Scrambled

Well. Guess what? It is hot.
I did get out and walk before it hit the nineties for once which means that instead of almost puking and almost passing out, I am merely hot enough to be annoyed with a tinge of anger.
I don't know where this anger is coming from. I have no reason to be angry. Maybe it's not even anger. Maybe it's just yearning. But for what? I don't know.
I was thinking last night what it would be like to disappear for awhile. Not long. Not too long. Just, oh, maybe a week. Just take off and not tell anyone where I was going but of course you can't do that these days. They can track your cell phone and your credit cards and your debit cards and for all I know, I have a microchip tucked away somewhere in my body. Also, and of course more importantly, I would not want to worry my family.

My main and number one rule is: DO NOT WORRY THE MAMA!

This applies not only to my children but also to my husband. Do not make me worry. No. Don't do it. That doesn't mean don't tell me about things that would make me worry. It goes much deeper than that. It means- DON'T DO THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE ME WORRY!

So how could I turn around and make them worry?

They don't always follow my rules.

Just last night I went out to put up the chickens and when I came back to the house, Mr. Moon had disappeared. I mean, he was just gone. The TV was still on and the dogs were there and I looked everywhere. He was not in the house. He was not in the yard.
"Where did Daddy go?" I asked the dogs.
They just looked at me with their milky old cataracted eyes as if to say, "How the fuck should WE know?"

Finally I found him. He was across the street chatting with our neighbor.

He had broken the rule, though. He had worried me. I don't know where I thought he might have gone. I was pretty sure aliens had not abducted him or that he'd been raptured. Or that he'd left me without a word. Just picked up and gone out the door and left me. Not that his car was gone. And of course, he and I do have this rule between us- if one us decides to leave, we must give the other one a fifteen minute warning so that the other one can pack to go with.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Disappearing. Yes. I sort of wish I could. But I'll tell you right now where you could probably find me if I did disappear.
Roseland.
If you are a relatively new part of this community, all you have to do is search for Roseland up there at the top of the page and you'll find more information than you need unless you plan to do a thesis on me.
But briefly, Roseland is a tiny village on the east coast of Florida where I spent part of my childhood and there's a magical place I love to stay there right on the river and it has a pool that was in ruins when I was a child but which has been restored and it is beautiful and maybe that's what I am yearning for- to disappear back there to hide by the river in the tiny little house with the pool right outside the window with lions spitting on all four corners.

I once spent an entire week there all by myself and it was heaven. I wrote every day for long hours and I went for walks that were so hot I was afraid I might spontaneously combust (this was July) and I swam in the pool and no one was there at all but me and I could swim naked and shower naked outside and I sat on the dock every night and watched the fishes jumping and the Great Blue Heron perch on a sandbar every night and see the sun go down and the moon and stars come out over the river and the palm trees and the bamboo rattled in the wind like god's own wind chimes.

I was there with my thoughts and my memories and the world I was creating with my own mind and I came back different for that and better too.

So that is where you would look for me, if I disappeared.
Which of course I won't do.

But if I did, I would be in Roseland.

I'm sorry. This isn't much of a post but it's what I've got right this second and I am straddling two worlds right now, this one in Lloyd and that one in Roseland and it's sort of hard to balance what we call reality with a completely different and yet so very powerful reality of the soul and my poor, overheated brain is dancing back and forth between the two and I feel as if I am trying to write two stories and neither one of them any damn good at all.