Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Can I Be Premenstrual When I'm So Post Menopausal?

It's not even eleven o'clock in the morning and I've already cried several times.

It's just one of those days. One of those days where if I was still a bleedin' woman, I'd know I was about to start my period, tears just another part of the body's way to shed it all- the blood, the nest, the emotions.

Plus, I want to eat a pizza.

It all started last night when I talked to my sister-in-law on the phone. This is the sister-in-law who was an All American Redhead. If you've never seen the video of the All American Redheads, just stop whatever you're doing and go here and watch it. First girl in the video is Brenda.

Anyway, Brenda and I were talking and I was telling her how much my kids' relationships with each other remind me of her relationships with her siblings and I started crying then. For some reason, I always get so emotional when I talk to Brenda. She probably thinks I'm a big old drunk even though I was stone cold sober last night (I have been an exceptionally sober Ms. Moon lately, at least on week-nights although not on weekends, maybe, and don't you judge me) and honestly, it's just that from the very beginning when I met Mr. Moon and then his family, I realized for the first time that it is indeed possible for a family not only to love each other but to enjoy each other's company and now Brenda and Mr. Moon are the only two of that immediate family left and it just makes me cry.
Plus, I admire her so much. She's one of the most amazing women I've ever met and yet, she's so quiet about it. She's so pragmatic.

Well, okay, so I cried then and this morning I got up and I DID NOT WANT TO WALK WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. In fact, every fiber of my being was screaming, NO, NO, NO! but I did not listen to it but decided to overcome the fibers of my being with my oh-so-awe-inspiringly-powerful-mind-and-force-of-will and by the time I'd gotten halfway down Main Street my left buttock was screaming at me and still, I thought I could overcome it and by the time I'd gone a mile or so, I realized that there was pain and then there was PAIN and this was PAIN and either I've got some sort of horrible butt or bone cancer or else (most likely) a pinched nerve or something so I limped home feeling wrung out and miserable and the humidity is at least 100% today and it's hot which made me feel all weepy again but I didn't actually cry until Jessie called and told me about a lady who'd had a 28-week baby at her hospital last night and it was her third child to be born very preterm and the woman has six kids and she's 25 years old and there was more but you get the picture.
The baby is still alive but I can't imagine the challenges that mother faces and I can't imagine how those children of hers are ever going to have any shot at a good life.
So then I cried and after that I talked to Mr. Moon on the phone and cried again and then I talked to Lily and cried AGAIN and oh, y'all, I'm just a mess.

I'm okay. I know I am. I should do some yoga and see if I can gently unkink whatever is going on or at least stretch my muscles out and calm my soul a little bit.

And then use whatever is left of my oh-so-awe-inspiringly-powerful-mind-and-force-of-will not to eat that frozen pizza, even though every fiber of my being is now telling me that what I need to do is to eat the pizza (after I cook it, of course) and then sit on my front porch in a nightgown and drink straight vodka from a mason jar and scream at passers-by and sob.

And maybe make some brownies.

And then eat them.

Now THAT sounds like a plan, doesn't it?

Not necessarily a good plan, but a plan nonetheless.

I'll let you know how it goes.


  1. You could phone me and cry if you want.

  2. Your vodka-and-pizza plan sounds really good to me.

  3. Just the thought of you sitting on your porch drinking vodka from a mason jar and sobbing says it all. Maybe a cool shower, a muscle relaxant and bed where you watch a sad movie so you can cry some more of it out and dream about your grandsons. I think someone should bring you pizza and brownies cause your butt is too sore to stand and bake/heat up. S Jo

  4. I think that is part of being post-menopausal - it is itself still a "state" - of up and down and in and out.
    Some of us get it in this roller coaster thing and some just slide smooth and straight.
    This too shall pass --- I'll be hopin' it passes soon. But in the meantime - eat pizza !!!! and enjoy it :)

  5. Fuck it, I'd go with porch pizza and vodka and screaming and sobbing. I feel a little like this at the moment, but more blackly despairing than screaming, though I did totally curse at a nice if irritating woman I work with who said the wrong joking thing too early in the morning yesterday :/

    Also, I have sciatica in my hip and my knee is all weird because of whatever's out of place and I wish I could go to the osteopath but I can't because I have no money to eat. And other stuff.

    Bah. I can't join you on your porch though, because of the SPIDERS.

  6. Whenever I take those weird ass pills like muscle relaxers and the benzo family, I end up like this for the next day or two. Just me.

    I was thinking pizza yesterday but it was too hot to go to the store. Always the voice of optimism here. Seriously, I hope you feel better real soon Mary.

  7. First you made me almost cry with you, then you made me laugh out loud. Oh, we could sit on that porch and talk and laugh, I'd know just how you feel and I wouldn't judge one bit.

    I've got a blog post stuck in my throat that I just won't write about menopausal/post hysterectomy me, it's just so much worse than I expected, I actually thought things couldn't get any worse, mood swing and hot sweat wise, plus I got the daily mystery aches and pains like you too, I try not to freak out about them about ten times a day. I'll be talking to the dr. about something, maybe a lobotomy, I'm about ready to crack.

    I'm beyond envious of your family, the bonds and the love you share. I'm smack dab in the middle of the teens who hate me and take me for granted pity party, and I'm feeling a lot screwed up right now. Think I should start digging in the cabinet for a mason jar. I got lots of vokda. And a box of that ridiculous Giradelli brownie mix. It's good to have a plan.

    Speaking of crying, I finally read The Poisonwood Bible, you told me I wouldn't regret it, and you were right. I cried a bunch reading that book, it really touched me. It's messing with my mind set a little lately too, all this conspicuous consumption and greed in my world. Also, every book I start to read now seems like trifle in comparison. But thanks for urging me to, it was wonderful. And my family could be so much more effed up than it is, right?

    Waiting anxiously for your update on how the plan panned out.


  8. I think there's definitely a place for emotional eating and drinking. In fact, I'd like to join you.

  9. Yes, yes Mary. You're speaking a universal language. I personally believe in Wine Therapy. And I'm finally old enough to skip the gym on mornings when my body says no. Why did it take me 60 years to figure that out?

  10. You are reminding me of the movie "Men Don't Leave" with Jessica Lang. She goes into a depressed state and tosses those muffins out the window and it made her feel so good she laughed (I think) It was one of Sue's favorite references. "I'm going to toss my muffins today". sigh.

    Hope you stop leaking soon. Some days are just like that. Eat the damn pizza!! Go with the fibers, they are highly underestimated in my humble opinion.
    Much love,

  11. PS I loved the part of that movie where her hot younger musician love interest takes her to a place where everyone is older and fatter than she. Turns out he was a musician that played for a group of older folks who square danced once a week or something. She had a great time dancing and being the hottest, thinnest babe in the joint! You gotta love a man like that! Yours is pretty dang good too. :-)

  12. Hell, I think I need you to teach me to cry. I don't. I can't. I won't.

    But I'll join you with the pizza and brownies if I can have a mason jar of tequila.

  13. Some days are just made for vodka, pizza and brownies. And crying. I'm not much of a vodka drinker myself, but there are some days when wine is absolutely required. Hoping that you find yourself in a happier place after all the tears escape!

  14. I hope that your butt cramp feels better. I did yoga this morning. I am more flexible but my back is still not the best.

  15. Deirdre- You're so sweet. I would never stop if I started. I swear.

    Sara- Actually, it's far more of a fantasy than a plan.

    S Jo- I have no muscle relaxers, more's the pity. Thanks, though, for the good suggestions.

    liv- Hormones and their lack never stop doing their insane dance with us, do they?

    Jo- Oh honey. After a few sips of vodka, the spiders would not bother you. Are we all insane now? Maybe.

    Rubye Jack- I am on nothing but Ibuprofen. Nothing.
    I can't blame this on side-effects.

    Mel- It's sort of a hormonally induced nightmare, isn't it? Or lack-of. I don't know. As for your kids- listen- Lily hated me with such a passion when she was a teen. Or at least, if she didn't hate me, she definitely wanted me out of her life. And now- oh, we have so much love between us and fun together and she knows how very proud I am of her and it all works out. It does. Just keep loving them and they will end up loving you and each other. I promise.
    I'm glad you read The Poisonwood Bible. It's one hell of a book, isn't it? You'll find another great one soon. I know you will.

    Elizabeth- I would like that very much.

    Kathleen Scott- Well, I am learning.

    Ms. Fleur- I know that movie very well. It was the polka.

    Jeannie- Pick your poison. Whatever, baby.

    MamaD- I'm not drinking and I'm not crying but it's all pretty weird.

    Syd- It's not a cramp. It's just a pain. Just a deep old pain.

  16. I am all for you eating *half* the frozen pizza, drinking vodka out of a mason jar and screaming at passers-by! If you need to cry do that too. Better out than in. And take a nap.

  17. Oh you sweet thing. You've been working so hard and have had so much going on. I will join you for the screaming and pizza and vodka on the porch, and brownies after. It's just what I need.
    Hang in there. You're soul is just raw right now.

  18. Oh god, I had vodka, then I fell asleep when getting my son to bed and woke up at 10 40 with loads to do and my teeth all sore from grinding with no mouthguard. I left the front door wide open all night too. :(

  19. Ms Moon, I love you. I would write more but I'm on an icky handheld and the $$$ are racking up like crazy for overseas roarming charges but I am here reading, loving and want to let you know.


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