Friday, April 8, 2011

Go Wish Her Happy Birthday, All You Beloved Cocksuckers!

I have asked Ms. Bastard-Beloved if she would let me put up a birthday post for her and so far, she hasn't answered but fuck it! I'm going to do it anyway.

I am quite sure that everyone of you who comes here goes to her place, too. The Famewhore Squirrel Welcomes Motherfuckers To Sarcastic Bastard.

And if you haven't, you know you are making Jesus weep.

It's no secret whatsoever that Ms. Bastard-Beloved is one of my dearest friends. She is more than that, though. She is a part of my family. She is proof that the internet is a GOOD thing. She somehow came into my life and I have no idea how at this point and you'd think on the surface of it that we wouldn't have one damn thing in common but oh my, you'd be wrong.

Ms. Bastard-Beloved lives in Buttfuck, Ohio and I live in Lloyd, Florida. She has no children. I have fifty-two. Okay, really only four. She loves cats. I...well. Not THAT much.

But wait- that's all I can think of which makes us so different!
For the rest- we might as well be one and the same!

Sort of.

She loves to curse. She is a MISTRESS of profanity. She is curious, she is sacrilegious, she is bitter and funny and cynical and wise. She is charming and she hates hypocrites and right-wing politics and assholes.
And her definition of "asshole" corresponds with mine about 99% of the time.

She has a Viking boyfriend. I have a Viking husband. They are both very nice men.

She is beautiful, just like me!
Actually, I have no idea what she really looks like. Unlike me, she never posts a picture of herself. Okay, she did once. A long time ago.
But I know she is beautiful because she just is. She is beautiful the way I am in that we both look the way we look and that, Motherfuckers! is what we look like!

And she's turning forty-five on Sunday.
And I am certain that many of us would like to wish her a happy birthday. And she is not addicted to her computer and she doesn't use one when she's not at work and it's already almost closing time and so hurry! hurry! hurry! Go wish her a happy birthday!

Go and wish my darling Ms. Bastard-Beloved a happy birthday and tell her, as I am telling her, that you are SO glad she was born because can you imagine how much less colorful and delicious our lives would be without her?
Oh. I am so glad I do not have to know.

And here's a secret- that woman is about the sweetest and most thoughtful woman you could ever imagine. I know, I know- I'm blowing her cover. Too bad. TOO FUCKING BAD, MS. BASTARD-BELOVED! THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT A SWEETHEART YOU ARE!

So there. I just told them. Every cocksucker in the world knows now how sweet you are. Precious sweet.

Darling- you give me courage to write what I want. You give me a laugh or a tear or a thought every day. You listen, you answer, you know all my children and pets. You make my life richer, you make my life a better place to be. You celebrate joys with me, you reach down and pat me when I'm low.


And I swear- the day WILL come when we get together. When we are no longer family-who-has-never-met. If I have to take up a collection, we'll do it.

Happy birthday. I'll drink one for you. Okay, maybe two. Know that you are my idol. Know that you are my dear, sweet Sarcastic Bastard Beloved. Know that I celebrate you, cherish you, and have conversations in my head with you all the time. Know that my family loves you. Wait. That's like saying that you love you.
Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

Happy birthday, Beloved. And tell the Moms and Daddums that we're so glad they created you. Tell them we said, "Good job!"

And have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. Mine will be better, just knowing it's your birthday. I mean it.
And you know it.

Te amo para siempre. Y feliz cumpleaƱos!

Yours truly...Ms. Moon


  1. Whoa! Thanks for the head's up... I'm there!

    PS Owen is looking SO boyish!!! That haircut, his chub disappearing and his ripped little arms... He is growing so much!

  2. This the NICEST birthday tribute I have EVER had. I SO MEAN THAT.

    You and the Moms and the Viking and the cats and Ginger are my BEST FRIENDS in the whole, entire world.

    I adore you. My life is SO MUCH BETTER because you are in it. I will treasure this post. I MEAN THAT. A brand new Mercedes wouldn't mean as much to me as your words.



  3. Ms. Fleur- Just doing my job. And sadly, no, Owen doesn't look like a baby any more.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Okay. I'll send the Mercedes back. Love you!

  4. omg, too funny, I went to Ms. Bastard's blog but I'm at work and it is BLOCKED for being too explicit!!!!! Hee-hee! So, here I shall say, happy birthday to you!
    Other maters--Ms. Moon, I'll be thinking of y'all during the wedding tomorrow. Homemade weddings are the best. And I'm partial to April outdoor weddings...

  5. I love her too. She is awesome. Heading over there now.

  6. Aw, loved this. I love your friendship, connection, love. You're right about her being secretly a dear sweet thoughtful generous tender soul. I missed this post until now (late) but will wish her a hbd on Sunday. Thanks for the heads up. You both are fucking awesome mother f ers.

  7. Well a visit is in order, Ms Moon and a happy birthday greeting to your friend, connecting so to you she must be wonderful.

  8. I'll be sure to wish Ms. S-B a happy birthday.
    Your life is so much better than Martha Stewart's: you're a Grandma and you've never done prison time. Just for those 2 facts alone!
    Right, you've never done prison time, Right?

  9. thanks for the heads up ms. moon. you know SB has a very special place in my heart.

    can't wait to hear about the love fest


  10. Michele R- Thanks, honey!

    Syd- I'm just doing my job.

    Bethany- And so are you!

    Elisabeth- Indeed she is!

    Lucy- Ha! No, I've never spent time in prison. Or jail either. And actually, I quite admire Martha for the way she did her time with such dignity.

    Michelle- There shall be a report.

  11. So so sweet. Her cover is completely blown now. :)

    There are few people who can make me truly belly laugh on a regular basis and SB is on that short list.

  12. Thanks to all of you for your kind words. I was touched. I'm still grumpy, but touched. Laugh.

  13. What a lovely Birthday tribute! I'm so glad I've met you both, you're wonderful xx And I hope we all meet one day!


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.