Monday, November 1, 2010
If I Had Answers, I Would So Sweetly Give Them
The chickens are all good this morning, no signs of struggle, no blood, no foul. Elvis is doing his mating dance, a little side-step, tap-dance thing he does, flapping his wings oh so casually. The hens scatter when he begins to dance. Then they regroup and follow him wherever he goes.
Ah, the culture of the sister-wives and their husband.
We had no Trick-or-Treaters last night and I'm not surprised. For the first time ever, I think, I did not carve a pumpkin and put it out. I did buy a six-pack of Reese's peanut butter cups in pumpkin shapes, just in case, but there were no callers for candy. I have always loved passing out candy. I do not like to dress up in costume myself but I love to see the kidlings shining on Halloween, shimmering in the excitement of being out at night, dressed as someone or something else, holding out their bags for treats. But we just don't seem to get Trick-or-Treaters here in Lloyd and it makes me sad.
Mr. Moon and I had a Reese's pumpkin apiece for dessert after our eggplant parmesan dinner.
I've got to get my diet under control.
So I'm having my smoothie now. No more bacon, babies. Gotta give it up. Cheese too. I mean, really.
I don't know. I can't seem to motivate for anything these days. I can barely keep up with the basics. I just feel like everything is spinning out of control for me. Do you ever feel that way? The closets, the laundry, the yard, the house. Why can't I paint a bathroom? Painting can't be that hard.
Do you know what I wish? I wish that I wasn't crazy. For one day of my fucking life, I wish I could feel like a normal person. I am overusing that word lately- "normal". I know there is no such thing but I think I am so far from it that I can't even see it from here.
Well, it's fall. The tung tree's leaves are yellow and falling. The Bradford Pear's leaves are still green but there are some red ones, dropped to the ground already and I know the rest will follow.
The pecans are already growing bare, their branches like ugly fingers, pointing with arthritic gnarling.
Time to get off my ass. Take the trash. Go for a walk. It seems like it would be easier to slay a dragon than leave my property today. I already slayed one, just getting out of bed.
Should it really seem that hard, just to do the things normal people do?
I don't know. I have no answers at all today.
Just this. A gray sky over everything, a sense of doom in my soul, the chickens pecking in the yard, the violas still waiting to be planted, a giant branch which fell in a storm, waiting to be dragged away, vases that held dying and dead flowers sitting by the sink to be washed.
Here I go, sharpening my sword, ready to pierce some dragon flesh, wishing it were not so.