Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Mr. Moon is washing the dishes. He claims he is all the dishwasher I need.
Well. Maybe.
God love him. I sure do.

I was so anxious tonight that when I came home from town I took an entire Ativan. Just the tiny one. And I have to say that it really did help. I made the supper and I hope I can sleep tomorrow.

I really wish I knew why going to the doctor causes me so damn much anxiety. It always has. It may have something do with flu shots- it took three people to hold me down to give me one when I was about seven. Things did not improve after that. I'm not afraid of being stuck, I'm not afraid of being prodded. I think I am just afraid of being told that I have a terminal illness. And I'm not afraid of dying, either. It's just somehow the thought of being ill...

I don't know. But when I tell you how much courage it takes for me to go get a check-up believe me.
And then they'll want me to get the tests. THE TESTS. The colonoscopy. The mammogram. The bone density test. The bloodwork. All of the damn tests which yes, save lives. Sometimes.

Meanwhile, the things that actually do bother and hurt me- well, they can never find a reason for those things so I'm crazy, I guess, on top of just being neurotic and insane.

Well. By this time tomorrow, it will all be over. Except of course for...THE TESTS.

And I'm doing all of this because I need to either get a new antidepressant or start taking the full dose of the one I've been on for several years. I started taking half made me so anxious to go back and be seen so that they would renew it that I tried to string out that time before I had to go back. It sort of worked. For awhile.
No. I have never claimed to be brilliant.

And let's not talk about the money this all costs. We only have catastrophic insurance. So. Well. Merry Christmas.

I had a good time in town today with my Jessie Girl. We had lunch and bought yarn and took Dad out to the airport to collect his car from the rental place. And we went to Costco and Publix. I took a good walk this morning.
It is going to get cold.

I'm going to go take a bath and read for awhile, then get in my bed and try to sleep.

So go ahead- tell me what a foolish person I am being. How immature. How irresponsible. Etc. Etc. It's okay. I agree with you.

Thank god I had that Ativan. That's all I have to say.


  1. Aren't those old self-judgments a pain in the ass?!

    Here's a book that might help you through ... It sure turned on a lot of lights for me ...

    One day at a time ...


  2. When do you go tomorrow? I will be thinking of you. I am thinking of going back too.

  3. The doctor...good god I hate that place! I work in dentistry...the dentist never bothered me, but let me have to go to a MD and I'm a wreck. If I need that damn physical, my blood pressure shoots up, I sweat bullets, I tremble and my knees knock. I've actually teared up during the exam...I feel so violated. A can't believe how upset I get. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

    I'll think of you tomorrow and hopefully going will bring about the results you're looking for.

  4. I am so sorry for your anxiety, it's just the worst. Medical stuff feels like it's never over, never done. Like you said, there's the appointment, then the tests, then waiting on the results, then you get the bill, and by the time you pay it off it's time to go back again. No wonder you don't want to go!

  5. It's interesting how scary the doctor is for so many of us. How it's the one thing we can avoid avoid avoid because we don't want to hear it if there is bad news to be delivered.
    I'm proud of you for going. I'll be thinking lots of positive thoughts for you tomorrow, and I hope you have sweet dreams tonight, Mama Moon.

  6. I've been waiting to go to the doctor (the regular one, not the annual PAP/mammogram) until I lose weight. It's been three years, and I still haven't lost any. In fact, I think I've gained.

    So, I'm right there with you. Except that in addition to being foolish, immature and irresponsible, I'm also fat.

  7. Oh, Elizabeth. I think that's pretty much the story of me and my life, not just the doctor.

    Mary - I dunno - most of us are like this, I suppose, except the responsible ones.

    I suspect this is something you have to get over. Just ... do it. You know? Make the appointment, don't leave yourself too much freaking out time, just do it.

    The fac that you halved your dose because you were scared to go get your prescription renewed is quite alarming alright. Some hypnotherapy maybe? Do something to addres the fear!

    Jo - so good at giving advice she doesn't take herself*

  8. How about human? That works for me. It's easy to judge afterwards - yourself included.

    The bath, book, bed thing sounds perfect. I just read Stephen Fry's second autobiography, and that's how he describes being tired at one point: being ready for bath, bed and book. I loved that.

    Good luck at the doctor's! I hope it's as good as my dentist's appointment was. Now say to yourself "The fear is worse than the appointment."

  9. I won't participate in beating up on you as you are doing enough of that to yourself. Be gentle with yourself, dear Ms. Moon.

    Perfection isn't what we as humans are capable of--I was relieved to discover that. I kept trying for years to be perfect and it just doesn't work. I am glad that I no longer beat myself up too badly.

    Hope that today is good and anxiety free. It is chilly here and invigorating!

  10. Jaliya- I need to check that out. Thanks, hon.

    SJ- My appointment is for 8:30. I'm ready to leave.

    Mel's Way- For some reason, this brought me great comfort. I am not alone. Okay. Thank you so much.

    Lora- The CALL BACKS! Then the news: You have senior tissue. Duh. It's all just nerve-wracking.

    notjustafemme- I slept very well. Thank you so much.

    Elizabeth- Yes. The getting on of the scale. DAMMIT!

    Jo- When was your last doctor appointment?

    Syd- Thank-you. You always have a good reminder. No, I am far from perfect and that is really okay. It's chilly here too! Enjoy your day.

  11. You are anything BUT foolish. The docs are a pain in the ass.

  12. Oh believe me, fear of pain/illness is much worse than fear of death. At least for me. And I already have pain/illness so that's probably silly, but I hate it and I fear more of the same or a worsening of what is. I hate doctors and tests, too. Had enough for many lifetimes. Put them off when I can. Hoping my bloodwork doesn't lead to more tests. And so it goes... all this to say that I completely understand and sympathize and I'm glad you had an ativan and you are in no way foolish or immature, just human.

  13. Oh Ms. Moon, I know about THE TESTS. I have yet to schedule mine. And the more time passes, the more I think well, now its just too far gone, why bother. But of course, that is not brilliant. I think it becomes harder to step into the doctors office when we have friends who are going through difficult illnesses. We wonder sometimes if we even want to know that we too might be faced with the same. At least, that is how it has been for me. Maybe also for you. But you know, we have to take care of ourselves for those who love us, and whom we love. I need to follow your example and go find a doctor. Soon.

  14. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- No. I am foolish. Take my word, sweetie.

    Leslie- See above. It would seem that many of us share these feelings. I wonder why?

    Angella- Yes. Yes. And yes, yes, yes.

  15. I've avoided going to the doctor far too long. I need to go! But, I too, am anxious of what they might find. Hope everything is well with you.

  16. Doctors suck and their tests suck and them telling you what you need, but disregarding the questions they can't answer is so their game. I say give em hell. It's a damn racket...

  17. Quietgirl- It's so nice to hear from you. I miss you terribly. Also your dear cousin. Shoot me an e-mail if you want and let me know how you are.


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