And nothing, nothing is the answer. I am fine. FINE I TELL YOU!
So why did reading this in an online newsletter I get from Cozumel make me cry?
by Kathy Watts, creator of the Trashy Little GroupI have a theory that lovers of Cozumel can instantly recall the exact dates of their first visit. My love affair with the island began January 10 - 17, 1990 - and after my first visit my life was never the same. I went back to Minnesota, and within 6 months I had changed my job, my living situation, and my perspective of the future. As a newly minted airline employee I was fortunate to visit the island often, and my daughter and family enjoyed numerous vacations away from the dark cold Minnesota winters. You know the part in The Wizard of Oz where the film goes from Black and White to vibrant Color? For me, touching down in Cozumel is a lot like that. While the lakes and pinewoods of my youth will always be with me, the natural beauty of the island and her people captivates me as much today as it did 22 years ago.
In 1996 I was married to a relocated Texan and we happily settled into an adorable little apartment. Seven years passed in the blink of an eye. After many months of searching we found a house to buy thanks to my sister who purchased a nice house in the Independencia neighborhood. On our way to take a tour of her place, we passed a cute little place with a beat up “Se Vende” sign tacked up in the corner. That was over 10 years ago. Even though the hubby “va-moosed” a while back, I have thoroughly enjoyed carving out my vision of domestic paradise. For me, a walk on a deserted beach, or a cup of coffee in my garden can be a religious experience. A trip to the phone company can result in lifelong friendships. Only 2 doors down from my big sis, and surrounded on all sides by sweet families, life in Cozumel has proven safe, exciting, happy, and active. My friends and I honor nearly all traditions, foreign and d omestic. We welcome our departed on the Day of the Dead, smile across Thanksgiving tables, decorate our houses with all manner of Christmas glitz, find the baby in the Rosca, and blow the doors off the place for Carnaval. Underneath it all beats a philanthropic heart and community spirit unparalleled in its generosity. When called upon, Cozumeleños readily show up to support a good cause, help someone in need, offer congratulations, or a consoling embrace.
No matter where one choses to hang a hat, I firmly believe that your life, your happiness, and your regrets are all exactly what you make them. I have found good company in this special place, where the amazing beauty found in nature go hand in hand with the spirit of her citizenry. The beaches, waters, nature preserves, restaurants, music, art, culture, and social whirl ensure that life in Cozumel need never be dull. I remain humbly captivated by it all.
Kathy Watts and her cohorts in crime created The Trashy Little Groupto help remove some of the trash on Cozumel’s beaches. Already this year, the group has removed over 467 bags of garbage, and increased awareness for recycling and environmental causes here on Cozumel. Once a month, the group gathers together to clean a selected area. Not only is it a worthy cause and a fun event, but it’s also a great chance to win prizes donated by very generous local sponsers. To find out more, check out their facebook page.
First Roseland, now Cozumel.
And I'm not unhappy here. I love it here.
You know what I think it is?
I think it is simply the knowledge that life is passing swiftly and that there are dreams and there are desires which I have had that are never going to be fulfilled.
It's all such a cliche.
I turned eighteen in Europe and I was certain that I would be back within a year or two to explore further. Have I ever returned? No.
I have not had a book published, I have never been to Greece. Hell, I've never had a career!
And the things I have done with my life have been, in some ways, far more incredible than any of those things could have been. I am not talking regrets here. I chose to live my life on my own terms and I have and I do but...
You know.
I know you know.
Perhaps it is nothing more than the knowledge that I am most likely not going to leave my mark here. I am never going to explore the depths of the oceans and discover a new form of sealife, unknown up until the moment I saw it. I am never going to cure a disease. I am never going to have a rose named after me or a camellia or a blueberry. I am never going to be Miss America or Janis Joplin or Mother Theresa. I am never going to dance naked in a fountain in Paris or inspire a song or start a movement or create a philosophy or hell, even plant a successful garden if I keep going the way I am going.
Sigh.
And yet, it doesn't matter. Not one bit. I have passed on my genetic material and I know I am making a difference in my grandchildren's lives. I know that.
But perhaps it's not even any of that. Perhaps it's just the fact that when we are young, we think that we can do anything. We can throw it all away and run away with someone we love. We can cash it all in and travel across the world and settle in a village in Mexico. We can become Matt.
Yeah. I think this whole thing started when I saw that video over at Mel's place, Luna Secrets
yesterday.
When I watched that, I saw the face of holy possibility. Dancing? All over the world? What a crazy and wonderful idea. I'd seen other videos of Matt dancing and maybe even posted some here. But this one got me to the point where I was weeping. Not crying. Weeping.
I'll never, ever do anything that crazy and wonderful and beautiful.
But you know- maybe that's not me. Well, of course it's not me or I would have done it.
And I have done what I have done. Raised my babies, been in love for a long time, found and moved into my dream house, grew some gardens, planted some trees, written some (unpublished) books, done what I could with the limitations I myself have set.
I have tread the line of safe and crazy. I am not sure that's for the best but for me, perhaps it has been.
All right. Enough. Blah, blah, blah.
I'm going to go make supper again. Please watch that video. It is so beautiful.
And I could still get to Greece. I could. I could even dance naked in a fountain in Paris if I really wanted to badly enough. I can still have dreams even though time is running out to fulfill them. And as the time gets smaller, so do the dreams.
Believe me.
Love...Ms. Moon
I know.
ReplyDeleteI live one life and it's ok. It's the result of all the little choices I made. But think of all the other choices I might have made...
You have made your mark in many hearts Ms Moon. Beyond your grandchildren and your children. I understand how you feel and interestingly, beyond your desire to be there for your kids and their kids, it seems like you could do so much of what you want to do. But it's hard to do it all. Someone told me the other day I had to decide between this and that and I didn't want to, I want it all. So I know. At the same time, you give so much of yourself to others and maybe it's time to do some stuff for Ms. Moon.
ReplyDeleteI never will either. The one time I went to Greece, I had to have surgery there. I haven't and likely won't pass on my genetic material. I have a career--yes--but it all depends on the side of the fence you're on. I mourn for the life I should have lived.
ReplyDeleteWell, you're blog is making a big difference in many people's minds and life. Who knows, somebody out there might be reading who could and would publish your ideas and words. Didn't that already happen in the New York Times in the cartoon you saw? What a eerie coincidence for you. Just bringing that video to us makes a big impact! You are making your mark!
ReplyDeleteI meant to say, The New Yorker. Yes, that's who published your idea...
ReplyDeleteeannie- And what good does that do us? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous Jo- I do for myself. Believe me. I do. But thank-you.
SJ- You are what? Thirty years old? Oh girl. You have SO much ahead of you. And you have accomplished so much already. I am SO proud of you. I am.
Anonymous- No. That was a joke. I was just laughing at myself because my dreams (salmon, reading, going to bed) are so ridiculously simple.
The New Yorker definitely did NOT steal my stuff.
Thirty-one :) Thank you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI dream that someday I will only have to work one job again.
ReplyDeleteI dream that I will hold my grandchild in my arms.
I dream that Raleigh will be graduated from college, find a wonderful job and an even more wonderful life partner. (This dream has come true for my son Dan).
I dream that my Harvey elegies will find a publisher.
I dream that some day all my clothes will fit in a closet.
I dream that somehow, someday, I will go to Venice.
(I have dreamed that I would have scrumptious sex again, and that came true for my 100 days of love. I dreamed that I would have a drawing I've wanted since the 1970s, and that came true this week. I dreamed that I would have big love/fancy love as Rebecca puts it, and that came true for 23 years and I still feel its glow).
Some of my dreams I see coming true in the lives of others. Some of them are merely daydreams that drift through my head when I am most relaxed or when I am most stressed out and wish to go farther than Calgon has ever taken me).
I hope that all of these dreams come true, for all of us.
I've watched Matt's new video three times now, and cried every time. I went to his page and watched every video again, read his journal, got lost in his wanderlust and got thinking about that half completed passport application languishing for years on the dining room table, my fear of flying, travel anxiety and general decrepitude and turned my happy joy at watching his dancing into something unfulfilled or missing. I need a perspective adjustment. I have nothing to complain about in this life, and I've been to more amazing places than I can remember. But still...
ReplyDeleteI see I'm not the only one.
There's not enough time to do it all or see it all or feel it all. There just isn't.
I'm going to keep watching that video though, it is a thing of pure joy and hope, isn't it?
xo
" I think it is simply the knowledge that life is passing swiftly and that there are dreams and there are desires which I have had that are never going to be fulfilled."
ReplyDeleteI agree.
But maybe you could have a little place in Cozumel.....while we can't have everything, we can focus in on a thing or two.
Mel said it best.
ReplyDeleteMost of us will never be a Mother Teresa or walk on the moon. Kind of depressing. I jut try to make a difference in my own little world but yea. Oh, well.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Denise. I'm not ready to give up your dream of having a little place in Cozumel. That doesn't seem too outrageous to me.
ReplyDeleteI know. Yes, I know. I get it.
ReplyDeleteMs. Moon, first, you should know that you HAVE made a mark in this life. Yours is the hearth around which we all gather, you have connected so many of us here, you share you heart and your mind and your life, and we are all so much richer for it. please know this is true.
ReplyDeleteand second, that video made me cry. I dont know why. I think it was watch this young man's complete openness to the world, his ability to dive right into experience, embracing it simply and lovingly and with the joy of an entirely unburdened soul, i loved him. but yes, it also provoked yearning in me, to be that joyful and free.
summer is a hard time, i find. but so is winter. hell, life is hard. but lovely, too. you help make it so.
SJ- 30, 31- whatever. You're a youngster.
ReplyDeletePamela- Those are beautiful dreams. I am grateful you shared them. It's so lovely to turn the pages of someone else's desires.
Mel- It is. I am so glad you posted it. Thank-you. This video is what religion would be to me if I had a religion.
Denise- I have long since given up the idea of having a place in Cozumel. I don't want to be another-home owner. But to visit for long spaces of time...yes. That I would love. I would happily rent.
Birdie- Well, I really would NOT want to be Mother Theresa if you want to know the truth. Walking on the moon might be awesome but that is beyond my ability to dream...
Still, there are so many other things, aren't there?
Elizabeth- I would be thrilled just to go and spend time there every year. Something to look forward to. A booster shot to just being...
Jill- I knew you would.
Angella- Life IS hard, isn't it, and the truth is, wherever we take ourselves, there we are, as the popular greeting card says. But la...some places we seem to be better ourselves than others.
Thank-you for those words. You make my heart so warm.
I believe this yearning, of which you so eloquently speak, comes to many (most?) of us as we age.
ReplyDeleteThe story about Cozumel is beautiful and MATT is absolutely fantastic! Thanks to you and Mel for that one:)
I think that it's the feeling that time is running out on getting things we want to do done. It is the feeling that the clock is ticking and getting louder every year. At least, that is how I feel somedays.
ReplyDeleteYou also shared Matt with us. And I will share it on from you... I will send you an email with some things that I want to share with you... You do leave a legacy. You are leaving all those wonderful writings for your children and grandchildren to read. Owen and Gibson will know you forever through your writings and the days spent with you...
ReplyDeleteI forgot: I have one dream that we all can make true every day: make 3 people smile a day... If you want to make it more challenging: make 3 strangers smile...
ReplyDeleteYou often make me smile!