Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Suck But It's Still A Miracle

That is not a metaphor for anything, that picture. Well, it might be but not here, not today. It's merely a picture of a moss-covered pecan limb in the grayness which is my backyard this morning. I have a feeling the limb is moss-covered because it's rotten which means it shall fall one of these days and I hope I'm not standing under it when it does. I don't think it would kill me but it there would be blood and a headache which lasted for days.

But it's sort of pretty, isn't it, and the moss looks like green velvet. The sort you'd make a dress of if you were a princess of old and wouldn't you be fine in that velvet? Wouldn't the men from kingdoms surrounding come to sit at your dainty feet and just wait for you to take a deep breath so that the tiny bosoms beneath the velvet would swell and the room would grow quiet until you resumed normal breathing and eventually, the wolfhounds would settle back down by the fire and the men would burn, burn, burn in their waiting for your next deep breath?

I think I need a vacation.

Or at least a massage.

So I got to the Opera House last night and there was something going on in the downstairs part. Some sort of revival. There was a woman with a microphone and she was going ON about Jesus, praise his holy name and bring on the holy spirit and I don't even know but she just about wore out the name of Jesus and there was a BAND and although there seemed to be no real audience, there were people dressed in camo and I am not kidding.
Killers for Christ?
It was loud. Like, Jesus had already been deafened and this was a last ditch attempt to reach him through auditory means.

I went upstairs and the praising went on and it got louder and louder and louder and I am serious- you could feel it through the floor boards of the theater and we tried to do Act 1 but there was no way and I felt like my brain was going to explode. My god, it was awful.
So Jack suggested we call it a night but then we decided to go to Pat's house and just run lines and so we did although Pat told us that she hadn't dusted lately and I almost fell over laughing because a dustball wouldn't have a chance in hell in Pat's house and I was right. My house has never once been as clean and tidy as Pat's house is and likely never will be. There is probably more dirt and dust under one of my beds than in Pat's entire house.

So we ran through lines and I suck. Lines I know like the back of my hand fall out of my head as if that branch HAD fallen on it and left a hole right in the lines-keeping portion of my brain and they slip out and fall to the floor and scuttle under a bed somewhere and hide.

I'm in a major "I suck" mood this morning. In case you couldn't tell.
I suck in every way except, okay, I'm a good cook. Not a great cook, a good one, or at least decent. That I'll give you.
But today I can't even think of what to make for supper and I haven't even had my breakfast yet although it's sitting there in the blender just waiting for me with its protein, it's fiber, it's fruit.

There are cardinals on the feeder actually feeding each other and I'd take a picture but if I move from this chair to grab the camera they will fly off so just imagine that- two red birds, one dark, one dun, sharing seeds beak-to-beak and even if I suck, I got to see that and so maybe Jesus does love me even if I take his holy name in vain all the fucking time. At least I don't shout his name over a microphone and make the boards of the Opera House quake and chase would-be thespians out of the building.

I suck but I feed my mate and he feeds me too and even if I do suck, he is there for some reason and he's kind to me and I love him and he lives with me in this place where velvet coats the branches and even if I wear overalls he sometimes tells me I am pretty and so I am lucky and there is also the public library where they let you come and check out books for free and if that's not a miracle in this day and time I don't know what is and there are the tiny hands of my grandson who grabs me around the leg and wants to be picked up and the hens are laying again, beautiful fine eggs and I do not need someone with a microphone entreating me to praise the Lord because I am sitting here quietly, even as I feel that I suck, knowing that just being here to witness all these miracles on this gray day is a sort of worship, a sort of praise, and a sort of proof of something I am not even smart enough to figure out.


  1. That loud music and noise would have driven me bananas and made it impossible to concentrate and would have made me irritable.
    I need to start making some smoothies like you do. I suck at eating enough fruit.

  2. You're so right about the library, I'm surprised every single book in every single one of them hasn't been stolen...
    So funny, earlier I was thinking about what draws me to the different blogs that I read. Yours and Maggie's are two that keep me grounded in a way. When I come here, and there, to read I always know that you are both going to have something to say that I identify with and that you keep it real. So even if you think you suck today, you've given the world, or at least me, something to think on or nod my head about. Thank you for that.

  3. sometimes I suck at being alive period.

  4. Somebody once told me that no one ever notices that you have dusted the house, but they sure do notice if you don't. It doesn't matter to me because I don't care if they notice or not!

  5. Well, I don't think you suck, except at positive self image. Me too. I wonder a lot what drives the judgemental voice in my head, that see's what's not done right instead of what is. I bet years of therapy might reveal a hint or a clue, but I'm not interested in going there. I'm trying to learn to nurture myself, but I nurture others so much better.
    Libraries are a miracle, they've saved my life several times. I wish I belonged to a library district here, but I live in the netherworld tax district wise. But I have plenty of books to keep me company, so I won't complain.
    The loud religious noise would have sent me running and screaming.
    How's Lily's tooth? Better I hope. Hope May's better too. Hope you have a great day with Owen and hope the sun shines soon. That makes a huge difference some days.

  6. You don't suck. You're too weird to suck. Weird is good. Weird is better than good. I've been carrying that photo of chicken & cardinal around in my head since you posted it because I've never seen a cardinal that I recall and it startled me so much and also I snorted at DAINTY FEET because I was all up in the green moss fairy dress up til that point.

    Rebecca, size 10 shoe


    And that bit about the princess in velvet was pretty great.

  8. You so certainly don't suck, but I know you weren't fishing to hear that. I'm with Rebecca on nearly all her points, including the dainty feet thing since I wear a size 9 -- and I, too, have been carrying around that photo of the chicken and the cardinal. It was so damn weird and surreal and so far from sucking--

    Hope you have some grand success today to take away that feeling.

  9. A couple of things to ponder......
    sucking in general can be a good thing for instance on a lovely martini or it can be a bad thing when you think you suck at life. I have been in that mode too lately and I can't control the just happens so don't be so hard on yourself. You don't suck unless you want to suck...if you know what I mean.
    Oh and thank god I don't go to a church where we have to wear camo and yell. One thing to be thankful for...I love you and I can beat everyone..."I wear a size 9 but the 10's feel so good I buy 11's" and I really do! Nothing on me has ever been dainty!!!!
    Love you, Terry

  10. Michele R- If you start making and drinking smoothies you will excel at eating fruit. Believe me.

    tiffany- And thank you for telling me that. God, I needed to hear it.

    deb- Yep. Gotcha on how that feels.

    Lois- I'm right there with you.

    Mel- Lily is on antibiotics and much better and she's getting a root canal tomorrow morning so all well there and May is wonderful. I saw her today and once again, my heart almost exploded.
    I must have a pretty tough heart.

    Radish King- All Hail Moloch! Higher praise I am not sure I have ever received and both of us are probably far weirder than we even let on and boy- that's something. I did a post once on a cardinal that was in my bathroom. I'll have to find it and send you the link. Cardinals are some of the best parts of my days. Along with chickens.

    Stephanie- Such a pretty green...

    Elizabeth- Dainty is relative and none of us are princesses anyway but wouldn't it be nice to have a green velvet dress? Ah-lah.

    Terry- Yes. Some sucking is a good thing. And I know that dainty means nothing and I love you to PIECES!

  11. Oh, I totally get the "I suck" thing and am delighted to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I wonder how I have any friends at all because I suck so much and yet, that's the miracle of it, isn't it? We suck, and yet we are loved. They suck and yet we love them. We both suck, and I love you, and I'm pretty sure you love me, too.

    Also, I think the red cardinal is the daddy cardinal, feeding the babies. We see them at our house, too, and they seem to have clutches of babies year-round here. I shall think of you when they drop around for their evening stop. Love you, dear.

  12. I don't care much to listen to folks who yell "And the Lord said....".

    I can picture you at the court of Henry VIII. I watched the Tudors and saw a lot of breast heaving and breath holding, and kissing, and gossip and screwing. It was really a good show when all that was combined. Most of the wives didn't fare too well in spite of the heaving breasts.

  13. Angie C- Well, they were feeding each other which I had never seen before. So many cardinals this year.

    Syd- And then can you see me getting my head sliced off my neck?!

  14. I would love a dress in that green velvet, and the promise the limb would not crash on me!

    PS: I'm quite fond of swearing myself, it's a bad habit, I know. :)

  15. You, me, too much the same. Yes.

    I thought it was funny how you did the velvet boobies thing and had me going completely, and then there was something about Jesus in the downstairs part, which was very funny to me because you already had me thinking of sexy things.

    You don't suck.

  16. This:
    It was loud. Like, Jesus had already been deafened and this was a last ditch attempt to reach him through auditory means.

    Made me laugh. Thank you.

  17. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- I love that line. Thanks for noticing it. We are so much alike in so many ways.


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