Skipping Like A Dipshit

I know absolutely nothing about this painting. It accompanied a post on Facebook on a Florida memories group. The post was about Palatka which is across the state to the east of here. I sent the picture to Lis and told her it was another of our dream houses. She agreed and asked if we could turn the attic into the sewing room. We've always fancied the idea of living together in our old age with the men around too. Goodness knows we would have many projects that they would be so thrilled to do for us. 

I went for a walk today and stole those beauties from a bush in the yard of the former Lloyd Women's Club. The blooms change color as they mature. I have decided that I am going to start a movement wherein we stop calling this plant a confederate rose and rename it with what it should be called which is "Prom Queen Posy." "Ballerina Beauty" would also work.
What do you think?

Today's been a rough day. Emotionally, I have felt fragile as a crystal wineglass, and then, in an attempt to try and get a few endorphins going I took a mere two-mile walk and now my sciatica is as bad as it ever was and the knee on that same side feels like it's going out and so now I'm in worse shape emotionally and physically than I was before and I keep thinking- this is how my life is now. Things hurt and it hurts to move and it hurts to, well, live. 

And then I feel so very guilty because I have a beautiful life and am actually pretty healthy for an old woman who's spent her life carrying and bearing babies and toting them around and gardening and walking and all that stuff and hell, I've had depression my whole life and anxiety too and shouldn't I know how to deal with those things by now and if I did all the right things like lose weight and meditate and do yoga and participate more in a community it would fix me right up!

Right? Right! Just change your attitude, baby! Change your life and make it better! Go on, you can do it! One step in front of the other! 

And then I cry some more.

Aw, shit.

Here I am again. 

And moving on, I saw that my neighbor's sasanquas are blooming. Bad photos but I honestly can't see a thing when I'm taking pictures in the sun. 

"Sasanqua" actually refers to the type of camellia these flowers are. They are camellia sasanqua, not camellia Japonica as the later-blooming ones are like the pink perfections and all of those magical flowers that will soon be opening and breaking my heart with their beauty all winter long. 
But the sasanquas are pretty too and I love the way their petals fall, creating a carpet of pink beneath them. 

I also noticed on my walk that the tea olives this year really are more fragrant. I could smell them when I went past yards even when I could not see them. And my own have a scent so strong that I can smell them from my back porch, even though the nearest tree is at least a dozen yards away. Scent molecules drenched in perfume. 

When I went to the post office, I checked on My Gypsy Soul Boutique. 

Rather unbelievably and despite my deep misgivings about Lloyd being a place to open a hippie stuff shop*, it is still open. 
But wait. This sign is in the window.

It would appear that the store is only open when the farmer's market is set up on Saturdays. And the woman who owns the boutique is the one who has organized the farmer's market so I guess, in some ways, things are working out for her? Maybe? I always forget it's there on Saturdays but the venders keep coming back so I guess it's doing okay. I wonder how the Tarot and palm readings are coming along.

I have no doubt that all of you have been on the edges of your seat, wondering what had become of that particular Lloyd feature. 

I also know that all of us here, or at least most of us, feel as if we are waiting on a biopsy report as the days count down to the election. Fourteen days, right now. Two weeks. Things have gotten progressively weirder as Trump's exhaustion, age, and genetic propensity towards dementia are catching up with him. Too many examples to even start listing. I will say that yesterday when I ordered Mr. Moon's favorite lunching-out beverage at the restaurant where we met May and Michael because he had dropped me off to go park the car, I almost could not get my words out. 
The beverage? An Arnold Palmer. Which is half sweet tea and half lemonade. Supposedly this was the pro golfers's favorite drink. And why was it so hard for me to utter these words to the server? I'm sure you know but if you don't, just google "Trump, Arnold Palmer," and you'll get it. 
The perverse, probably-in-early-dementia-person that I am almost asked if they had really big Arnold Palmers but I stopped myself. 

And yet, this quote by Tim Walz delighted me.

“Look, Elon’s on that stage, jumpin’ around, skipping like a dipshit,” Walz said, prompting cheers.

Say it, Tim! Speak the truth and fear no man! Or woman! 

What crazy times we live in. There is the possibility that my depression and anxiety are the sanest reactions to all of it there are. 

I still hate them. 

Love...Ms. Moon

*And we all know that I am and have always been a hippie so that was not a derogatory description.

A Celebration Of Life For My Very Much Alive Darling Girl

Thirty years ago today was definitely the worst day of my life. I never mark the anniversary though. I believe that is because even thinking about the day slams me right back to the day and I am overwhelmed, drowning in the emotions I had, the fear I felt.
The event that happened on that day, which I do not want to remember but absolutely will never forget, is that May got hit by a car on her way to school. 

Look. I'm not going to go into details about injuries because there just is no need but they were extensive and the fact that she is here today, that she can, as she said to me, walk and dance all these years later is some sort of miracle. 

It was every parents' nightmare, from the phone call at seven something in the morning to getting to the hospital where she was taken, not knowing a damn thing about what had happened except that she'd been in an accident and the police called me to tell me. They called Glen too, and although he was at least four miles away and I was about four blocks away from the hospital, he beat me there. He opened the door of the ambulance. 

All right. That's all I want to say about it right now. Or maybe ever again. My baby May, sixteen years old, had been grievously injured. That is enough to know. 

So last night when she texted me and asked if Daddy and I would like to meet her and Michael for lunch as it was the thirtieth anniversary of her accident and she wanted a little celebration of life, of course I said I absolutely would. And Glen did too. He'd gotten home just a few hours before but he knew how important this was. 
 
And we did meet them. I put on a very blue dress and even make-up and perfume. Hell. I wore real shoes! And the swankiest bracelet I own. Mr. Moon dressed in a long sleeved button up shirt and a pair of nice Levi's and off we went to downtown Tallahassee which neither of us has visited in many years. And there were Michael and my darling, dancing May who was so strong and who is so strong and so beautiful and why the heck didn't I take a picture of her and Michael? I just didn't even think about it. I was too busy taking them in. 
We hugged and hugged and hugged. And we talked for two hours while we ate delicious lunches under the oak trees and sky. 

I was so glad to be there. So honored that May asked us to join them. I told her that if all those years ago on this date, I could have seen the tiniest glimpse of what we'd be doing today, it would have relieved me so much. We talked about the accident a little. Mostly the funny things that happened because funny things did happen and we clung to them as proof that my girl was going to live, and how much we loved her surgeon who put her leg back together. There were some tears but it was mostly joy that here we were. Strong and alive and loving each other so much. 

"Life." said Kurt Vonnegut, "There is just no stopping it." 

And here's a tiny bit of life from Lloyd today.

This little anole was almost right in the center of one of my sea grape leaves. Can you imagine being so tiny that you don't even bend a sea-grape leaf? Also- if I had those eyes, I'd never have to put on eye shadow again. 

The tea olive blooms are more fragrant right now than any other year I can remember. 

I picked two tiny branches of them to bring into the kitchen and put in a vase with two late roses. 

Life, no matter what, does indeed hold sweetness even if it is so small that we hardly see it. Recognizing it and holding it close is important, I think. 

May and I held each other close today and the sweetness was immense. I am beyond grateful that we can and that we did. 

Happy day of still dancing, May. Your mama loves you. But you know that. 

Love...Ms. Moon

No Trad Wives In This House

Here's the only picture I've taken all day long. It's a loaf of sourdough that I baked this morning. Jessie recently went to a nutritionist who told her that she could probably tolerate sourdough bread very well, unlike regular bread. So Jessie asked me if I still had starter and I did and I do so I gave it a few feedings and yesterday I started a loaf to see if it was viable and I think I can safely say that it is. So I will pass some starter off to her. 

Mr. Moon has arrived safely at Tallahassee International Airport. What a joke that name is. I doubt a plane has ever flown to another country from that airport. Hell, you have to go to Atlanta to get anywhere from here. Which is where Mr. Moon's last flight was from today.

So he should be here in less than an hour. For his return I've got spaghetti sauce simmering made with venison. That will go nicely with the sourdough. 

I had an appointment with the massage therapist today. Hank and Rachel were just leaving when I got there. They, too, had seen her. This woman does not do full-body massage. She works on specific areas that you may be having problems with. In my case today- this sciatica thing. And so instead of it being a dreamy, delicious hour of new age music and peaceful relaxation, it's sort of painful at times. It was a little painful for me today. She got right into that glute and found the muscles that are so tightly holding the nerve and she worked on them. She was careful not to inflame it more than it already was and honestly, after forty-five minutes I am feeling no pain at all in that area although I am aware that it might hurt tomorrow but that's to be expected. This woman is such a good person. On her website she says, "You are safe on my table." And that covers a lot of ground and she means it. Also, she does not take tips. What she charges is what you pay and if she feels like you only need forty-five minutes of work, she charges you for forty-five minutes of work. 
Everyone should be so ethical. 

I am listening to a murder of crows who are right across the railroad tracks and they sound agitated about something. I wonder what they're talking about. I wonder how it will feel to my husband to come home to this place in Lloyd where his wife, his chair, and his bed are. I imagine he's going to miss the camaraderie of his buddies, the beautiful skies he's been seeing, the feeling of being away and on an adventure. It's always feels like a small disturbance in the ether when he gets home, and there is always a short period of adjustment for both of us. But adjust we always do. 

I think Maurice feels that something is about to happen. She seems on high alert although that could be because she just chased a rather pretty black and white cat off the property. I've never seen this one before. It looked too well-fed and well-groomed to be a feral but whatever it is, Maurice will not have it. She will never allow another cat in this house again as far as I can see. 

I should go put on lipstick and my sexiest apron and make a martini to have in hand for when my husband comes through the door, right? 

Uh. No. I mean, I'll gladly make the martini and I did put on some tinted Chapstick today so I think I'm good. Who needs an apron when you're wearing overalls? They're my prettiest ones. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Laughing And Crying

So. Here's a fun story! 
You see this lovely, sweet kitty cat? 

Such a pretty little tiger. She even came in to sleep with me last night. 
Again, about 3 a.m. whereupon she scratched and scratched the bed and meowed to let me know she was there and finally she settled down, snugged up beside me and I got back to sleep. She was still there when I woke up. 

And when I had attended to my morning routine and gotten dressed, I headed towards the kitchen to get my coffee and there, in the hallway, I spied something that I could not identify. It was long. Slim. But not too slim. For a second, I thought perhaps it was one of the zinnias that I'd cut and put in a vase there on the floor but no, it was not and I realized that what I was looking at was some sort of rodent tail and it was at least six to seven inches long and there were also some other tender vittles lying beside it and when I say "tender vittles" I mean innards of the creature who had had its tail removed. 
Oh, fuck me. 
I really tried to tell myself that it had been a possum because do rats really have tails that long? but then I realized that yes, they certainly can! I just pray with all of my atheistic-ish heart Maurice caught that thing outside and brought it in because if I have things like that living in my house we have to move. 

I found some more guts in the library as well as some furry part that had been on the outside of the rodent. I cleaned all that up and I survived because I am a crazy strong bitch but actually, no, I am not, there was just no one else to clean it up and I certainly was not going to be looking at that mess all day long. 

Life in Lloyd. TOO MUCH NATURE! 

I am now assuming that it is not only cats that Maurice fights with who mess her face up. Hell, she's probably out wrestling bears at night too. I don't know. I just know that every time I hear her scratching on my bed at 3 o'clock in the morning I'll be envisioning her cleaning guts and blood off her claws. 

I worked outside some this afternoon and realized, as I walked past the tea olive that it is blooming again. The fragrance of a tea olive is absolutely one of the most enchanting things I know. Somehow, it's also one of the most feminine fragrances I know. It smells of fancy face powder like Edith Piaf might have worn, and apricots and peaches and something I cannot identify. It's at once ethereal and pungent. But sweetly so. 

Mr. Moon will be home tomorrow night. I assume he's coming home. I know he's had the very best time with his guys. I can't even imagine. Actually, I try not to imagine. I am quite sure that a lot of meat cooked over a fire as well as brown liquor, are involved. Also hunting dogs and the...you know- hunting. 
Sigh. 
As I always say, I do not understand in the least why he loves this so much but I absolutely understand that he does and since it's part of who he is, I have to respect that he needs to go on these trips. 
In my own way, of course. 

I played a little more piano today but it made me so sad. I'm just so bad at it. And yet, even in my sadness, I was glad I was doing it. 

Pine cone lilies in the afternoon sun. 

For some reason, the phrase, Laughing and crying, you know it's the same release, from Joni Mitchell's song "People's Parties" is in my head. So. Here. You can listen to it if you want. Don't bother if you don't.

Talk about ethereal...

Love...Ms. Moon

One Must Attend The Rites Of Friday, No Matter What

Mr. Moon is the one getting all the great pictures lately and he so sweetly sends me some of them. 

This may be a rather off-beat post. Or it may not. As always, I really have no idea what I'll be writing about when I open up a new post. But here's the thing- no matter how my day has been, emotionally or physically, the feeling I get when I sit down to write is as good to me now as it was when I started back in the very olden days. According to my stats which I just looked at for the very first time, I have written almost 9,500 posts. 
Man. That's a lot of words. 

So. How HAS today been, Ms. Moon? 
Well, fine. As my Sue used to say, I've had the saddies, but it's not the continual weeping saddies so that's good. I haven't been able to tell one bit of difference since I've upped the dosage of one of my anti-depressants which the doctor recommended. But you know- it can take time. What it feels like to me is that I am becoming inert. I lack the ability to move. To move to travel, to move to go to town farther than where my perceived safety zone is, to move to go see other people, to do anything new, to move to start or finish projects that I really want and need to do. I have a strong desire to become invisible. 

Well, hello! 

Except for here where I can write it all which is a way of being seen but not seen, too.

I washed the sheets today although I've been sleeping so soundly that I'm not even sure I've moved in the night and I always take a shower before I go to bed. But routine- now that is something I can do. So yes, clean sheets on the bed.
Went to Costco to get a few things I needed, saw Brenda, hugged her.

Went to The Wharf and had shrimp for lunch making it the fourth time this week that I've had shrimp for a meal. So what? It's like I'm going down the Bubba Gump list of what you can do with shrimp. I've had the ginger shrimp twice (once was leftovers), barbecued shrimp (last night) and grilled shrimp for lunch. 

I worked in the yard, doing some more digging up of crocosmia and other assorted unwanted plants. 

That's what happens when I loosen the soil under crocosmia plants and dig in with my trowel and hand to try and bring out the corms. And that is pretty much everywhere in this particular area as well as some more of the beds in the yard. 

But. 

When I am working in that bed and look up, this is what I see. Not the oldest tree on the property or the largest one either, but it is substantial. 

Played some piano. Why do I do this? I think because when I get the notes right, as rarely and slowly and stutteringly as I do, it brings a sense of harmony into me. 

The sun is below the tree line and it is growing less light with every second. Maurice is napping on a pillow on a chair a few feet away from me. Her eyes are slitted and I know that she is keeping watch over the backyard. A little while ago, something streaked across the yard right by the back of the house where we're sitting. Something of good size. Not a squirrel. She and I both startled. I stood up to see if it was still in sight and Maurice ran to the place in the screen that she's ripped out to make it easier to come and go, and stuck her head out to look too.
"What was that?" I asked my cat. 
"I have no idea," she said. I swear. She said that. 
So of course she's now on high alert. It was probably the feral cat that lives over by the garage who is also probably the one she gets into fights with all the time. 

Please know I am fine. I am not lonely. I am just...Mary. And this is how Mary is sometimes. No need to try and cheer me up, PLEASE! Odds are good that tomorrow life will look as rosy as...a rose?

Anyway, and besides all of this nonsense, I have made my own martini and am sipping it and saying, Happy Friday, y'all! 

Love...Ms. Moon

In Which I Hear What Harvey Has To Say

 Last night Mr. Moon and I texted back and forth about our respective suppers. He and the other hunter guys were eating shrimp that he'd taken all the way to Canada in a Yeti ice chest ON THE AIRPLANE! 
Y'all have no idea how crazy my husband is. But in a good way.
So while he was sending me pictures of all the different ways they were cooking shrimp, I was sending him pictures of what I was eating. Above you see the cauliflower and asparagus, neither of which are favorites of his. 

Carrots and orange bell peppers. 

Scallions.

And of course...

The tofu. There were other things that got thrown in there too like spinach and mushrooms, ginger, garlic. In fact, the only thing I really used from the recipe was the peanut sauce. 

So after I sent all these pictures to my husband he texted back, "Go ahead girl!" 
And I did. 

Here's what the temperature on my porch was this morning when I got up.

It was chilly, indeed! But perfectly lovely. 

I headed out for a walk around noon and I enjoyed the so-very blue sky and the way the green trees looked against it. There is an intensity of the colors, I think, at this time of year. 

Not a good picture but I did not care to cross through the devil's needles to get closer. I thought these were black-eyed susans but my plant app says they are swamp sunflowers which sounds about right for North Florida. 

I had an interesting encounter with Harvey. We talked for quite awhile. I saw him when I was on my way home, picking up some things from the yard where the unbelievable amount of junk is and putting them in a bucket. And then he started walking back to his place, about half a mile away or so. I caught up with him when he stopped for a break and immediately he began telling me that the people who owned that property had told him he could have what he'd taken and I absolutely believe that to be true but I think he may have been worried that I would think he'd stolen the stuff which, as far as I could tell, were some random parts of random equipment, none of which I could identify. 
Now, it's hard for me to understand Harvey. Not only does he have a very deep and pronounced patois, he also has very few teeth and there may be other things going on there that I am not sure of. But honestly, I only get about a tenth of what he says. Today he seemed to just want to talk about how he had permission to take that stuff and also, the guy who lives next door to the yard with all the stuff in it. Now the guy who lives there is someone I've spoken to several times at the post office and he has an interesting story but I feel it may be his only story. It's also a tragic story. He is gay and I guess his entire family has disconnected from him and he had a husband who was sick with AIDS. He took care of his husband until he died and now he is alone and from what I think Harvey said, he'd talked to Harvey and shown him a picture of his deceased husband and talked in great length about how his family has abandoned him because he is gay and all of this upset Harvey a great deal. 
Let us just say that Harvey is not very comfortable around men who show him pictures of their husbands. "I ain't got time for that!" he said at least five times. 
I told Harvey that I had a lot of gay folks in my family but he really did not seem to want to converse as much as he wanted to tell his story of this encounter and also, the junk he'd picked up in the yard. For a few minutes he talked about how hard it was for him and how people look down on him, but that he survives. He has not committed suicide and he is trying to get his property back together. I told him that I think he is one of the strongest people I know and that is the damn truth. Anyone who can live on a small piece of land, basically in a truck up on blocks with no electricity has to be strong. 
There was more but as I said, I could not understand a lot of it. We parted and I walked on but before we did, he said, "When I see you, I wave because that's all I have." 
Oh my god. And you know what? That is just about all he has. 
He did discuss his Lord Jesus sign with the two white flags which symbolize peace and how someone had told him he should take that down. I told him that it's his property and he can put up any sign he wants. Hell, I'd rather see that sign any day than a Trump sign. 

I wanted so very much to ask him if I could take his picture. His face is truly beautiful. But I just couldn't. I'd have to tell him that I write about him on a blog and I seriously doubt he has any idea what a blog is and I really didn't want to get all deep into that. Maybe one of these days. 

And I walked on home to my beautiful house that shelters us and gives us privacy and has beds and a kitchen with a stove and refrigerator, and electricity and a generator and bathrooms with showers and toilets and a heater and an air conditioner and a TV and computers and water that comes out of taps in four rooms of the house, not a spigot outside. 
I had a lot to think about. 

And again, the day has flown by. I cleaned the door in the kitchen, clearing it of cobwebs and polishing the glass panes in it. 

You have no idea how much better it looks now and I should be embarrassed to admit that but I am not for some reason. 

I tried to do some more clearing of the bed by the fence in the front yard but it became apparent to me in just a few minutes that I can either take a walk or I can do yard work. I cannot do both on the same day. Knees, hip, god I'm a mess. 
This depressed me more than I can say and that is all I want to say about that. 

Here's a picture that Mr. Moon sent me this morning. 

Love...Ms. Moon

Winter Is Coming. My Toes Are Ready

This morning when I made the bed, I took the duckling off and replaced it with the real duck which has spent the summer in a closet, rolled tight and stored in a plastic bag. It is supposed to get down to fifty degrees tonight, forty-three tomorrow night. For many of us here, this is frigid weather, barely tolerable, but when it comes to bedtime, I leave the window open at least four or five inches, and then snuggle down deep in the cotton and down and I am as happy as I can be. 
And yes, the fan will be on too. 

After speaking so harshly about Maurice in yesterday's post, she did indeed come and sleep with me. However, she decided not to bother me until 3:00 a.m. at which time she jumped on the bed, then jumped on me and walked back and forth across my body a few times. 
I suppose she wanted to alert me to the fact that she was there but then, before she settled down, she went into puke mode. 
Maurice rarely, if ever, pukes. Jack vomited all the time but not Maurice. So I was a bit shocked. She had the excellent manners to only cough up a tiny blade of grass on the bed before jumping off and finding places in the laundry room and dining room to continue her purging. 
Sigh.
And then she settled back on the bed and we went to sleep and all was well. She was still there when I woke up this morning. When I got out of bed she looked at me with sleepy slitted cat eyes as if to ask, "Must we? Really?" but she jumped off and followed me to the kitchen. 

So she is back in my good graces. Mostly.

I swear, here it is Wednesday and I have done so very little with my time alone! I've gotten nothing done I had planned to do when Mr. Moon was gone. And he'll be back on Sunday! 
Today was taken up by meeting Lily and Jessie and Lauren in town where we went to the fancy kitchen store and I got a bench scraper and some new biscuit cutters. I've never had a bench scraper and I definitely think I need one. Now, as to biscuit cutters, I generally use a glass but the one I always use broke, I guess. I can't find it. It was an old wine glass. I liked it because it was the right size and, being a wine glass, was thin enough on the edges to make a nice biscuit. But now I have an entire set of them of various sizes and I am pretty excited about that. 

I really need to get a life, don't I?

Then the four of us had lunch and we laughed so hard. Boud always tells us what was discussed at her knitting group and I enjoy that so I'll give you a little bit of what we discussed over lunch. Children of all ages and stages, feeling guilty because as mothers that's what we do, misgendering people, people who post on FB about their sexual proclivities (S&M in this particular case) which really should have trigger warnings on them, why I find Beyond Meat to be scary (I know it's really not but that's how I feel), and other sundry things that I can't remember but we sure did find a lot of them to be hilarious. 

Then Lauren had to go to work and Lily and Jessie and I met Rachel at a nail place and we got our toenails done. 

I am back to my long-time love, OPI's "I'm Not Really A Waitress." I've had fun with aquas and blues over the summer but it is now the season for my toenails to be deep red. I think it's so funny how my toes are kinking up the same as my fingers with the toe knuckles swelling, just as my finger knuckles are. 

 

And so that was a beautiful day and I loved it and I got to see some of my babies and my feet feel beautiful, even in their aging and changing. And so what if I didn't have time to stitch or play piano?

Speaking of aging- I picked my last zinnias when I went outside to pick arugula. They are getting very small but they are still bright reminders of what summer brings. I think, if anything, their colors are even more beautiful than they were a month or so ago.

Some of those blooms aren't much bigger than a nickel. 

I believe that tonight's supper will be something based on this.

There will be more vegetables though, and I may cook some noodles to go with it, rather than rice. 

Stay cozy, everyone. 

Love...Ms. Moon