Friday, January 30, 2015

From Where I Am

I've been anxious today. The sort that makes you clench your jaw and not realize you're doing it. The kind that knots your stomach and makes it hurt. The type that made posting anything this morning impossible.
The kind that sucks. Not that any anxiety doesn't suck. Some sorts just suck more than others.

But. It's been a good day anyway. I kept it tamped down when the boys were here and I was easy-going and we had a really nice afternoon. Lily got here early and so we walked down to the post office and here's the requisite picture of the boys posing in front of the red door at the old train station which houses our PO.

I should go back and find all of these and make a collection. 

After their mama left, we went out to explore the railroad tracks, to see what they've been doing back there. 

See all those ties? Those are the ones which have been replaced. A few of them, at least. 

Then I made the boys get on one of the logs of the part of the tree which fell a few years ago in the back yard. 

The posed. 

And what came next. 

Both boys were very loving today and we had good times on our adventures and I made them pancakes and bacon for their lunch. They filled up the ducks' little paddling pool and it was so sweet just to have them here. To see their beautiful little bodies, growing so fast, as they run across the yard, as Gibson dug in the driveway for treasures, as Owen pretended to ride his horse down the railroad tracks. I love pretending to be a waitress, serving them their pancakes, their juice in the pretty, sturdy glasses I got at the Goodwill because I knew they would like them. 
"Enjoy your meals, sirs," I say, and they very solemnly answer, "Thank-you!" I love to cuddle with Gibson while he looks at silly videos on my phone. "You lay down with me?" he asks. "Yes," I say, and I do. "Are you going to give me a hug and a kiss before I leave?" asks Owen. And of course I do. He has to make one last run to the hen house to see if there are any more eggs before he gets in the car. We found two fine brown ones today and he asked if he could take them home. 

He and his dad and Gibson and their Uncle Chris are going to have Super Dudes Night tonight. Darling Lenore will be there too but she is very much welcome to Super Dudes Night. They are going to grill steaks and enjoy all sorts of dudish behavior. 

Those boys have such a good life. I'd add, "and they don't even know it," but I think they do. Somewhere in their hearts they know that this is the sort of life they're supposed to be having, just as when I was a child I knew that the sort of life I was having was not the sort of life I was supposed to be having. 
Children know. 

And now it's Friday night and I'm waiting for Mr. Moon to get home. He put in a full day today. Four days past surgery and he's put in a full day. He's going to bring us home one of those Costco pizzas with all the mozzarella and basil and tomatoes and that will be our supper. And speaking of eating, here's what Chef Will's mama posted on Facebook that he made with six of the duck eggs tonight.

"Moon Farm deviled duck eggs with sorghum-and-black-pepper candied turkey bacon with hints of Malaysian curry powder and smoked paprika."

Note that he piped those yolks back in there. 

Jeez. I've never piped deviled eggs in my life. My darling Lis wouldn't think about not piping but it just never occurs to me. This is why I call myself a good cook but would never dream of calling myself a chef. 

And on a completely unrelated topic, a Facebook friend messaged me today to ask how I so consistently post on my blog and what do I get out of it?
I answered, "Because it is joy for me. And that answers both of your questions."

And it does. But. 
It's so much more. 
It's being able to say out loud, "I am anxious as hell today. I feel crazy." Or, "Here are my grandsons. Aren't they beautiful? I love them so much." Or, "This is what it's like to get older. Here is what is good about it. Here is what really, really bites the big one." Or even, "These are my chickens and my ducks and aren't they pretty?" 
And of course to be able to tell the stories I know. Of births and of illnesses. Of joys and of deaths. Of the petty annoyances and the great good miracles and blessings. Of how these things affect us all. The stories of people I love who come together and fall in love. Of the way I, one human being, has experienced what life has given her, who constantly falls down but who gets up, every goddamned day. Who has a family who is like none other, as all families are, and who love each other with every fiber of our beings. 

To be able to say, "Here is what the moon looks like from my little bit of earth tonight."
And to be able to ask, "And what does it look like from where you are?"
And to get answers. 

Here is what the moon looks like from my little bit of earth tonight. 

What does it look like from where you are?

Let's all sleep good and wake up in peace. Let's try really hard. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I am so glad you are alive. I came here several times to check. What I get out of your blogging is to know that each day. That sounds funny but it is true. Your boys are both handsome. Enjoy your pizza! Sweet Jo

  2. It looks shiny, very very shiny.

    Hey, have a song. I'm on a lovely Youtube trail.

  3. I was just outside with the dog looking at the moon! I saw that pic of the deviled eggs on facebook and was awed. Based on the two pics of his work I've seen now I would like Will to start a cooking blog.

  4. It is a joy for us to read too! The boys are precious. Where does he get sorghum-and-black-pepper candied turkey bacon or does he make it? A very talented young man obviously. Gail

  5. This was a pleasure to read. Somehow you are reminding me of Anne of Green Gables. She is my absolute favorite so I hope you will take that as a compliment. She could be high-spirited and dreamy but also get down and dirty when it was called for. And of course, you quoted Anne to me recently on facebook. God's in his heaven and all's right with the world.

    Even though I don't believe in God. I believe in Anne.

    And you.

  6. Chef Will candied his turkey bacon. I don't know where he gets his ideas. I like to think that my inability to cook inspired him to give it a go. Probably not.

    I think Chef Will should start a blog, too! Does a YouTube channel count?

  7. This post - so beautiful and so fun to read. And the pictures - the boys! I will now daydream about visiting you on a dreary day and rummaging through your pictures to put them in chronological order and get a calendar or video or something awesome made of them... when I get crazy in the winter I like to think up projects and sometimes I actually do them.

    Chef Will's eggs! They made me so happy too! He is amazing, thinking of every subtle detail of taste and presentation. In middle school...

    I envy your blog output, I do. I am speaking a running narrative, analysis and commentary of my life in my head all the time, and that's where so much of my blog stuff comes from. It is good to share the things we think, we love, we fear and lord to tell the truth.

    I love coming to visit. You're one of the dearest and most interesting people the internet has discovered for me. Thanks for the well wishes. I really, really need to sleep good, I'm a mess. And some peace, I could use some of that too.

    From here tonight, it was a sunny sunset of the loveliest oranges and pinks. I bundled up, went out with the dog and enjoyed it very much. And our moon, it is shining so bright right now. I thought last night the moon light was keeping me up, and its not yet full.

    Love to you too.

  8. We can't see the moon in Tucson, AZ because it is pouring!!!!!!! We're under flood watch. I'm glad you blog, I love the narrative.

  9. Tonight the moon shimmers through the last ice crystals of the latest snow passing by. It is so much sharper now I have glasses to look through! It is lovely. You are lovely. That door is the perfect requisite photo op stop! I am still amazed at the act of growing up that children perform, how?! Hugs Carroll

  10. Sweet Jo- You are part of the reason I love this blog. I write and I think of you. Thank you.

    Jo- His voice his powerful. So are his words. Thank you.

    Jill- I think Chef Will could teach us all something. Me at least! I'm so happy to think we were both looking at the moon at approximately the same time.

    Gail- As his mama said in a comment down the way, he made it himself!

    Ms. Vesuvius- I loved Anne as well. She's gotten me through lots of stuff. I will be honest with you- I didn't remember that that quote came from her. But yes, how perfect that it did.
    I don't believe in God either but I do believe in so many fictional characters. Is that weird?

    LBags- Is there a link to Chef Will's youtube channel? Because we need to know.

    Mel- Today Owen discovered a little frame charm that you sent me. He was instantly charmed. No pun intended. He wanted it so badly that I gave it to him. He wanted me to write in it, "I love Miss Dina." Miss Dina is his teacher. So I did that and I tied it onto his neck with s shoestring. He was so very, very happy. So...Thank you.

    Alison- Flood warnings in Arizona? Oh my god. I love it but be safe.

    Big Mamabird- Hugs back to you. Enjoy your sharp-crystalled moon.

  11. I actually just got off my fat fanny and took a look out the window. No moon as the snowstorm that has hung around all day still lingers...but the neighbors porch light far off in the distance looks kind of pretty.

    Chef Will is so wonderful. Please keep giving that kid eggs so we can see more and more of his results. Amazing.

    I only discovered you a few short months ago Ms. Moon, but I unabashedly can say I adore this blog and I love your open and sharing heart.

    I'm going up to bed soon and try for a good nights rest and am very much wishing you and yours the same. X

  12. Wow. Forgive the f-bomb but this was just an amazing fucking post. You said it all. So much. Those boys are growing up and you said it. You explained blogging and told us what you were eating tonight and I felt very interested to hear it all. I'm sorry you feel anxious. But I'm happy you are cool with explaining it. And--AND....the part you said about children knowing. They do. You did. And now you give of your life to help someone else know. This was a brilliant fucking post. Thank you.

  13. A lovely post, Ms. Moon. I really enjoyed reading this one. Thank you, and I can't believe how big the boys are getting. It's been a little bit since I saw a picture of both of them. They are awesome.

  14. Sorry to hear about your anxiety. So glad that you were surrounded by love today.

  15. Such a beautiful post, Mary. So real. Those boys are just beautiful and Gibson's crossed into a new stage of boyhood lately I think. Yes, children know goodness. We grown ups do too. That's why we come here every day, so very grateful you are here. Hugs hugs hugs for the anxiety. May it soon pass.

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  17. I am sorry about your anxiety. Someone dear to me has struggled with anxiety most of her life. It is so hard for her and it is hard not to be able to help her.

    Your grandsons are just exactly the way kids should be.

    And your writing is somewhere between poetry and music for me. I'm so glad you enjoy writing it, because others - like me - enjoy reading it so very much.

  18. I love your blog, especially this last post. I like hearing about what is happening to another family in a different part of the world. Here in England ( about 20 miles North of London) it is 8.20am and I am eating my porridge. It is snowing outside and there is about half an inch settled on the car outside the window. I hope it stops as my cousin is driving down from Leicestershire to leave their car here while they take the train to London to go and see a show. ( War Horse) We will have a quiet day reading the newspaper , walking the dog and preparing for the evening when 4 good friends will be coming for drinks and chat. I hope you have a lovely day when you wake up on Saturday. Glad to hear that Mr Moon is progressing well. X

  19. It's 3 a.m. And I'm awake. Again. I know im going to have a miserable day with no accomplishments today, thanks hormones.
    Winter is back, smothering us with snow and wind and cold and making me wish I was in Florida, or California, or Arizona.
    Anywhere but here.
    I love that chippy red door. I have a whole pinterest page dedicated to doors, many are red, most are chippy.
    Keep blogging Mary. You're the best at it. You're the egg-piper of blogs. Lol!

  20. LOVE this post. So happy you get joy out of writing this blog because it would be selfish for us to want it so much if you didn't.

    Really glad that Mr. Moon is doing so well.

    I'll get you're the best waitress EVER! What fun.

  21. I read my blogs in the morning and before I go to bed unless I get too busy. If there isn't something new from you, I am disappointed. Your blog is my favorite and I love your little family, your little piece of the world. It just gives me great joy to know you are out there Ms. Moon. Hope you never stop writing. Hope your anxiety has gone from you this morning.

  22. Camille- I had that thought myself- that I should give Will ALL the duck eggs. Isn't he amazing? And I'm so glad you found me and that you like to come here. Thank you for commenting. It means so much to me.

    Gradydoctor- Oh, it is so nice to have you here. Thank you! And as you know quite well- the word "fuck" is beloved here at Blessourhearts. Feel free to use it any time.

    Mr. Shife- As your children. Awesome. Thanks!

    Denise- It surely helps.

    Angella- I am feeling better today. Thank you. I love your hugs. Always.
    And you're right about Gibson. He's becoming a real little dude.

    jenny_o- Well. That just makes me smile. Thank you!

    Frances- Isn't it wonderful to be able to have this way to share with each other? Thank you for crossing the pond to find me and thank you for sharing what it's like where you are. So different, so much the same.

    Heartinhand- Damn hormones. Damn them, damn them. And the lack of them. And the dwindling and the rising. They are powerful.
    Your last line made me laugh. Thank you.

    Juicie- Thanks, girl! And Mr. Moon is just doing so well. I think he feels a lot better now than he did before the surgery.

  23. Kelly- You just handed me a lovely pay check. I appreciate that so much. Thank you.

  24. It's morning here so no moon to be seen. It's cloudy and grey and gloomy and I'm feeling very anxious today too. I read your blog every day and it's always comforting to me. I love your stories.... keep telling them, we're all listening : )


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