I think part of my blues today has been about feeling that I am just whiling away my time before I die, doing nothing whatsoever of importance or real stimulation. I do my little projects and chores, I grow my little patch of vegetables. I see my kids and grandkids. I cook. I do crosswords. I listen to books, I read books.
I used to do that. I used to travel and see friends and give parties and go to parties and go out to hear music and shop and all of those things and now I do laundry. I bake bread. I spend a great deal of time chastising myself for all the things I know I should change about myself but do not.
I say "almost" because I'm a good cook. I am not inadequate in the kitchen.
I weeded some in the garden this afternoon, using my new garden kneeler. Kneeling on it is sort of awkward for me. I don't feel close enough to the dirt so what I did was use it to sit on, alternating with kneeling on the actual ground. This is good because I do not stay in one position for too long which we all know is what ends up hurting so much. I want to get some of the ground cleared to plant peas and potatoes because it is time. They are supposed to be in the ground by Valentine's Day. I did enjoy that. I activated Ralph the Robot but he had some issues, none of which were his fault. At one point he got stuck under the guest room bed and when I went to free him, I discovered that the floor was wet in there around the bed. I am still mystified. It does not smell like cat pee AND there seemed to be too great of a volume for it to have come from even two cats. I can't see a leak in the ceiling (in there anyway) and the bed does not appear to be wet. So after I got Ralph all cleaned up and set to rights I mopped that room.
I picked some more camellias.
All the ones that have re-entered life, I suppose.
Please, please do not tell me that I do plenty. That my life is not small, that I am not just sitting here waiting to die.
Tell me instead, if you want to- have you ever felt this way?
I honestly don't know what I'd do without this blog to write. It is the best thing I do for myself each day. Thank you for being part of that. And for those of you who write your own blogs that I read. We are somehow part of a true community and I am so grateful for it.