Monday, September 29, 2014

Feeling All Nowhere, Man

Drizzle and gray, again. Today.
The old familiar cat-gut tune growls in my head: You are wasting your life. You are wasting your life. You are wasting your life...

One thing these dreams have done for me is to make me want desperately to rid myself of stuff. In my dreams I am always constantly searching for huge black garbage bags to fill with the detritus which fills the dreamscape houses I find myself so rudely occupying. I am being forced to cook for people and I open ovens to find trays and trays of left-over pizza, even a cleverly hidden tray filled with drugs and apparatus, those neatly arranged. I must throw them away, throw them away, but even as I pull one tray of whatever from the oven, more appear.
It is a Fantasia of Filth.

So. Today I've gone through closets and culled a bit. A bit. Not nearly enough. I told Lily the other day that all of my clothes either don't fit me or are worn out.
There is some truth to this.

But. What do you do with, oh, say, pictures painted by a dead uncle whom you hardly knew which you do not really care for but which none of his own children want? Do you give them to the Goodwill? Do you just keep them stacked by a wall until the time comes when you or your children are forced to get rid of them? My god, people. The stuff in our lives! I know. I've spoken of this so often before. And in 99% of the cases, it is not the stuff itself you cling to but the emotional attachment we so falsely attribute to it all. If it all disappeared tonight, we would never even notice.

This is why I really have no desire to shop any more. Whatever I may find that I briefly think I want, I remember what I already have and am crushed by the need for less. Yesterday I piled up junk I'd gathered for Mr. Moon to take to the dump. An ugly office chair, the frames of two other chairs which had lost all of their wooden parts long ago. The boys' box house. A rusted, busted dog crate. You can't see any difference. None at all.

I feel paralyzed by all of it, by everything. I need to call Verizon. I need to call the dentist to get that damn implant situation set up. It's stopped raining enough for me to take a walk and then I'll get in the garden and plant stuff.
That's a plan.
Almost like having a life.

Happy Monday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I've wasted my whole life too. At least it feels like that today. I purged too -- having a one bedroom and moving so often keeps me honest in that it keeps the clutter from piling up. At least, that's what I think until I start opening the drawers and finding shit I haven't worn since 2002. Ah, lah. As you say :)

    I wish I could dig around in the dirt with you. Better than staring at this damn screen today. Ugh.

  2. I take back my comment about so much colour. Some days are just gray and dreary.

    I have dreams where huge amounts of gum are in my mouth and as fast as I pull it out more appears. Have I mentioned this before? In my dream it hurts my jaw and I can't talk.

    Try getting rid of the paintings one at a time. See how you feel. Start with the one you like the least.

  3. My weird-house-dreams are always empty semi-furnished huge but small roomed and refugee-ish, I always come away with a sense of recognition that is hard to shake off, and a sense of disconnectedness which has no problem co-existing with the recognition part..funky weird ass dreams!

  4. Dave told me yesterday that I need to throw away one of my sweatshirts because the neck is worn out and stretched. I got to thinking about what constitutes a worn-out item. I mean, I can still WEAR the sweatshirt, and it still keeps me warm, but it probably does look like hell. So I suppose I need to cull too! (I should write a post about this...hmmm...)

  5. There's a 'tiny house' post going up one of these days. I love them! Living in one myself, hmmm... could I downsize that much? We actually do have a fairly small house compared to some. It's a bungalow. Oh, we've managed to acquire some stuff though. I sometimes watch the show 'Hoarders' and for awhile it would make me feel like getting up to clean. Lately, I look around and say that I need to put and entire season on a continuous loop to get the things done I keep putting off.

  6. Well, I'm not sure what you wanted to do with your life, but it doesn't look like a waste from here, what with the children and the grandchildren and the garden and everything. And you touch lives all over the world. Like mine. Still. Which is crazy, really, but there you go.
    Sorry to be such and intermittent visitor. I still love you!
    Mwa xxx

  7. The reason I wanted to say something about that was because I have the same mantra, and can only see in other people that it's false in me. If you see what I mean. Which I know you do. X

  8. We have taken so many things to auction. We had to with all of Mom and Pop's collections and furnishings. It worked out well and got us on the journey to rid ourselves of things that we don't use or need.


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