Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Loving And Letting Go

I am still so tired.

And now Jessie's gone and I'm doing that disassociation thing and I don't even know where my mind is.

I walked this morning in the rain and then she and I went to town so she could tell her boys and her sister good-bye one more time until the next time.
It was so hard.

As hard as it is for us to see her go, I know it is that hard and more for her to leave. Which makes it all worse, somehow and compounds it in all of our hearts.

Oh. How to make it all work out so that everyone is happy, everyone has every thing they need?

Impossible sometimes. And yet, we figure it out, we do, and it always works out and it will.

Meanwhile, we all go on. Lily and the boys and I went to Target and then to lunch. Being around my grandsons is tonic and is medicine and is a heart reparative.

And now I'm home.

Do laundry, cook beans. Rest. The older I get, the smaller are my stores of energy. The more I need time to just be.

Just be.

To just be grateful for the joy of the usual, be grateful for the joy of the busy, be grateful for the blessings which have been poured upon me from the heavens like manna, like pure sweet rain. Even to be grateful for exhaustion because that will slow me down and force me to attend to that which is most purely in need of attending. There is a slow and tender perfection in that purity. I am feeling it right this second and I am reminding myself that if I did not love my children as much as I do, if they did not love each other as much as they do, there would not be this pain when one of them leaves our arms for awhile and thus, as in all things, there is a balance.

It is a fact of this universe and there is no escaping it and I doubt I would, even if I could.


  1. Love these pictures of Jesse and her nephews. You done good, Sister Moon. Love runs in your family.

  2. Love you, Ms Moon and all your relations. Missing a child is the worst ache. Sweetness and sadness all mixed together.

    XXx Beth

  3. The first photo is so beautiful -- luminous, really -- and soft in the most profound way.

  4. I can't imagine what it is going to be like when my babies leave the nest but I know it is going to happen one day. I guess that it is why they are given to us; to raise and send off into the world but oh, it must hurt.

  5. These pictures are beautiful - the lighting - oh my.

    Life is just hard. But you seem to feel so much and so does your family - whether you express it and so magnify it - I don't know - but your love seems so very big nd warm. It's hard to believe you could ever feel the blues come on surrounded as you are by so much love - but I know that that has nothing to do with the blues. You would only think it should. Or it does but opposite to how it should be if you don't feel deserving. None of us are deserving so take it all and be grateful as I know you are and feel how wonderfully fortunate you are in this one thing.

  6. gradydoctor- We do love each other. This is the miracle of my life that it can be this way.

    Beth Coyote- It profoundly affects me. Even more than I realize. It's odd.

    Elizabeth- Golden babies.

    Birdie- It's very, very hard. But they do come back. They do.

    Jeannie- I am emotional. I know it. It's the way I am. I am too old to change.

  7. Good point on your second to last paragraph about balance of thought.

  8. I find that as I've gotten older, I do just want to be and not do as much. It feels okay as I've "done" all my life. Now is my time to do what I want and not be trying to prove something to anyone else but myself. I'm liking this benefit of aging.

  9. Good-byes are so hard. I imagine good-byes to children are the hardest yet.


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