Monday, November 1, 2010

If I Had Answers, I Would So Sweetly Give Them

The chickens are all good this morning, no signs of struggle, no blood, no foul. Elvis is doing his mating dance, a little side-step, tap-dance thing he does, flapping his wings oh so casually. The hens scatter when he begins to dance. Then they regroup and follow him wherever he goes.
Ah, the culture of the sister-wives and their husband.

We had no Trick-or-Treaters last night and I'm not surprised. For the first time ever, I think, I did not carve a pumpkin and put it out. I did buy a six-pack of Reese's peanut butter cups in pumpkin shapes, just in case, but there were no callers for candy. I have always loved passing out candy. I do not like to dress up in costume myself but I love to see the kidlings shining on Halloween, shimmering in the excitement of being out at night, dressed as someone or something else, holding out their bags for treats. But we just don't seem to get Trick-or-Treaters here in Lloyd and it makes me sad.
Mr. Moon and I had a Reese's pumpkin apiece for dessert after our eggplant parmesan dinner.
I've got to get my diet under control.

So I'm having my smoothie now. No more bacon, babies. Gotta give it up. Cheese too. I mean, really.

I don't know. I can't seem to motivate for anything these days. I can barely keep up with the basics. I just feel like everything is spinning out of control for me. Do you ever feel that way? The closets, the laundry, the yard, the house. Why can't I paint a bathroom? Painting can't be that hard.

Okay. Stop.

Do you know what I wish? I wish that I wasn't crazy. For one day of my fucking life, I wish I could feel like a normal person. I am overusing that word lately- "normal". I know there is no such thing but I think I am so far from it that I can't even see it from here.

Well, it's fall. The tung tree's leaves are yellow and falling. The Bradford Pear's leaves are still green but there are some red ones, dropped to the ground already and I know the rest will follow.

The pecans are already growing bare, their branches like ugly fingers, pointing with arthritic gnarling.

Time to get off my ass. Take the trash. Go for a walk. It seems like it would be easier to slay a dragon than leave my property today. I already slayed one, just getting out of bed.
Should it really seem that hard, just to do the things normal people do?
Should it?

I don't know. I have no answers at all today.

Just this. A gray sky over everything, a sense of doom in my soul, the chickens pecking in the yard, the violas still waiting to be planted, a giant branch which fell in a storm, waiting to be dragged away, vases that held dying and dead flowers sitting by the sink to be washed.

Here I go, sharpening my sword, ready to pierce some dragon flesh, wishing it were not so.


  1. It's not the painting that is difficult per se, it's the mess and tediousness involved with the project. A bathroom is the worst too because of all the nooks and crannies. And yes, sometimes I cannot catch up either and it feels like I am going 100 miles/hour but getting nothing done. A walk or ride always helps clear the mind, no matter how out of control it feels. Hope the walk helps for you!

    Have I told you lately how much I enjoy reading this blog of yours, Ms. Moon? I always look forward to each new post. :)

  2. I feel like you most days. I have gotten through life pretending to be normal around other people. I have much more than just the bathroom to paint. Life is generally like wading through deep water.

  3. Nicol- I know. You are right about the preparation. And the very idea makes me feel dizzy. And then you have to go to town to buy paint...
    Thank-you for your sweet words. I meant that.

    Jeannie- I SO know I am not alone.

  4. Every single weekday morning I wake up and spend a half hour discarding reasons to call in to work. Headache? No. Didn't sleep well? No. Hungry, got a cold, just can't put on my shoes and do it? No, no, no. Most days I win the fight, but there are plenty of days where I call in and crawl right back into dreamland.

  5. Me, too. I'm so lethargic. All the things I need/want to do keep shuffling through my mind, then Scarlett takes over; maybe tomorrow...

  6. DTG- I know. But we get up. We go on. I love you, baby.

    Lulumarie- Yes. I AM Scarlett. Without the tiny waist and the fabulous dresses.

  7. again, what dtg said. this morning especially, i thought there's not fucking way i can go to work, NO WAY, yet here i am.

    and please don't even think about painting, okay? it's a nightmare and you don't need that shit right now.

    thinking of you.

  8. Even on the days where it feels like you are doing nothing, you are here. HERE. This means you are a writer and that's worth a fuck of a lot more than any "normal" bathroom painting.

    You are writing and story telling every minute of the day even when you are not in front of the computer and that? That, is exhausting. And beautiful.

  9. I don't know. I can't seem to motivate for anything these days. I can barely keep up with the basics. I just feel like everything is spinning out of control for me. Do you ever feel that way? The closets, the laundry, the yard, the house. Why can't I paint a bathroom? Painting can't be that hard.

    Are you me?

    Maybe it's just winter/post-holiday blues.

    dtg, yes, I know. I love the idea of calling in sick because you just couldn't put on your shoes. That is a very familiar feeling.

  10. Bethany- Don't worry. I can't even pull of painting my toenails.
    Love you, honey.

    Lisa- Really? You have no idea how much better that makes me feel and I'm not kidding you. I feel like all I do is moan. And bitch. Mostly.

    Jo- Maybe. And sometimes putting on my shoes is the hardest thing about going for a walk. Which means- no excuse. Damn.

  11. Dear Ms. Moon,
    Once you except the fact that there is no such thing as normal and that everyone is crazy, your load will be lightened.
    Yes, you will still have bad days but they get easier we when stop pretending we have to pass as normal. Wave your crazy flag proudly and be grateful that you are not a bore.
    I think you are beautiful and a movie star.
    X David, NYC

  12. Sleep is overrated, so is normalcy; get up early and let the dawn shake the crazy loose.
    Consider: What would Neil Young be with Normal Horse? And Patsy wasn't Normal for feeling soooo blue. Remember, “Don’t let anyone drive you crazy when you know it is walking distance.” (Rodney D.)

  13. You said, "I can barely keep up with the basics. I just feel like everything is spinning out of control for me. Do you ever feel that way?"

    YES! I feel that way frequently. I feel it the least when I am just home all day with my kiddos, and not out running around. But still, it feels like I have climbed a mountain when I've simply put away a load of laundry!
    When I'm not out doing things though, I feel like I'm neglecting somebody or something. Too much to do!

  14. Being stressed and feeling other than normal is the new normal. Sad, but true.

  15. David- I would not mind crazy one damn bit if it didn't make me feel so bad. I am southern, after all, and we are supposed to be crazy and wear overalls and work in the yard and drink gin. Or something. That would be fine. And I do all of that. Well, not the gin. Although I do like it. I just always forget that I like it.
    I glory in that sort of crazy. But the sort that gores holes in my heart- no.
    I love you for saying I am beautiful and a movie star. In fact, it made me feel swoony to read that. Thank-you.

    Magnum- See above for my small rant on crazy. You are mostly right. But not about sleep. It is vastly underrated in my opinion. I love sleep. I would sleep all the time if possible. Unfortunately, it is not.
    Thank-you for coming by.

    Lora- I know. And I always think that when I die- who is going to have cared if I got my damn laundry done or if I hung my clothes on the line or dried them in the dryer? Sigh. I suppose this is just the way life is.

    Elizabeth- Thus the billions made by the drug companies on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.
    I love you.

  16. I'm starting to think crazy is more normal than we think. The more people I "come clean" to, the more people admit that they have the days on which they can hardly get out of bed. The days when they weep and hide from people, the days when it takes all their effort just to get the kids dressed and kissed and loved. Well, I've found a few anyway and they seem all "normal" from the outside. As do I.

    Big kiss to you, Ms. Moon, for showing you find things hard, too, and for being honest about the messiness of life.

  17. I seem to have that same foreboding... I've had it all day... Maybe it's the pending elections... being employed by a state agency, tomorrow will mean changes and hopefully they won't involve unemployment.

  18. It's hard to run through sand, sounds like you're up to your ankles. I hope the going gets easier.

    So glad you had last week in Sebastian! Respite.

  19. Maybe you are girding your loins for the vote tomorrow. I wish that it were going to be different from what I expect it will be, but there are a lot of crazy people out there who are rabidly against any kind of democratic platform. I suppose they want the old Bushell mentality back. I am already against the next war for the record.

  20. A long long time ago, I remember lamenting to my new friend, Moon, about the hardships of being a new mom. And I remember saying to her "Tell me that it gets better!"

    She said to me sweetly, in her delightful Southern drawl, "Oh, Honey. It doesn't get better. It just gets different."

    To that end, I suggest "that which does not motivate or leave you fulfilled today will be something else."

    Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

    Tomorrow is another day.

  21. you are acutely sensitive ,
    that is not a negative thing.
    don't beat yourself up about it.
    it makes you poetic and intuitive and passionate .

    it also makes you tired and sad and overwhelmed.

    I remember the first time I noticed people that just you know , did what they had to do all the time and thought, why do I have to chose.

    it's a certain type of hard. but it's a deep life , a deep and soulful living.

  22. Well, what is normal anyway? I have no idea.

  23. A sense of doom in my soul. I know that feeling. I have it most mornings. You are not alone, at least.

    You are a great gift in my life. I love you, Mary Moon.


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