Friday, April 22, 2011

The Resurrection Of The Uterus (or, TMI)

Well, I think it's a sort of a Good Friday miracle.
Actually, it's more like an overdose.
On bioidenticals. Or whatever the hell these things are I've been taking to control my hot flashes, even out my moods, smooth-out the crone years.

Yep. This morning I woke up with the weird pains I've been having in my nether regions and the low-back ache and the black, black despair and guess what?
Yeah! I'm having a fucking period!

This is so wrong. So very, very wrong.
I called the NP's office and yes, this can happen and I need to come in and discuss adjusting my levels.


I sure was loving no hot flashes. I sure do hope there's a balance somewhere.

But boy, is this weird. I mean, I KNEW these cramps felt like CRAMPS and it did cross my mind that maybe the hormones were affecting my female organs but it never occurred to me that my insanity wasn't actual insanity but in all reality, PMS!!!!!

And just like in the olden days when I was a "real" woman, as soon as I started, the despair faded, the black curtains parted and I stepped back out into the light and now I feel pretty fine. Except for the cramps.

Grandmothers are not supposed to have cramps. Or need to buy tampons.

No, no, no.

Well, we'll get it figured out. Meanwhile, here I am holding a lamp along the path of Cronehood for all you young women. Younger women. Whatever. These things can happen. Beware! Beware!

And hey! Maybe it's not the hormones at all! Maybe it's the Stigmata of Mary! On Good Friday, or as I call it, The Day We Crucified Our Lord.


Most likely.

But still.

Weird, weird, weird. And yet, all-too-familiar at the very same time.


  1. oh, hormones. a word that is becoming some kind of huge signpost in modern life. i hope you get the levels all goodied up soon, and keep feeling like smiling:)

  2. Hey, at least you're not pregnant!

  3. Holy shit! You had PMS. That's like some sick joke. I agree w/ dtg - at least you're not pregnant;)

  4. I appreciate the I and don't think it's TM at all in this case--speaking as one of those younger women who appreciates the light cast by the lantern you're holding up. Lawrdy, I'm glad there's an explanation! Unexplained black-dog-gnawing through the door sadness/the nameless dreads--now that's nervewracking---hopefully this glitch can be cleared up soon for you.

  5. Ha ha, what DTG said! My hormones gave me cramps too, but thankfully no period. I would not have appreciated that so many years down the road. Hormones are some crazy shit, aren't they? Hope you get it figured out, and find the magical balance. And it's not TMI, I don't think enough women talk about it.

  6. OK, this is just getting weird, Ms. Moon. I was about to write about how I had my very first official hot flash last night, and I thought that first I would check in on my favorite bloggers... and look what you wrote. Last time we both wrote about transitions. I know, let's both write about Johnny Depp showing up at our front door, or winning the lottery and see what happens.

    Feel better soon

  7. Jesus Christ! Don't get pregnant next month!!

    This is insane. I'm stunned. Damn.

    I do love the idea that you have Easter Hyster-stigmata, though. That sort of rocks.

    Don't get pregnant! Great blog content and all as that would be, not worth it :)

  8. I hadn't even gotten to the end before I thought, "This is a terrible coincidence that this happened on Good Friday".

  9. Maggie May- As you WELL know, they are powerful drugs. Dang.

    DTG- Believe me, I thought about that. So did Ms. Bastard-Beloved!

    Jill- I know! Sick damn joke.

    x-ray Iris- As I always say- it's ALL chemicals.

    Mel- I agree. Hell- it's our life.

    Terena- Okay. Johnny Depp. The Bill Murray posting hasn't produced any results yet.

    Jo- Kathleen suggested I could have one more child to raise with Owen. There is that vasectomy problem, though. So no babies. I promise.

    Jon- You're a real man to comment here. I swear. You are.

  10. Dear Mother of the Good Friday Miracle,
    Maybe y'all better use birth control in the meantime.
    Unless you want another baby, that is...
    Another excuse to eat chocolate on Easter =o)
    x0 N2

  11. You could write Bill Murray and ask for some of his sperm? Where there's a will...?

  12. Good grief, Ms. Moon! Not what I was expecting to read on Good Friday! Perhaps the bio-identicals need tweaking? You may need some more progesterone. (I caused a similar 'bleeding after menopause' incident when I decided that the progesterone was the hormone that caused breast cancer, so I'd just stop taking that and use only the estrogen patches.)
    Well, there have been great advances in tampons within the past 10 years - I know that because I used to have to buy 4 boxes of different sized tampons: Super Plus, Plus, Regular, and Junior to use on various days of the monthly visit from Aunt Flo, and now when my daughter stays at my house, she brings one box (of 32, not 40) that contains all 4 different sizes.
    But, what a shock!!
    You and Mr. Moon be sure to use a contraceptive, as Dr. Ruth used to say!

  13. At least you weren't on a road trip. Or the beach. I always think of those little blessings.
    I have noticed, in my days of dwindling hormones and un-regular periods, that when I don't have cycles of hot flashes, I am having regular periods. When I am having lots of flashes, I go on a 2 or 3 month hiatus. They both suck.
    Other than that, I hope you are having a good Friday!

  14. stigmata


    I'm sorry for your stigmata. No really.


    Even without the horse pee it can still happen.

  15. N2- NO! There will be no pregnancy unless there really IS A GOD! Vasectomy? Yes!
    Plus- No. I am way too old.

    Jo- I don't really want to have his baby. Just, oh, make him some biscuits.

    Lucy- This will all be figured out. I promise.

    Michele R- I noticed the same thing when I was still bleeding on my own. Why is it so hard to be a woman?

    Madame King- Snort all you want. And no mares pissed in this situation. Yams may have died. I swear.
    I know. It's so funny. I've been giggling all day long. I think really though, that it's the stigmata of Mary's weeping womb.
    I do.

  16. Guess I have a lot of catching up to do

    For now all I can say is THAT'S REALLY FUCKED UP!

    not looking forward to it. nope. not at all


  17. That's scary! So is there a possibility of getting pregnant? Now, that would be freaky!

  18. Michelle- Nor should you. But it is what it is. Dammit. Love you, baby.

    Angie- No. No possibility of getting pregnant. I promise you.

  19. Dearest Mary, oh noooo! That's all you need!

    I shall every drug I can get my hands on when it happens to me!

    Love you xx

  20. Christina- I am finding the drugs can cause some weird problems of their own. As usual.

  21. Crap, I'm sorry. Cramps suck. But I am glad the curtains parted.

  22. Whoa! I wonder if hanging out with Owen has recharged your mommy batteries! Very interesting...

    So I hope this means you should be feeling better soon.

  23. Did you know that taking estrogen can increase chances for a host of things? Beware of those hormones. C. cannot take them because of breast cancer. We did a lot of reading about hormone replacements.

  24. On Saturday, A and I were standing in the tampon isle stocking up and she was muttering about being happy when this shit was over. So I just blurted out "Ms. Moon started her period yesterday." Just matter-of-fact there in Target and then had to tell her the whole story.

    It's funny how blogger world people creep into everyday life.

  25. Stephanie- Yes. The curtain parting was the best part.

    Ms. Fleur- You know me. One never, ever knows.

    Syd- I know. Believe me. I know.

    Mel- That completely cracked me up. Thanks for reporting in on that one.

  26. Clearly, DTG and I think alike. That's what I wrote you.

  27. Ha! What a weird thing. And I know just what you mean. I hope your appointment sorted that.


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