Monday, April 11, 2011

Light Equals...What AM I Trying To Say Here?

I have a spot of poison ivy on my calf and it itches to the point of I-cannot-stop-myself, I-must-scratch.

I read a piece in the paper just now, not about politics or murder or "So-and-so was born in 1934 to Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so-Smith" but about horseshoe crabs and time.

Anne Rudloe wrote it. She is a local Buddhist and Scientist and she said this:

"There is no new day, only the endless cyclic alternation of light and dark, cold and hot, wet and dry weather, activity and rest. In the morning daylight simply resumes. It is not a new day. This timeless space has existed for millions of years."

I don't know whether this makes me want to weep for the beauty and truth of it or to weep that I am not a particle of light.
I hope when I die I become a particle of light. Or perhaps I already have and am and I don't know. I can't understand these things.

She writes of the horseshoe crab and how for 400 million years this creature, unchanged in all of that time, responds not to day or night but to the "cyclic waxing and waning of the moon."
She says, "They've been doing it for hundreds of millions of years as humans count time, but to the crab perhaps there is only right now."

Right now. Right now my leg itches. Right now I am washing the rug that Pearl's lake of pee contaminated last night. Right now I am writing this, click, click, click and the light is right now and right now it has changed again, imperceptible to me, and now again.

I think about the time, so very many years ago, as humans count it, when a friend and I walked a beach and saw the horseshoe crabs mating and we were young and it embarrassed us, those obviously ancient (we had no idea what they were) creatures, buried down in the sand, huge females with smaller males atop, their spiny tails raising and lowering, doing the same things humans do, we knew that, somehow, and that was so long ago but to the crabs, no, it was right now and on beaches right now, they are right now, doing that again so that there will be a right now a million years from now. Maybe.

Perhaps this gives me some inkling of why I hate to call and make appointments, write down "times" on a calender, my inner particle of light knows that getting teeth cleaned is just such a lost cause, even teeth crumble and become dust which will blow in the wind of light at some point, long after I am dead but this way of thinking, although possibly universally speaking, may be true, it is not practical for this incarnation of my being.
If there is such a thing.

Well. Monday morning. Owen is coming soon. A thing in town tonight where Freddy is showing his films. I am thinking of all of that, my mind (right now) distracted by this itching, and I am thinking of light on water, specifically the violet/green/blue water of the Mexican Caribbean, how it makes diamonds on the amethyst/emerald/sapphire jewels below it, how they dance!

I guess that's it. I guess that's all I have to say right now and mostly because I am a human being and my mind is too dense with blood and brain and bone for all the light it would need to truly understand any of how this life works but I am in awe. I am aware of a tiny sliver of all that I do not know, right now, or in fact, ever will.


  1. A very entertaining blog you have. I came over from Tallahassee Daily Photo--Lois. I am in Tallahassee...

  2. I like the way Janis said it... not quite as poetic though.

    "It's all the same fucking day anyway"! (or some version of that)

    Hope your day with Owen is therapeutic... speaking of which, how is Lily? Is she feeling better?

  3. You are ALREADY a beam of light to all of us.

  4. That's right SB!
    Lovely post.
    Only you could make me think about Horseshoe crabs mating and eternal light and time and how yeah, maybe that's why I don't make appointments either... ;-)

    You don't know it, but you helped me immensely last night when I was in a very bad place. So thanks.

  5. What an amazing notion! I was at first struck by the quote because, so often I celebrate the beginning of a 'new' day as a way to start over and forget what happened yesterday or last week. At first I was sad at the idea that I couldn't see morning like that anymore, but then I realized that all that has changed is the time of day. Ultimately, I can treat each coming-to-present minute as a new beginning, a new opportunity to start over. And that was truly inspiring. Thank you!

  6. Since darkness is but the absence of light it is not real. Only light can give sight and is eternal.

    The dark is only an illusion, a trick of the mind.

  7. My original comment has not appeared, and I'm bummed. Because I wanted to say that you are such a light and these words are so dang profound. We must be reminded of this sort of thing, over and over. Thank you.

  8. Darla- Thanks for visiting! You have a lovely garden and blog!

    Ms. Fleur- Lily is better and at the dentist. You saved her life! Thank-you.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Yeah, a little ray of fucking sunshine. I love you.

    Lisa- I love you, too.

    Bethany- Any time I can help you in any way, I am grateful.

    Kario- I know. It's very hard to try and think of time in such a different way, isn't it?
    Come back and visit any time!

    Andrew- And like time, darkness is a pretty convincing illusion!

    Elizabeth- I love you. Thanks again for the sending of the link. Still thinking about that. You are precious.

  9. Horseshoe crab are marvelous creatures. I have studied them before doing spawning surveys. It is an incredible thing when they assemble by the thousands to spawn.

  10. Ditto SB, you ARE already a brilliant beam of light xx

  11. Thank you for that. I will ponder this.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.