Thursday, September 25, 2014

My Wrinkles Are Just Perfect, Thank You

There's a woman who does a food column for the local paper who leans towards the healthy side of things. She frequently discusses "cleanses" and today's column was about that very subject. One of the questions she asked to determine if perhaps a cleanse is something we could benefit from was, "Do you have more wrinkles than you would like?"
I almost spit my coffee.
"Oh, no." I wanted so desperately to tell her. "I have exactly the number of wrinkles that I really, truly want. Thank-you, though. Thank you so much for asking."
Phew. Because I sure don't want to go twenty-one days (the prescribed amount of time) without sugar, alcohol, dairy, meat, or processed foods. I mean, I'm sure it would be good for me but to be realistic, no, it is not going to happen.

Absurdity seems to abound. Lily and I went out shopping today for Owen's birthday and we found ourselves in Costco, of course, because it is now written into the Constitution that you cannot have a party of any sort without visiting Costco and buying flats of ginormous boxes of things. I mean, it just can't be done. And of course, Christmas is already in evidence there in the Costco, the lights, the Nativities, and yes, in Target too where I spied a very pink pig dressed in a Christmasy outfit which you can buy as a holiday decoration and when I say "you" I mean, anyone in the world but me and what the fuck is up with that? Have I missed some important cultural holiday icon-creation? Is there now a Christmas pig to go along with elves and fucking shelf fairies or whatever those fucking things are and gingerbread houses and nutcrackers and snow men and all that other shit that some Christians are pretty certain are in dire danger of being eliminated because CHRISTMAS IS UNDER ATTACK and if I had a gun, it might be.

Anyway, Lily and I had a good time of it and we got lots of fun party stuff and I bought that damn Pip Poppin' game and some other stuff and we went to the Indian buffet for lunch and it was awesome and we did not eat an absurd amount. I had recovered by then from my exposure to the Awkward Family Photos card selection in Target which made me laugh so hard that tears literally squirted from my eyes and Lily said, "I have to remove myself from you now," and she did, pushing the cart away from me, as eager as any fourteen-year old to prevent anyone at all thinking that we were related because I was peeing in my pants (okay, not really, it must have been a good day for bladder control) and shrieking and so forth. I actually bought Vergil one of these cards because I simply had to.
I know you've been to that web site, right? Awkward Family Photos? The link to the Hall of Famers is HERE, just in case you haven't visited for awhile and honestly, you should visit there now because there is nothing in the world as important as laughing so hard you cry.

These are just a few of my favorites and at least one of them has been posted here before (the evil little girl squishing her brother's head) but some things just bear repeating.

Well, all of this throw-back-Thursday family absurdity has put me in the mood to make a tuna casserole and I think I'll go make one. It won't involve any Campbell's Cream Of Anything soup and it won't involve American cheese but hopefully, it will still be fit to eat. If I stir a little bit of sherry in it and figure out how to slip a little sugar in it, it will break all of the cleanse rules in one big ol' Pyrex dish which is fine because I think I'd actually like to have a few more wrinkles. Hell, maybe I'll just toss back a few shots of vodka from a sugar-rimmed glass while I'm making it and call it a day.

Here's wishing you a very nice evening and if you have stumbled upon any absurdities today which you would like to share, I would be most happy to hear about them.

Awkwardly Yours...Ms. Moon


  1. Mary's back! Oh god I laughed. I didn't think I was in the mood to laugh but I came here and discovered I was wrong. Happy birthday Owen and Lily. Your family is so loving. And funny!

  2. wait. I kind of want the Christmas pig and I fucking hate christmas. But I already have Astronaut Jesus, also purchased at Target. So, Christmas Pig seems like the next logical step.

  3. If it worked well for wrinkles, it would be as familiar as Botox! Love the last photo. Shades of Breaking Bad.

    wv is "cleansing". Seriously.

  4. You made me laugh again, thank you! The day had some absurd moments for me too. At the post office, the friendly customer service person at the window had a plastic hand and arm. While this was unfortunate, he used it to good advantage by pasting the mailing labels on his hand before applying them to my packages. He was the essence of poise and nonchalance. Then when I parked later, behind a car with a Hello Kitty picture on it, I noticed a second decal of the Baby on Board type. It said "Baby Is Up In All This Shit!" Haha. Enjoy your cream of nothing casserole Mary Moon! Love, OconSuz

  5. To really get rid of all your wrinkles you have to consume nothing but [organic] lemon water. Then you will have no wrinkles because you will be dead. The end.

    The tighty-whitey selfie made me snort. Thank you.

  6. There is absolutely nothing as useless as a "cleanse." If you are still shitting, you are still cleansing. 9 out of 10 honest doctors concur. My pet peeve is "paleo." I don't think it means what people think it means...unless they are eating the liver, testicles, tongues, spleens, intestines which are chock full of nutrients. Nowadays paleo means almond flour. LMAO

  7. They made a mistake and sent the pig to Florida instead of Atlanta. I grew up with the Christmas tradition of riding the pink pig located on the roof of Riches department store. It's a kiddie train disguised as a pig. You know you are from Atlanta if you have ridden the pink pig. BTW...I have never seen a child on one of those trains with a smile on their face.

    And, as for wrinkles...I danced with the red devil for the privilege to display them. I'm keeping mine.

  8. The first time I saw the underwear thanksgiving picture I did pee my pants! Thanks for refreshing that memory...

  9. Well you made me laugh. I'd have been hooting right along with you. Yeah, already with the Christmas shit. Already seen my first meme against 'happy holidays' cause, it's Christmas dammit. Uh, yah, to you maybe but it ain't the only holiday being celebrated you myopic ass. Cleansing seems to me to be a bit of masochism and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't erase 64 years of living. I basically work on strengthening my immune system by wallowing in all that shit. Not really. Well maybe a little.

  10. Ha! You are hilarious in your own right, even without the awkward family photos (which definitely nonetheless increased the hilarity level of this post). The only one I don't get is the mushroom cloud. I mean, someone had to use some photoshop there, right? That surely can't be real.

    As for the newspaper columnist, I want to know what editor allows her to go on about such unmitigated BS. Part of any columnist's credentials should involve writing with a critical journalistic eye, not perpetuating whatever silly baloney you hear. (Or, worse, have a vested interest in. I wonder if she's an alternative healing specialist or something?)

  11. LOL -- let me amend that last comment. I realize the mushroom cloud is DEFINITELY not real. I don't mean to even sound like I am not sure.

  12. Brilliant link, I will now proceed to forward this to whoever needs a good laugh.

    Xmas pig? Maybe they did have a pig in that Bethlehem stable.

    I am still trying to figure out where the reindeer fit in, surely not in the stable, too? Or is that the story about santa and the cocacola truck.

    Let the anthropologists and enthnologists in the distant future solve that riddle for us.

  13. Angella- I like to think we all possess wicked good senses of humor. At least we make each other laugh!

    Ramona Quimby- What's next? I can't even imagine. Thanks for the picture of Astronaut Jesus you gave me on the FB. Cracked me up.

    A- Okay. That's weird- the WV thing.

    Ocon Suz- Hello! Dang but I love the image of the poised and nonchalant postal worker! Work with what you got, right? Excellent! And the "Baby is all up in this shit" totally cracked me up. Thanks for giving me a laugh!

    Stephanie- Hey! Great point! Skeletons are notably free of wrinkles! This is reassuring.

    Laynie MYOB- Hello and welcome! Love your comment. "If you are still shitting, you are still cleansing." Absolutely. Yes. I think the Paleo thing is ridiculous. How many paleo dieters are eating wooly mammoth liver? Or the same sorts of plants that were available to our distant ancestors? NONE! It's another trendy thing will go the way of the...wooly mammoth.

    Lisa- Never heard of the Christmas pig before. Atlanta, huh? Every city has its own weird little quirks and customs. I'm with you on the wrinkles. I deserve more than I have, to be frank.

    big mamabird- It's so like something that would happen around this joint.

    Ellen Abbott- You and I have such similar mind-sets. "Myopic ass"! Love that. Love you.

    Steve Reed- As a matter of fact, this woman does have a business like that. Haha! She leads cooking classes and does those cleanse classes. And other stuff. By the way- I took that picture at face value. I'm serious.
    The fifties were completely that whack.

    Sabine- The distant anthropologists and ethnologists will certainly have much to ponder and I think their final thoughts on us will be, "How insane and absurd these people were."

  14. I swear Mary, I am not making that shit up. Macy's bought out Riches and Davidson's back in the late 80's, but it is the same weird tradition.

  15. Lol on the awkward photos. Hysterical. The tighty whitey one really made me laugh.


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