Thursday, November 4, 2010

Really, Really

I am not, not, NOT having a good day.

It's after eleven and Mr. Moon is nowhere to be found. He left the house at seven to go sight his gun. In the woods. Where there are bears. And guns.

I'm sure he's fine. He's always fine.

But it's gray and the sky is so heavy with unborn rain and it's getting cooler every second and it's going to be damn cold by tomorrow and well, where is my husband?
Yes. I called his cell phone. Straight to voice mail.

Okay. I just called him again. He's fine. He's fine. My husband is fine. He's still sighting his gun. "Only a few more clicks."
What's a click?

This is what I say is my Number One Rule:

Do not worry the mama!

And I fucking mean it, too. The rule applies to children and husbands.
And they should fucking know that by now.

Ah-yah. It's just one of those days.

You can't imagine how gravid the sky is. I can feel the reptile chill of it pressing down on everything. Fuck winter. I don't understand how some people can live where the sun doesn't shine for days at a time. I would go mad in six weeks. Maybe less. Maybe two weeks.
I would have to live in movie theaters and bars- places where it's supposed to be dark. I would be drunk on booze and bloated on popcorn all the time. I would stumble home and cook Swanson TV dinners and pass out in bed while they were still in the oven, the fried chicken and pasty mashed potatoes becoming cinders while I slept, the peas little black cannonballs and when they all burst into flames and my house caught fire, I would dream that the sun was finally shining, that light and warmth were returning.

And that's me today, even though I am wearing an incredibly soft T-shirt of the most divine shade of periwinkle blue that I bought yesterday at Old Navy. I shouldn't have. I always think that the clothes at Old Navy were made by four-year old orphans in Viet Nam who have had their feet cut off in order to prevent them from running away and who make two cents an hour. How else can they be this cheap?
I bought a green one too.

Mr. Moon is leaving town tomorrow for a week to go to a high school reunion in Nashville and then to go hunting with an old friend up there. I am not going, of course. I have been to two of his high school reunions. Maybe three. There is much drinking and merriment and the women look and sound like Reba McEntire and everyone still loves Mr. Moon who was a celebrity then and is a celebrity now at his old high school. And of course, I do not go hunting. Where would he stash me while he was in the woods?
No. He needs to go be manly and do manly things and if those Reba Wannabees stand a chance with him, I need to not be there.
Plus, I have a grandson to take care of so that my daughter and her husband can go to work and pay the mortgage and not be homeless.
And chickens.
And dogs.
The cat could probably fend for herself.

And it's going to be really, really cold there. Colder than it's going to be here and that is colder than I want to deal with.

So it's that sort of day.

I can't wait until bedtime when it's supposed to be dark and cold.

Only about twelve more hours.

I guess I'll wash the sheets so everything will be ready.

But I do like my T-shirt. It's really, really blue.
Thank-you, orphans. I mean it.
And I'm sorry about your feet.


  1. You know you're poor when you think Old Navy clothing is not cheap but a bit on the pricey side. I just bought 2 shirts and a pair of pants for just under $50 on sale at Kohl's and I thought to myself, I should have shopped smarter and got a cheaper pair of pants so I could have 2 pair of pants. I've done it before.......but this time I failed.

    I would go mad after the first day of no sunshine. I don't know how people live in places that does not get sunshine either.

    I have no idea how I have put up with Missouri winters either. It's only 48F here and I'm cold every time I think of going outside. I have the heater set at 72 and I have a chill.

  2. Ms. Moon, if you were to charge a fee for reading your blog, I would pay it. There’s gotta be someone somewhere to get your “columns” published. You wrote descriptively about the abused Vietnamese children in sweat shops and then wrote….I bought a green one too. Hysterical.
    I’m with you on how mama gets worried. I hear a siren when my Hubs has left to do errands and I am already planning the funeral. And I will have young drivers to deal with in a couple years to add to the menopausal anxiety.

  3. Maybe it's a bad day, but you sure are weaving the words! Your story about the swanson dinner catching fire and you dreaming it's finally sunlight--I love it! Also, unborn rain. What a good phrase.

    And yes, do not worry the mama. It's an important rule.

  4. I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I wish I could bring you some sunshine in a bag.

  5. i really, really like your style ms moon!

  6. Rebecca- Hell, our Goodwills cost almost as much as Old Navy now. Sometimes a girl's gotta splurge.

    Michele R- Blog-for-fee. Hmmm...
    Love you for suggesting it though.
    And I, too, have planned a thousand funerals.

    Lora- In the end, Do Not Worry The Mama covers a LOT of territory.

    Elizabeth- I can see you now, flying across the country with your yellow silk velvet bag of sunshine. I love the image! Thank-you, dear.

    reeflightning- Well, it's the only style I have, so I'm glad it works for you. Welcome!

  7. I'm really liking your number one rule and I think I will make it mine too. I hope your day gets better!

  8. I am having a really weird day --not bad, not sad, just strange feeling. Funny we both are.

  9. Oh Ms. Moon, I know these days. Nothing is flat out wrong but there is that worry under the surface that doesn't even have to be based on anything real, just shadows and imaginings and that's as real as it gets when one's imagination is as powerful and vivid and wondrous and rich as yours! Such a double edged sword that gift you have, but I am thankful for it because you make me see things anew and i just love love love the Swanson dinner exploding into sunshine in your oven while you dream. what a story! made my day. I do hope some peace comes along and creeps inside your day and that by bedtime the sleep will be sweetened by it. Hang in there, dear friend, and just get through the minutes today. I send armfuls of love.

  10. I'm sorry you were worried and had a bad morning, but this really tickled my dark little funny bone, so thank you for that. And I'm with you on the sunless days thing... couldn't do it.

  11. "I would have to live in movie theaters and bars- places where it's supposed to be dark. I would be drunk on booze and bloated on popcorn all the time. I would stumble home and cook Swanson TV dinners and pass out in bed while they were still in the oven, the fried chicken and pasty mashed potatoes becoming cinders while I slept, the peas little black cannonballs and when they all burst into flames and my house caught fire, I would dream that the sun was finally shining, that light and warmth were returning"

    THat is written so awesomly poetic and ..just really really good..i know i know one dont ask a lady such things..but please can you write a story out of this?? this is the end of the story...i can taste it..its there deep in the back of your head...just make it come out..pleaseeeeeeeee

  12. Hey mamacita, I'll call you in a bit. This one was especially good.

    Sorry about your feet.

  13. I loved too the line about the green one and the whole bit about how you would be with no sun, loved that ramble, the images, the tv dinner, the cannonball peas, the house ablaze, oh my gosh, you can write woman.

    i also agree about the column.

  14. Yes, I love your funny bad crazy days, as opposed to just the desperate ones. That house burning down tv dinner for sunshine riff is perfect. I could feel myself smiling inside as it built. Definitely save that paragraph somewhere.

    You know, if you wrote to a paper you liked and pitched a column, chances are they'd probably give you one...

  15. you are pure genius sometimes.

  16. I love your LARGE font. My tahred old eyes thank you, dear friend.

    And the Reba damn Wannabees don't stand a fuck-all chance with Mr. Moon. His heart belongs to you, I assure you.

    The cold gloomy weather is INCREDIBLY AWFUL, and a bar is the best place to be, indeed.

    Got a call from the Moms (very dopey still from the procedure). She assures me she is just fine. I stopped and picked her up a bunch of cheerful orangeish-yellow roses and a bottle of Malbec (for moi!). She said to thank you for your concern.

    We love you!

  17. And you're hilarious too!

  18. Lois-It probably already is your number one rule. You just didn't know it.

    SJ- Maybe it's the stars.

    Angella- Thanks, honey. I do have too much of an imagination and I know it. I've always been this way. I bet you have too!
    I'm about to go pick beans and that will be nice. The sun is creeping out and it is not so heavy inside or out.

    Stephanie- Truth to tell, sometimes my best writing comes when I don't even feel like I can do it. Weird.

    Danielle- You may not be able to ask a lady such things but who said I was a lady? Ha!
    I will think about it. You're sweet.

    DTG- You're the BEST SON ever. I love you so much.

    Bethany- This IS my column. Love you, dear.

    Jo- But then I'd have an editor. Which I admit, I could use.

    deb- We all are. Sometimes.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- The large font was not due to my efforts. It was what blogspot wanted me to have today. But it is nice on the eyes, isn't it?
    I am SO glad your mama's okay.
    Enjoy your evening.
    I love you guys, too. I really do.

    Robyn- Sometimes I surprise myself.

  19. "I bought a green one too."
    That was perfect timing! Made me laugh out loud.

    I have to say you're right about the cold and darkness making people go crazy. I go crazy all the time. I end up comfort eating and comfort drinking and it's not pretty. And I don't even live in Scandinavia or something. Just plain old Belgium. Still, it makes me watch too much TV and

    sorry gotta go girl crying on the stairs (ah the holidays are long :-) )

  20. I'm with Mwa. "I bought a green one too." Made me laugh out loud.

    Your photo at the top is a perfect way of explaining those days with no words at all.

    But I love the words.

  21. It's hard to find things from the good ole USA anymore. I wish that we would make things here and people would make a decent wage. All that may change even more in the future....who knows?
    A week away from the Mister. What fun will you and Owen have? I can only imagine.

  22. Ok, I'm not laughing at your pain, but this was fucking hilarious! You are so on it today!

    The orphans, while sad is also darkly cheeky. The whole don't worry the momma and the Reba wannabees.

    I'm sorry your day was bad, really I am. I have to say though, you channeled that shit with style baby!


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