Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Night Thoughts

The weather made up its mind and chose high winds and rain with cold rushing in to fill in any gaps. On my drive home from Monticello tonight leaves were falling all around me, the road was covered in downed pine needles and the rain was heading towards my windshield and looked, in the lights, like a laser attack.
It was awesome.
Gonna get cold tonight. And colder tomorrow.
I'll probably bitch about it. You know I will.

Steel Magnolias is going to be something. We took our first tentative steps tonight. Everyone was there and we blocked the first scene which takes up at least a third of the play. As I said before, I have worked with two of the women before and we know each other. We know each other's rhythms and ways. And it's fun to have three new women to work with and the joy of it for me is always this coming together and taking flat words off a page and becoming someone other than our regular selves and making the words our own and the story, too.
It's a lot like magic when it works.
I feel so lucky to have this outlet.

I did some yoga today. First time in months. My yoga teacher retired from teaching, pretty much because I quit going as I was so often her only student. I quit going mostly because of Owen but I think I was just waiting for an excuse. My teacher was a very nice woman but the farthest thing in the world from what I would think a yoga teacher should be. But it did me good, going to her classes for so long and I will always be grateful to her for giving me the basics. I hope to continue doing forty-five minutes to an hour a day on my own. As I stretched and breathed today, it was as if my body was sighing with delight. I stood and did tree pose (my favorite) and looked out at the tung tree with its yellow turning leaves and I had a moment of quiet rightness.
Well, we shall see.
Why is it so damn hard to do the things we know will give us the most joy? Give us the strength and balance we need in this life? I wish I knew.

This funny life. It's as rich and full as we want it to be. As we make it. I have the strongest instinct towards making my life small. I know I do and it's not a good thing. I think depression is part of that- what's the point? And yet, the point is, when we do new things, or take up old things that brought us joy, we feel better. Ironic, eh?

So. Here I am, living a small life in a small village but popping out occasionally to act, to try and make that magic with others. I hang out with my kids some, and Owen comes to me. I can almost resemble a normal person sometimes and I think that most likely, everyone feels this way to a certain extent. We act in such a way that we will fit in. Most of us. We don't dance to the Muzak in the grocery story when we like it, we don't start screaming when we don't. We pretend we're delighted to see people that we'd just as soon avoid. We hold our tongues in most situations where, if we unleashed them, others would be offended or hurt or baffled. It's the way of the ape-tribe.

Hell. How did I get from yoga to there?

Fuck if I know.

Good-night, y'all. Think about what you'd like to do if...
you had the time, the money, the backbone, the balls, the whatever it is stopping you.
And tell me about it if you want.
I'd love to hear.

Now get your rest and see where your dreams take you. See if they inform your waking dreams.

I wish you flying, I wish you singing, I wish you sparkling like the rain that hurtled itself through the darkness tonight.
I wish you EVERYTHING you want, no matter how big.
Or small.
I really do.


  1. thank you ms. moon...as i do enjoy flying dreams ever so much. and i have sung in my dreams like bells ringing out..enough to wake me.
    i love your willingness to show up...
    you are a beautiful curtain call...
    the one where the lead looks into the eyes of her audience and tosses all the flowers into their open laps..one by one.

  2. I would 1. Sail around the world, 2. run a marathon, 3. become a psychologist, 4. take up para-sailing, 5. have a farm for rescued animals such as horses, cows, pigs, sheep, etc.

    Whew--dreams are taking me to slumberland.

  3. rebecca- Every comment you leave is a bouquet of flowers that I hold gently to my face. Thank-you.

    Syd- Those sound doable to me. You are a man of great ability and perseverance. Sleep well.

  4. I'd like to go on a one-week vacation -- either by myself, with my husband or a group of girlfriends. One week -- somewhere like Mexico, or Bora Bora.

  5. What a post. It struck me right to the bone. Yes to the yoga!

    If I had the opportunity just now, I would most like to spend an afternoon on a sunny ski slope. Best way to cope with winter. Luckily we are going for a week in February, and our default babysitter (my mother) is going, too, so fingers crossed I will manage.

    Also I should exercise, do yoga, meditate, eat right - all that crap. And if I had the balls I would finally try to be a writer. Which is what I want to be in my heart of hearts, but then I read a brilliant book and I think I lack the imagination. And I would never get published. Ah well. You can imagine the thoughts.

    Ms. Moon you do write them well.

  6. ms moon,
    i love reading your blog!
    your so real,your a breathe of fresh air. if i had the balls,the backbone, and the money i would leave my negative husband.live out the rest of my life in a cave,but just bein happy.
    oh well.
    take care miss moon.

  7. I am so excited for your Steel Magnolia production. I played Annelle at a time in my life when depression was threatening to overcome. The support from working with those strong women was healing for me and so I will forever love that play. Truvy is a wonderful, dynamic character who you will play very well. I just know it ; )

  8. If I had the money, I'd bail out Goodwood (did you see today's Democrat?) - I'd also love to provide more young people with domestic survival skills - like parenting, menu planning and how to cook real food that is delicious but inexpensive - that could change a cycle of poverty. Another cross country road trip with my husband would be really nice. And someone to address the holiday open house invitations that really need to get in the mail.

  9. Elizabeth- Lord, honey. You deserve that. Can it somehow happen?

    Mwa- You write so you ARE a writer. There. There's that. And I understand. I do.

    cathy- That's a hard one. Maybe the hardest. I wish you whatever it takes for you to be at peace.

    Amber Elise- I will do my best. Annelle is a great part.

    Juicie- From the vast to the small. I like that. Yes, I read that article about Goodwood. Times are hard...
    Somehow, I think it will survive.

  10. I would become a politician and curse in my speeches and tell the damn truth and call a damn pinhead a damn pinhead and remind my constituency that ALL PEOPLE REALLY ARE CREATED EQUAL, sort of like Huey Long and Harvey Milk did. I would be elected on Tuesday and likely assassinated on Wednesday.

  11. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Don't become a politician. I don't want you to be assassinated.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.