Mr. Moon is washing the dishes. He claims he is all the dishwasher I need.
God love him. I sure do.
I was so anxious tonight that when I came home from town I took an entire Ativan. Just the tiny one. And I have to say that it really did help. I made the supper and I hope I can sleep tomorrow.
I really wish I knew why going to the doctor causes me so damn much anxiety. It always has. It may have something do with flu shots- it took three people to hold me down to give me one when I was about seven. Things did not improve after that. I'm not afraid of being stuck, I'm not afraid of being prodded. I think I am just afraid of being told that I have a terminal illness. And I'm not afraid of dying, either. It's just somehow the thought of being ill...
I don't know. But when I tell you how much courage it takes for me to go get a check-up believe me.
And then they'll want me to get the tests. THE TESTS. The colonoscopy. The mammogram. The bone density test. The bloodwork. All of the damn tests which yes, save lives. Sometimes.
Meanwhile, the things that actually do bother and hurt me- well, they can never find a reason for those things so I'm crazy, I guess, on top of just being neurotic and insane.
Well. By this time tomorrow, it will all be over. Except of course for...THE TESTS.
And I'm doing all of this because I need to either get a new antidepressant or start taking the full dose of the one I've been on for several years. I started taking half because...it made me so anxious to go back and be seen so that they would renew it that I tried to string out that time before I had to go back. It sort of worked. For awhile.
No. I have never claimed to be brilliant.
And let's not talk about the money this all costs. We only have catastrophic insurance. So. Well. Merry Christmas.
I had a good time in town today with my Jessie Girl. We had lunch and bought yarn and took Dad out to the airport to collect his car from the rental place. And we went to Costco and Publix. I took a good walk this morning.
It is going to get cold.
I'm going to go take a bath and read for awhile, then get in my bed and try to sleep.
So go ahead- tell me what a foolish person I am being. How immature. How irresponsible. Etc. Etc. It's okay. I agree with you.
Thank god I had that Ativan. That's all I have to say.