Thursday, November 18, 2010


I am tired. I am just so fucking tired. Anxiety will wear your ass out. It will strip you down and leave you cold and empty.

Yeah, yeah. Everything went fine. They renewed my antidepressant. Does it help if you cry? I guess so.

Time with Owen was good. I held him to me and he patted my back after I changed his diaper. "There, there," he seemed to say. "There, there, Grandmother."

He fell asleep in my arms and before I put him on the bed, I kissed his bow-tie lips so softly.
What a wonder he is to me. What a surprise that I never could have dreamed.

It's too late for a nap, too early to go to bed. My espresso didn't even touch this tiredness. Didn't even call its name.

Well. Laundry. There's always laundry. Dead flowers to throw out. Pine cone lilies to replace them with. There's that.

And then something for dinner. Something. I don't even care what. I'm fat. But my blood pressure's good.

Well, tomorrow's another day. Thank god.


  1. I'm glad that you are back. Hopefully, early to bed tonight?? I say that every night and then end up staying up to midnight.

  2. Hey, if all that anxiety isn't tweaking your blood pressure, you're ahead of the game! Sleep well tonight.

  3. bow tie lips...
    so lovely.

    glad you did this .

  4. I love you Mary Moon. I think you are a super star. Go easy. Be nice to you.

  5. Excellent. I hope all of those things were their magic for you.

  6. "patted my back"

    Reminds me of Joey. He knows the workings of my intestines better than me. Every time I go to the bathroom to make stinky potty, he will come in and pat my back and say "It's okay mommy. You can do it mommy". I usually lock the door but sometimes......I forget.

  7. Syd- EARLY! I am not even kidding you.

    A- That's what I say.

    deb- But now the testing begins...

    Bethany- I am going to. Selfish as it is, I am going to.

    Lisa- Amazingly, there was magic. Not at the doctor's office, but afterwards.

    Rebecca- What a thoughtful little man!

  8. You made it through the day: you're a trooper. Sweet dreams, beautiful Ms. Moon...

  9. Oh *yes* it helps to cry ... especially if you're like me and when you are in serious depression, you don't give a shit. That's the worst way a person can feel ... Not giving a shit, knowing that you don't give a shit, and not caring that you don't give a shit.

    Well thank the gods because I've got myself laughing here ... and sure enough, tears aren't far behind. I'm learning to let it all just flow through me and out of me, because I believe that our capacity to feel, bond and relate is what saves us ... You keep your Owen close and those little altars everywhere and you'll come through.

    Your altar -- exquisite ... Beautiful protection for your good soul xo

  10. I'm happy you got your happy pills and that you have Owen to add sparkle and baby yum to your day..


  11. What exceptional thoughtfulness of Owen to pat your back...and just that simple act of giving you his little sweet support...what a boy. Hold on to that whenever you feel blue. An Owen love his Grandmaw.
    I hate when one goes to the Dr. and they want to weigh you. I have chosen to turn my head and not look. I am not going to ruin my day that way. Why do they need to do this..?

  12. Lulumarie- Yes. I made it. Barely.

    Jaliya- I wish, wish WISH I could just let things flow through me. Just let them come and let them go.
    I have altars everywhere. I think we all do, of one sort or another. I am thinking of you.

    Maggie May- Do I have a choice?

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- I do not want to buy new clothes. Seriously.

    Ellen- One time my friend, Lis, went to the doctor and when they told her to get on the scale she said, "No. We will not be doing that today."
    Doesn't that make you love her?

  13. Ms. Fleur- I'm not even looking for "happy." I'm just looking for "able to cope."

  14. Ms. Moon - you write it so perfectly. It makes me feel for you, and makes me recognise that exact feeling. You are a marvel.


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