Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Gift Of Tears

All of a sudden it's chilly and it's gray and my spirits have plummeted and if the black dog isn't smothering me, the black pup is nipping at my heels and thus, it is always so this time of year.

I have been feeling all morning, after a night of snippets and fragments of anxiety dreams of every sort and too-strange reality, that if I could just cry, let the heat in my eyes out in tears, it would be better, I would be better.

I took the  trash, I stopped at the post office. "Gus and Me" had arrived. I brought it home, I opened it up. I read the first page.

I read it out loud to myself and the walls of my kitchen, my voice breaking with my sore heart rising in my throat with the sweetness of the words, the whimsy and love in the pictures which Keith's daughter, Theodora, drew. 

The whole little book, the story of a little boy and his grandfather who took him on walks and who gave him his first guitar. And the tears came. 

Then there was this.

"Keith later began playing with a group of friends, including Mick Jagger...they still make music together today."

I needed to cry. I was given the gift of tears. Sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need. 
Sometimes, you get both.

Sometimes that means weeping, as strange as that may be.


  1. I never get it why some people love this time of year, I am happy for them. I just can't stand it and my Mom was the same way, maybe it is hereditary or the equinox, who knows. Hope you feel better. Gail

  2. the shortening days. it's tolerable until the equinox but then the nights become longer than the days and that is intolerable.

  3. Yep. The shortening days. I would be feeling it too if I weren't hanging out with friends in Hawaii. I hate early dark, candy corn, cheesy halloween costumes, gory displays, horror movies, and the dark, the dark, the dark. Sending you sunny well wishes. xo

  4. My body aches more these days, however, I do love Fall. Possibly because it's my birthday season (November baby).
    Glad your book arrived.

  5. I hate that you have to deal with this. Feeling things so deeply can be a blessing or a curse.

    The picture Keith Richards picture with his grandbaby brought tears to my own eyes.

  6. Of course it was your spirit animal who came through. As for fall -- fuck it.

  7. Crying can be the most cleansing thing. You and Keith are definitely connected. The changing of seasons is always hard. Sending love.

  8. I don't hate fall. It can be very pretty, and the relief from the heat is very welcome. But it does make me very melancholy, and I really don't know why. The deep depression doesn't start until the middle of January and can last through March.

  9. I had myself a good crying jag recently, and, though I never really figured out what set me off in the first place, I reasoned that it could be about any number of things. When I was finished (and before looking in the mirror at my blotchy, freckled, swollen, old ladyish face), I decided it was the exact 'cleanse' I needed. I hope yours was, too.

  10. I do not remember the last time I cried. I think it was when we put Ernie and Ruby down, about three years ago. But it certainly can be a wonderful release!

  11. Gail- I love the cooler temperatures and the so-often very, very blue sky. But as the light changes, as the days shorten, it just pulls me down. Same with you, I imagine.

    Ellen Abbott- I agree. Throw in the cluster-fuck which is "the holidays" and it's a wonder we don't all jump off a bridge.

    Denise- Halloween doesn't particularly bother me but I certainly don't participate except to hand out candy if any child does knock on the door. Oh, I do like to carve a pumpkin.
    I love thinking of you in Hawaii so much. I swear. It lights up a corner of my heart.

    Crystal Chick- What is it with the damn body aches?

    ditchingthedog- Isn't it a beautiful picture?

    Elizabeth- I thought the same thing. About my animal spirit. Fall is what it is. It can't help it and in some ways, it is so beautiful. Still..meh.

    Angella- Sending love back to YOU!

    Lisa- Melancholy. Yes. That is the exact word. And I hear you on the depression.

    catrina- Well, I did not give into it fully but even the small number of tears I shed felt like relief.

    Steve Reed- How can that BE? You don't cry? Golly. i don't know whether to congratulate you or give you my sympathy!

  12. I so like the photo of Keith and Otto. And I am loving fall. But the shortened days make me want to stay inside at night and go to bed earlier.


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