Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Running On This Wheel As Fast As I Can

Cold morning and going to get colder. Birds flocking to the feeder. Chickens clamoring to get out.
Good morning.
I've got to stop having these dreams. I just can't deal. I have to go onstage. I'm late. No clue as to script. Costume? Please. No idea. Yesterday I was adopting (stealing) children. Their mother said, "Take 'em!" I did. They didn't seem to mind, those children, coming along with me.
Jesus. Why is my mind so crazy? Why can't I have a pleasant dream? A dream not fraught with panic, anxiety?

I have a dentist appointment at noon. Just a cleaning and making arrangements with the doc to get this crown made and put in place. No big deal. Yet I am skin-creeping with anxiety.

I've used that word twice now. I'll try to stop.

Watched The Great British Bake Off again last night. Okay. I'm not sure about this. Mary Berry and her fellow-judge, Paul Hollywood (!) seem obsessed with EVERY cracker (cake, whatever) being exactly like the other except for the part where the contestants got to be creative and use their crackers to make 3-D objects.
"Like little soldiers!" enthuses Mary Berry at one tray of particularly identical cookies. My god.

I've let the chickens and ducks out. Sixteen birds. Is that right? Trixie, Sharon, Ozzie, Mable, Nicey, Butterscotch, Lucille, Eggy Tina, Missy, Chi-Chi, Cha-Cha, Willy, Lily, Camellia, Dovie, Elvis. Two nice brown eggs already. Here comes Elvis to peck beneath the bird feeder. He makes his "come eat tasty treats!" call to the hens. They will follow soon.

Time to take a walk. Then a shower. Go to town. All will be well. One step, then another. Do it. Let the dreams go. No one is depending on me to show up onstage. I am not going to adopt any children. I am not late for anything. This day is going exactly as it should. Maybe. I don't believe in that shit. "Remember- God has placed you exactly where you are supposed to be in this life!"
Although where I am is lovely. It is fine. The sun and shade make jaguar prints on the fallen leaves. Elvis goes to collect a hen. The ducks waddle about. The cardinals call from the trees. The camellias bloom with blushing abandon.

I think I'll eat some Grapenuts. Crunch, crunch.

Good morning.


  1. Maybe it's the moon, Mary, because I feel the same way. On edge. Like my nerves are frayed.
    I even hit the elliptical last night to take the edge off.
    I need it to warm up so I can get outside and walk my shit off.
    Be kind to yourself today.

  2. Me too. Seriously. Except for the Grape Nuts, I'm thinking oatmeal :)

  3. Your tide is high! Hah, well, it's probably a part of it all and sounded good in my head... I hope this day does unroll all proper and enjoyable. For you and me.

  4. I had the dreaded dentist appointment yesterday...up half the night before trying to talk myself out of being such a scaredy cat. She shoots me up with novocaine for my root canal, then proceeds to tell me that the procedure will only prolong the inevitable...I'm going to lose my teeth to gum disease. Implants, she says. $25,000 she says. Adios, I say. Today I'm drinking an amaretto sour thinking about anything but my teeth.

  5. Hahahaha. I watched the bake off too. I'll bet it's a lot harder than it looks.
    But isn't everything?
    Even eating Grape Nuts, really.
    Good Morning.

  6. Mary if I had to care for two small children on almost a daily basis not to mention chickens and gardens and ducks and a gigantic house I would quite probably perish. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of energy all that takes and I praise you for it I think you are one remarkable woman.

  7. heartinhand- That damn full moon. It does affect us, doesn't it?
    I hope you feel better.

    Mel- Oatmeal is a lot quieter to eat.

    Big Mamabird- Well, I did remember to buy shaving cream at the grocery store for my husband so I'm counting the day as a success.
    Hope it was for you, too.

    Catrina- You need to go see a different dentist. Quick! Like a rabbit!
    That cannot be correct.

    Denise- Oh, I'm sure it's difficult. Getting all those little crackers to be exactly alike AND be crunchy! You made me laugh about the Grape Nuts.

    Rebecca- I only take care of the boys a couple of times a week which is good because it takes me a day to recover. THEY ARE SO BUSY! It's funny. I think of myself as being incredibly lazy and slothful. Chickens and ducks don't take much care and I don't do much housework. But thank you for saying that. Maybe I'm not as much of a slug as I think I am.

  8. Movie is back??!!! I swear I read every entry but did I miss one?

  9. Sorry I haven't commented in awhile, but I'm just popping in to let you know that I'm still here. I've been having strange dreams lately too and I don't know why. It is a little disconcerting!

  10. Some medicines can cause very vivid dreams. I used to get the strangest dreams--not scary and not exactly horrible, but very uncomfortable. And very vivid. When I switched blood pressure medicine, they tapered off. You could ask your pharmacist if anything you are taking could cause your dreams

  11. Dave makes fun of pastry chefs in general because they tend to be so painfully precise about everything. (And you have to be when you're baking some of those highly refined creations.) You're seeing a reflection of that pastry chef mentality!

  12. Lisa- Yes, m'am. After 48 hours she just showed back up. I was so happy!

    Lois- I am so glad to see you!

    Lain T- Me too! And thank you!

    Portia- I know the antidepressant I'm on has a lot to do with it. But I'd rather have the dreams than the horrible crazy.

    Steve Reed- I'm sure you're right. I could NEVER be a pastry chef.

  13. I hate the anxiety when it comes. And I hate those strange dreams. I hung a dream catcher near our window by the bed. I hope it works.


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