Thursday, May 3, 2012

I Have To

Paralyzed this morning.
Just simply paralyzed. I don't know how to move from house to car to road. I feel as if every chicken, every plant here is a magnet and my butt is iron.
I grasp at every reason not to leave.
I can't, I can't, I simply can't.
I can't take myself out into the world.

I have to wash the dogs. This thought alone is overpowering. The thought of packing?
Oh please.

I feel old, ugly, no good for anything but weeding and dealing with poop. This is why I can't go. This is why I HAVE to go.

I have a husband who wants to take me. I have a son who will come out and watch these animals. I have...
Craziness in my head.

Yesterday with my grandson was so good. He tells me what to do and I do it. His requests are so simple. He wants a sword pick to eat his veggie burger with. Done. He wants orange juice in a tiny glass and a spoon to mix it. Excellent. He wants me to grate nutmeg so he can smell it. Easy. He wants me to put a diaper on the stuffed monkey. Done. He wants me to find the soap, get bread to feed the chickens, let him see the baby chickens, play with him, tell him Mr. Peep, now get up and let's go play ball, water the plants, ride the horse.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is how crazy I am- I need a two-and-a-half-year-old to tell me what to do.

My husband, coincidentally just said, "Come play with me."

Okay. Okay. Okay.

"You gonna get ready pretty soon?" he says.

"Yes," I say.


Yesterday when Owen and I were in the chicken coop I said, "Remember that time when the door got stuck and we couldn't get out?"
"Trap," he said solemnly. Where did he learn about traps?

I gotta go. I'm trapped. But I don't have to be.

I'll report in later. It'll all be good. I know it. Sort of. Here I go.


  1. I hope you get de-trapped when the time is right for you to do so. Sending untrapping vibes your way.

  2. Get off that nest, mama bird. Get the hell outta dodge and shake some feathers. ;)

  3. That was funny, what Kate just said. Is this kind of the Flopsy syndrome ? Ok then, that definitely means you've been around those chickens too long.

    You can do it. You can do it. You'll be glad you did.

  4. writing it down helps. keep writing it down. and out. hugs.

  5. You would have loved David Sedaris last night. He talked about age and living forever and how much he hates dogs, and it was just amazing and hilarious. I wish you'd been there.

    I hope you go and I KNOW you'll have a good time.

    Git on out, now, woman.

  6. It just takes one foot in front of the other to get to the car. You will be okay then.

  7. You have such a gift for being a child - that's why you connect so brilliantly to Owen and his wants. I'm not sure where you're going, I've been out of touch, but I think you will LOVE being there. I've done the same thing, resist resist and then embrace.

    love d

  8. I think children are sent to us at the exact right moment in our lives, whether they are our own or someone else's. Sometimes we just need the gentlest nudging so that we remember to put a diaper on the monkey, run through a sprinkler, whatever...xoxo

  9. This is my attitude about starting to date.



  10. Reporting in from Moon Manor: mama is gone, but the chickens are here. Everything easy peasy.

  11. downtown guy -- you are such a good son. Thanx for the update. And Ms. Moon - I hope you have a splendid, relaxing time. Joanne

  12. Mobile huh? I can'r even imagine.

  13. Well, you know I'm a big fan of Xanex!

    Have a lovely trip.


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