Monday, April 4, 2011

Mysteries and Shreds

Another perfect morning, dog pee on the floor, Pearl still in bed, curled up, my old turtle baby.
She's breathing.
Birds calling out and birds twittering. Chickens telling me the day is well begun.
Sprinkler on the garden, those beans! Be careful, don't linger too long. One might grab you by the ankle, twine up your leg, pull you in and keep you.

Yes. My mother was married to Mr. Moon's father for awhile. I know I've written about this. Mr. Moon's mother died and within eight months or something like that, my mother and his father had been wed. Strange, you know, when your husband is your step-brother. Strange, you know, when your father-in-law is your stepfather.
It was a time of great conundrums. Yes, we wanted them to be happy. No, it was not always comfortable.
And then he died- this great good man. He died.

Another huge sorrow and another great confusion somehow.

Life is so messy sometimes. I'll be honest with you. I don't like the pictures of Jackson Pollack.

I'm sorry. I don't think I can answer comments on that last post. I just can't. Maybe. We'll see.

Chop, chop, chop come my words today. I would give you roses blooming. I could.
I would give you sunlight pouring.
It is.
I would give you fresh eggs and clean laundry and stiff yellow magnolia leaves falling to the ground with a rattle.
That's all real.

I could give you the maggots in the compost, the chicken shit in the hen house, ant bites on my feet and hands, the dust on my piano, the way the notes are so out of tune that even if I could make music, I couldn't do it on those keys.

Here. I give you the train. It's coming from far away and soon it will be here with deafening noise and then it will pass.

Well. I give you all of it this morning.

And Pearl, who just got up and who has gone outside, skinnier than a greyhound. She paces the yard, looking for a place to poop.
She's still alive and I don't know why.

I don't know anything today at all.

Just spread it all out on the table. Try to make sense of it, rearrange the pieces until they fit.
That's it for my life this morning.

The train has passed, Pearl is eating chicken and pasta from last night.

The world is a crazy place and trying to make sense of it is as crazy as anything.

Sweep the pictures off the table, walk over them. Go weed and clean and wash and tend.

Let it be.


  1. And I don't really know how to comment on it except to hold it in a special place in my heart for you..

    ( and I'll probably email more. )

  2. Thank you, Mary, for all of those gifts and so many more. I'm cleaning yellowy-green pollen from the blue bottles on the porch today and sweeping and picking worms from the plants. I'm so grateful for my huge old oaks, but these worms with their voracious appetites are a royal pain!

    Have a beautiful, thoughtful, hopeful day.

  3. Let it be is right. This post totally suits my mood today. Thank you.

    I don't know dick either. Dumber the older I get.

    Fuck it.

  4. deb- Thank-you.

    lulumarie- I'm about to go pick up Owen because Lily is sick and she needs to rest and so that will be very, very good.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- No kidding on the older-and-dumber thing. Well, for me, anyway. I don't think we're necessarily dumber, we're just far more aware of all we don't know.

  5. Thanks for the post and the wisdom. I love the twist on getting older and not dumber, just enhanced awareness of what we don't know. I'm stealing that one.
    I'm all disjointed today too. Back to reality, back to gray skies and blustery winds. But I dreamed about you while I was in Florida. If I had been anywhere near you, I'd have found a way to see you or talk to you in person, but you were pretty sweet in my dream, despite my anxiety about picking up my dog and being late. Why are dreams never, ever relaxing or fun for me? Always trama and drama and stress. But the part with you and the playhouse in it, which was oddly on your porch, was a nice respite from the other dream madness. Thanks for that.
    I'm going to wash and tend and let it be today too. Glad Pearl is doing OK. Maggie is still hanging in there too.

  6. Your brain sounds like mine today. I feel like I spent all night in a dreamy state mulling over things I have no control over.

    Fuck it! It's Monday and no one should be required to function today.

  7. I think these intense emotional breakthroughs, while exhilarating are also exhausting. It would not surprise me if you stayed in the "let it be" place for a couple of days while your processing and taking it all in.

    I will call ya later.

  8. I'm glad Pearl is still doing ok, sometimes the tenacity of the spirit (whether animal or human) is what is needed to keep going...she's not ready, she still has work to do and is hanging around to see it through, even if she isn't sure what that work might be...I love your posts and thoughts you put on your blog, so much more meaningful and introspective than I think I could ever be...

  9. Mel- It's funny how we visit each other in our dreams. I'm glad my visit to you was a sweet one.
    Yeah. I don't live near the Mouse. We both like it like that.

    Mel's Way- I am certainly not doing much in the way of real functioning.

    Ms. Fleur- I AM exhausted. Truly.

    Mr. Mischief- If an unexamined life is not worth living, my life has a LOT of fucking worth. My husband has been known to say, "You think too much." And he's right.
    Pearl may be trying to live long enough to help raise Owen as long as she can. That thought makes me happy.

    A- Yes. I feel very tender in all ways today. Thank-you, love.

  10. Walk under the trees...listen and look. Stay quiet...dig. Gather..
    Your words full of wisdom.

  11. Dear Mary, sometimes things don't make sense.

    That's bonkers that Mr Moon's dad married your mum. I can imagine that was tricky at times!

    I agree with - I'd never want a Jackson Pollock on my wall xx

  12. No explanation needed. People are beyond my control. They do what they do without my interference. None of that lessens you or builds you up. It simply is what it is.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.