Thursday, June 28, 2012


I've got the anxiety bad today. I'm looking out and it's the most beautiful day you've ever seen and cool, too. Cool like fall with pools and puddles of golden sunlight everywhere and honestly, I can't imagine a prettier day and I'm falling off the bone anxious.

I know why, too.


Mr. Moon is going to have a regular physical exam today and just the thought of HIM going to the doctor makes me crazy. This is not a logical thing. This is pure and unadulterated panic with no basis in reality.
Except that doctors are always the ones who tell you you're going to die.
And it's not that I'm afraid to die! I swear I'm not.

I don't know. It makes no sense. None.

And I have to, HAVE to, call and make an appointment for myself with my completely non-threatening NP for a physical. I haven't had a P&P in years. And they won't renew my biodentical hormones (or whatever they are) until I get some test. And I am shaking at the thought. Literally.

Just writing about this makes me want to die.

I've talked about this before. And I've gone over and over in my mind the possible reasons why I have this neurotic anxiety and I can't figure it out. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I can recall going to an appointment for my mother when I was very young and feeling as if I was going to pass out in the waiting room. I didn't know what passing out was, but looking back, that's what I was feeling.
First anxiety attack?

This is how bad it is: I have been to my NP's at least twice. And I can't remember where in hell her office is. Okay. I just looked it up. I sort of remember. I remember that the office is soothing and cozy. There are fish tanks. Magazines. Not the kind that rich doctors have in their offices about golf resorts and investments which to me, is always a slap in the face. Magazines about natural health, etc.
It's a practice that's all about the holistic stuff as well as the western medicine stuff. Which is somehow reassuring.

On top of all of that, I really do have to go see my mother today. Have to. I'm so overdue there.

You know, it's like my life has this small, tiny defined circle of safety and when I have to step out of it, I just lose my shit. Inside of that circle is my family, my house, my yard, Monticello and the opera house, Publix, the library. And going places with my husband.
Outside the circle is everything else. Phone calls, making appointments of any kind, driving at night, holidays, shopping for stuff that isn't food, mostly.

I so wish I weren't like this. I feel crippled, I feel deformed. I feel less-than-human.
I feel helpless in the face of it.

All right. I am going to call. I am going to make that appointment. Then I am going to take a walk. Then I guess I'll go to town and see Mother. And go shopping for Mr. Moon's birthday which is tomorrow. Tomorrow. My sweetheart's birthday is tomorrow and I haven' gotten him so much as a card.

I can do this. I don't have to feel comfortable and I don't have to like it but I have to do it.

I'd rather wrangle snakes. I swear.


  1. dear mary, i so get this. but make your appointment. the relief after is worth it.

  2. My doc has been trying for at least 4 or 5 years to get me to have a mammogram. I have had maybe one internal in that time. I get very nervous at the thought of seeing her. I had no problem with the surgeon though - I was happy to see him.

    However, the surgeon never wanted to grope my girlie bits or if he did he kept it to himself. I think, if you've been abused, it's hard to expose yourself even when you know that the person is supposed to be safe.

  3. I understand completely. Sometimes I think the anxiety comes from having to do that thing--whatever it is-- alone. But I've also had some pretty whacked out anxiety attacks in the company of people I love and trust. Be kind to yourself. Take a walk. Breathe. Find some reason to laugh. Talk out loud. These are my tools. Wishing you the best of luck.

  4. I suffer from extreme health anxiety, so I know exactly how you feel. It is crippling and for me only gets worse the older I get.

  5. It sounds to me like this anxiety has a logical reason. People "should" be afraid of doctors and not liking to go. The anxiety that gets me is when there's no discernible cause but it's there nonetheless. So, I relate to what you're saying. It sucks!

  6. Me, too.

    Solidarity, sistah. Maybe you'll make the appointment and maybe I'll make it out of this house. But maybe not today.

  7. I know. Me too. But in a way, you know you'll be out the other end of it soon enough. It passes, you'll survive it. Maybe just focus on that.

  8. Oh sweet Mary I'm so sorry. Those kinds of anxiety attacks are painful and mind-numbing. Bad bad bad. I just hope it hurries on through.


  9. NP - is that naturopath?

    I hope so, I'm kind of with you on the dread of doctors thing, though your anxiety sounds much worse and I feel bad for you. I hope you get through it with flying colors, you and your man, or if there is something, any little thing, they nip it in the bud. My parents are so screamingly healthy, all because they go to the doctor.

    Now I have to prove I'm not a robot. Why do they make it so hard?

    take care darling.

  10. Doctors are necessary and check ups. Even though there is some anxiety. My wife experienced that today.

  11. Angella- I did it.

    Jeannie- I have examined my soul and I don't think it's that so much. I don't LIKE the girly-bits part of the exam but it doesn't bother me overly. My woman-parts have been wonderful and functional organs. I don't know. It's just...I don't even know.

    Denise- I sure did walk. And I talked out loud. Here, at least. Thank you.

    Lois- Yes! It only gets worse! Dammit! And both of us are pretty healthy old gals, aren't we?
    It's good to see you, by the way. Thank you for coming by and leaving a comment.

    Rubye Jack- The weird thing is, is that I am incredibly healthy. Never sick. Almost. Ah-lah. It may be the old fear of the other shoe being about to drop at all times. I would not doubt it.

    NOLA- I would have left the house for falafel. I hope you did. I made the appointment.

    Jo- Yes. That is one of the ways I am coping.

    Madame King- What a relief it will be when I am done!

    Deirdre- Nurse Practitioner. She practices under a doctor's license. And she's very cool. You're right, you're right. I think part of it is that I just don't WANT to live forever or maybe I don't want to live past my mind's ability to still work right. Sigh.

    Syd- I know. I KNOW! it's important. It is. Thank-you. I'm sorry your wife has to experience it too.

  12. I have been fortunate to find a medical doctor that also has training as a naturopath and a Reiki healer. He is a great big bruiser of a man from Iceland and I love him. I hope that one day more doctors will see the benefit of healing the whole body. We need to nurture not only our physical but our mental, social and spirtual selves as well.


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