment with a massage therapist we know who does not do full-body massages but works on specific areas which are being problematic. Why it has taken me so long to think about going to see her is a mystery. 

And now I'm going to go eat leftovers from last night. My shrimp was so good and I added more vegetables than the recipe called for, of course, plus other things. 

I've had a good day. And I am pretty sure that Mr. Moon has too. My only real complaint is that Maurice, after sleeping with us a few times has not returned and dammit! All I ask from that cat is a little bit of coziness. Now that she knows she can, she has no more interest in it. She'd rather go out and get in fights, I guess. 

Sigh.

Love...Ms. Moon