I've got the anxiety bad today. I'm looking out and it's the most beautiful day you've ever seen and cool, too. Cool like fall with pools and puddles of golden sunlight everywhere and honestly, I can't imagine a prettier day and I'm falling off the bone anxious.
I know why, too.
Mr. Moon is going to have a regular physical exam today and just the thought of HIM going to the doctor makes me crazy. This is not a logical thing. This is pure and unadulterated panic with no basis in reality.
Except that doctors are always the ones who tell you you're going to die.
And it's not that I'm afraid to die! I swear I'm not.
I don't know. It makes no sense. None.
And I have to, HAVE to, call and make an appointment for myself with my completely non-threatening NP for a physical. I haven't had a P&P in years. And they won't renew my biodentical hormones (or whatever they are) until I get some test. And I am shaking at the thought. Literally.
Just writing about this makes me want to die.
I've talked about this before. And I've gone over and over in my mind the possible reasons why I have this neurotic anxiety and I can't figure it out. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I can recall going to an appointment for my mother when I was very young and feeling as if I was going to pass out in the waiting room. I didn't know what passing out was, but looking back, that's what I was feeling.
First anxiety attack?
This is how bad it is: I have been to my NP's at least twice. And I can't remember where in hell her office is. Okay. I just looked it up. I sort of remember. I remember that the office is soothing and cozy. There are fish tanks. Magazines. Not the kind that rich doctors have in their offices about golf resorts and investments which to me, is always a slap in the face. Magazines about natural health, etc.
It's a practice that's all about the holistic stuff as well as the western medicine stuff. Which is somehow reassuring.
On top of all of that, I really do have to go see my mother today. Have to. I'm so overdue there.
You know, it's like my life has this small, tiny defined circle of safety and when I have to step out of it, I just lose my shit. Inside of that circle is my family, my house, my yard, Monticello and the opera house, Publix, the library. And going places with my husband.
Outside the circle is everything else. Phone calls, making appointments of any kind, driving at night, holidays, shopping for stuff that isn't food, mostly.
I so wish I weren't like this. I feel crippled, I feel deformed. I feel less-than-human.
I feel helpless in the face of it.
All right. I am going to call. I am going to make that appointment. Then I am going to take a walk. Then I guess I'll go to town and see Mother. And go shopping for Mr. Moon's birthday which is tomorrow. Tomorrow. My sweetheart's birthday is tomorrow and I haven' gotten him so much as a card.
I can do this. I don't have to feel comfortable and I don't have to like it but I have to do it.
I'd rather wrangle snakes. I swear.