Friday, August 24, 2012

Tell Me Again Why I Live Here?

So as I obsessively go to the Weather Underground's tropical weather website page, over and over and over again and then, oh, you know, check a few other weather websites to see what THEY have to say about Hurricane Isaac, I know I am not being logical in the least. 

I mean, the predictions at this point are useless. Sort of. It just doesn't help when almost all of the dozens of computer models show the storm heading towards the Florida panhandle BUT, I have seen this before and then the storm goes off in another direction entirely and it's the problem of someone else and I feel bad for them but am vastly relieved for us and I don't know if that's logical or not but it is human.

I think I have Hurricane PTSD. I'm not kidding you. If you've ever sat in the dark, trembling as the winds rip trees out of the ground all around your house and the rain threatens to fist its way through your roof and the walls moan and the doors and windows rattle and there ain't one damn thing you can do except to huddle in a hallway for hours and hours and hours- well, you know what I'm talking about. No, we don't get earthquakes here and we don't have volcanic eruptions and we don't get blizzards but beyond that, it's pretty much guaranteed that at some point we'll be experiencing some sort of horrible, crazy, scary weather. Tornadoes, tropical storms, hurricanes, drought, floods, whatever. We'll get it. 

I'm not sure why I even live here. The biggest, blackest mosquito I have ever seen tried to bite me about an hour ago. It landed on me and I was so stunned by its size that I couldn't even slap it. I waited to see if it really WAS a mosquito and sure as hell, it stuck its stinger/sucker in me and started to pump my blood out and then yes, I slapped the living shit out of it. That thing could have bled me dry. Mosquitos, yellow flies, wasps, hornets, fire ants, horse flies, no-see-ums, gnats- we get all of them. Let's not forget the two types of moccasins, three types of rattlers and the coral snake which all live here. I will say that of the fifty types of snakes found in Florida, only six of them are venomous and a threat to humans. Which, I suppose, are great odds.
We also have the alligators which I am not terribly afraid of and the black bears which I am also not afraid of but I will say that one time I did see an alligator on my walk and it freaked me the fuck out and if I ever see a bear (I have only seen tracks, so far) on my walk, I will pee my pants and that's no lie and then I'll run like hell. Screaming will probably be involved. 

Oh well. I'm just anxiety-tripping today. Mr. Moon is supposed to be heading down to Franklin County next week with his friend from Canada to hunt alligators and the idea of him being down there without a reliable source of weather information (they're staying in a house in TATE'S HELL which really is a place, uh-huh, not kidding) makes me feel extremely uneasy. And again- logic has nothing to do with this. Nothing. Nothing at all. 
Logic doesn't have anything to do with any sort of mental illness. Which, I suppose, would explain Rush Limbaugh who is claiming that this whole hurricane thing is nothing more than Obama trying to distract the country from the incredible story about Joe Biden's racism which he displayed by saying that banking de-regulation is "going to put y'all back in chains!" 
So I guess that I have more in common than Rush Limbaugh than I'd like to think- we're both insane. 
At least I know it.

And at least it's Friday and I have a martini to look forward to tonight. And not a moment too soon. And quite frankly, it's freaking beautiful here today, even if the mosquitoes could be employed by the blood bank, and cooler and less humid too. So I need to shut up and get errands run and maybe collect a few extra batteries and jugs of water and just face the fact that I live in Florida, have lived in Florida most of my entire life and that yes, it can be hell on earth but it can be paradise, too, and that I am not logical and I never will be and there you go.

Happy Friday, y'all. 

Love...Ms. Moon, Church Of The Batshit Crazy


  1. You live there because you don't do winters. You complain about the cold when it gets down in the '40s.
    Just saying...

  2. Wow you get all the fun down there.
    I saw a bear the other day on a walk in the woods and I decided to...dum de dum...go the other way.
    And jesus, all that and Giant Mosquitoes too?

    Stay safe.

  3. If you see a bear, raise your arms up and look TALL. Those are the instructions in Yosemite -- as you know, I'm not exactly and expert when it comes to nature.

    And, by the way, I think the sentence "Why the hell do I live here?" might be extrapolated to include the entire planet, life itself, etc. etc.


  4. Don't worry MM - tomorrow, you'll love it again :)

  5. I'll take earthquakes over tornadoes, hurricanes and/or blizzards any day of the week, thank you very much. I'm good right here in California. Even if it has been 110 all month.

    Elizabeth is right.

  6. I love this whole post, especially mosquitos being employed by the blood bank. You have such a way with words. It's wonderful. S. Jo

  7. I was thinking of you there on the panhandle while our weatherman was showing the latest predicted path. He said we'll continue to update you all week on this, as the model changes daily. I hope it peters out, I hope it misses you, I hope you don't lose any of your magnificent trees, or have to huddle in the dark. My only hurricane experience was Charlie, in Orlando, it was some scary shit.
    I'm absolutely freaked out about West Nile right now, we had our 2nd death in the county yesterday and apparently all mosquito strain that is most likely to carry it is the drought tolerant variety that's still around. I carry fear around me like pig pen's cloud. The snakes scare the bejeezers out of me too, and I'm about to travel back to the land of the black widows, they really, really freak me out.

    I wish there was a switch for fear. I'd duct tape that thing off.
    Don't worry about your Mr. because alligators don't stand a chance against him. You're just going to have to figure out how to cook and store all the meat he brings you back from the hunt.

    I'll be thinking of you, your partner in fear. I think you live there because it's where your heart and your family are, and besides all the scary shit, you get some amazing beautiful stuff that we Northerners can only dream of.

  8. despite growing up in jamaica i have never been in a hurricane. for 18 years they swerved away from the island and then as soon as i moved away to nyc, they started hitting, four or five since i left, so that my family is now intimate with them, and even my children lived through one in st, lucia with their grandma one summer, but me? nada. the descriptions from those who've experienced it are terrifying. and btw, my husband, despite growing up in antigua, has never experienced one either. isaac just left antigua yesterday. in the hurricane dept, we are charmed.

    i think you live there for the trees and the blue skies and the water. those trees are cathedrals.

  9. U thought of you when I read this.

    S. Jo

  10. BTW, I definitely am feeling your pain - at least, somewhat. Mosquitos are everywhere here too...confusing until you learn that DC was built on swampland. True story. I'll share my CVS anti-itch cream with you.

  11. I'd be triple batshit crazy if I had all that weather and those animals to contend with.
    I got the critter jitters now. Make mine a double.

  12. Dunno what's scarier, the storms, monstersquitoes or Republicans.

    You would so be too cold here, though :)

    omg, wv is kicking my ass today.

    No, it's broken?

  13. No it's demanding numbers now.

  14. Earthquakes and tornadoes scare the shit out of me. Mostly because they are so random and you never know where or when they are going to hit. I've lived in places where you get hurricanes for a good chunk of my life and they scare me too, don't get me wrong...their only redeeming social feature is that you know they are coming (thank you, weather forecasters and satellites) and have time to batten down the hatches. Never was one for surprises.

  15. I'm watching Isaac too, that sumbitch.

    And I am SO OVER cockroaches. Why do *I* live here??

  16. Lucy- You are so right about that. But there's Hawaii. Right?

    Deirdre- I could NOT live where you live. I would absolutely die of the cold. You make me feel like a whiny little wimp.

    Elizabeth- I don't think our bears care how big you are. Ha! As to the second part of your comment- EXACTLY!!!!!!

    SJ- It's the same afternoon and I'm already liking it a lot more.

    Stephanie- It's so odd that down here it's been cooler and wetter than in forever this summer and the whole rest of the country is drying up and dying of the heat. Crazy.

    S. Jo- I swear. I have NEVER seen a mosquito that big in my whole life.

    Mel- Pass the duct tape, sister! Thanks for the thoughtful, caring comment. I mean it!

    Angella- Those trees ARE my cathedrals. You are exactly right about that. No matter how many times a day I see them, my heart leaps up when I look into their branches.
    And as to the hurricanes- uh- could you come live next door to me please?

    S Jo- Read it! Awesome article. Completely.

    SJ- Yep. I think I remember that swamp thing from history class. I have plenty of anti-itch cream of my own! Thanks, baby.

    Denise- It's a jungle out here baby.

    Jo- Yeah, it's wanting the numbers. Damn it. The Republicans are scariest in my opinion.

    Mama D- Yeah. I'm with you on the surprise factor. Absolutely.

    NOLA- Because it's your dream!!!!!

  17. I always wonder what the European colonials thought when they got off the boat in the New World and were immediately besieged by stinging, biting, sucking insects and poisonous reptiles. It's amazing Ponce De Leon didn't turn right around and go back to Spain. He was quite optimistic to call the state Florida, and not Pestilentia, don't you think?

    (I can say this 'cuz I'm a Floridian. :) )

  18. Read whole post but, I have Tornado PTSD. (Tuscaloosa Alabama) so i relate. Just be safe i am thinking of you and yours. I have weather radios in two rooms and one that can go any where. I got my map on you. LOVE the spidy pics :)

  19. Rush is a different lethal kind of crazy. You are thinking proactively. He is thinking backwardly.


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