Last night, for no discernible reason, a curtain of sadness descended over me and I just went to bed. I read for several hours and slept and woke up in the same mood. Just...eh. No explanation, no changes, no nothing, everything same-same but a deep melancholy had taken hold and everything today has made me at once deeply sad and also angry. Aging and slowing down, the realization that there are things I never will do before I die, the deaths of people I've loved whom I always thought I'd see again, the news, the contemplation of the willful ignorance of certain people, the stupid book I was listening to, the springing up of invasive plants, my inability to get motivated, to try new things...
On and on and on and on and yet, at the same time, nothing at all. These thoughts weren't causing my sadness or my anger, they were simply part of it; things floating by that my brain grabbed onto to feed on as it ruminated like a great, unhappy shark, hidden in the shadows of the deep sea.
I made the Sunday biscuits and they baked wonderfully in the new oven, the grits were perfect, completely unscorched on the extra-low burner. None of this cheered me. Mr. Moon wanted to go to town to a nursery to buy tomato plants and a few other things and asked me if I wanted to go and I just looked up from the crossword I was doing and shook my head.
I managed to go out to the garden and plant another row of arugula, hoping to get at least a little more time with fresh greens for salad. I still have plenty of beautiful chard and spinach, lettuces and kale, but the arugula is bolting and I can't bear the thought of not having it. No harm in trying to plant more. I dug up many patches of the damn fireweed coming up by the garden gate, wearing long yellow rubber gloves. I hate that shit with a passionate heat like the burning surface of the sun. I put all of the pulled-up plants in an old potting soil bag that will go to the dump.
And then because why not? I got out my pruners and worked in the front yard, trimming back the dead firespike, pulling random baby oak sproutlings, and then moving on to the sagos.
Meanwhile, red ants and sagos and fireweed and fancy roosters need to watch their step.