Friday, July 6, 2012

Meanwhile, Back At The Lodge

5:22 a.m. and the smell of Mr. Moon's coffee woke me up and there was no going back to sleep.

Yes. Dawn is beautiful. If you're at the beach. Otherwise it's pretty much just a growing small light in the darkness which is a lovely metaphor but one I'd just as soon skip right over, given the choice.

Mr. Moon is off to fish again today. That man.
He is a sportsman. Give him a boat and a body of water or a few thousand acres of woodlands and a gun and he is one happy man.

Before I was married to him, I was married to a guitar player. He was absent from the homefires a lot too, but in his case, other women were frequently involved in his time away from home.

Not same-same. Believe me.

Oh sigh.

Moonrise Kingdom has once again NOT shown up in Tallahassee yet. The new Woody Allen movie has.

Last night I was going to make a list of what I wanted to get done this weekend. (Note that I did not say what I wanted to DO this weekend because I never know what I want to do, I just do what I need to do, mostly, and not nearly enough of that.)
But I didn't write down the list because here is what it would have looked like:

1. Clean and mop kitchen.
2. Clean and reorganize laundry room.

Okay. That's it.

My laundry room is not actually a room. It is the size of a closet and houses not only the washer and dryer but also the hot water heater. Of course it has become not only the place where I wash and fold and stack the clean clothes, it is also a repository for old rags, flashlights, dog medications, batteries, extension cords, brooms, dustpans, furniture polish, recycle containers, extra paper towels, dust mop, bug spray, light bulbs, and a whole bunch of other random stuff including, of course, the laundry detergent and stain remover and fabric softener and bleach.

I wonder what Pioneer Woman does with all that sort of crap? I bet she has a custom-made, cedar-lined laundry room with closets IN it. I bet there are designated areas in her massively large laundry room for each and every product, tool, and chore.

Okay, I just went to Pioneer Woman in order to torture myself and here's what I discovered: their house is called The Lodge.
Unless they have another house and The Lodge is just a place they go hang out. Which yes, has a custom-made laundry room where the brands of the machines are clearly and boldly stated which means that she got 'em for free because EVERYONE WANTS WHAT PIONEER WOMAN HAS!

Man, I'd kill myself if I had all those cows.

I also looked at some of her recipes. They sure aren't concerned with cholesterol there at The Lodge, are they? Also, they had an English film crew at The Lodge to film her Big Happy Cholesterol Laden Fourth Of July With A Ton Of Fireworks Celebration. The title of the post was Fireworks and Family Values.

Good god.

Anyway, back to reality.

The reality is, I am somewhat depressed. For all of you preternaturally happy people out there, I say this- keep up the good work! Beef- it's what's for supper. Got milk?
Samsung, Samsung, Samsung. (I am expecting delivery of a new washer and dryer any day now after that shout-out.)

The mosquitoes are still swarming. I got bitten about forty-two times, going out to get the paper. If I was Pioneer Woman, I'd just have my husband, affectionately known as Marlboro Man, get out his spray truck and nuke the place. Yeah. Really. That's what they do when the flies get bad. In fact, getting out the spray truck was part of their pre-party activity. Also, buying bandanas to make darling napkins in all the colors of the rainbow. Because you know- cloth napkins are always either in the hamper or on the ironing board waiting to be ironed.

She irons her napkins? And has four kids and homeschools them? And writes cookbooks and goes on book tours and hosts parties for hundreds and has time left over to photoshop her incredible photos?

Clean and mop kitchen.
Clean and reorganize laundry room.

I'm overwhelmed and vastly under-inspired.

Happy Friday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. We both got up early today! Boy am I glad you aren't like that lady. You sure wouldn't have time to go to the mall with me. Or watch/ play with your grandboys. Or talk on the phone about nonessential things with me. Plus you have 3 other kids and a husband who I am sure would miss things you do for and with them. Anywho I just wanted to say I loved you and see ya this afternoon!

  2. Well it overwhelms normal people too... homeschooling and all the other stepford wives thingy... could not have done it, nor wanted to.. but whatever moves your boat I guess... anyway, do not feel low, just remember how much love you have around you, and those boys, they are surely worth all the time in the world spent with them... you keep on going, we love hearing about your life and days.. hugs .. J

  3. eff the pioneer hussy. we gots us a talahassee gal named mary moon. i'll tell you something- i'll bet she doesn;t have a still and she doesn't know dick about makin' shine.

    xxalainaxx (from a place hotter than you all today, heat index predicted to hit 110!)

  4. I don't know this 'pioneer woman' but I'm pretty sure I'd hate her. I saw a cartoon recently that said 'Of course I'm a good mother, they're all alive, aren't they?'
    Sums it up most days.

  5. "Fireworks and Family Values"


    I actually had to stop reading your post to write this comment. Now I will go back and finish.

    BTW, I like to think of you as OUR very own Pioneer Woman, The Alternative Pioneer Woman for those of us that have actual human values rather than Family Values if you know what I mean.

    Also, one day I hope to actually prove that I am not a robot and then perhaps choose an identity.

    Til then.


  6. Ha! Ok, the Pioneer Woman is clearly demented. I hereby endorse The Alternative Pioneer Woman. Kinda like Pork, The Other White Meat.

    Gawd I love this place.


  7. I read the same post. I felt so terribly PC when I read about the spray truck -- aghast, really. I have to admit, though, that she charms me. She just does. And just so you know, The Lodge is NOT their main house. From what I can tell, it's kind of like their party house -- where they film her show, where they have parties, where she cooks for her cookbooks, etc.

  8. Hello there!
    I wish I would do all the walking like you do. And fishing--I love how your Hubs brings home all kinds of hunting. I wanted to fish in FL for my birthday but the cost to go out is extreme.

    OK, you will die laughing if you have not already seen the snark blog called Pie Near Woman. The writer dresses up barbie and ken dolls.

    one of the "skits" is:

    her recipes are all taken from others with maybe a slight change. It is a huge company behind the woman of course so my beef (heehee) is to admit all the people behind the scene. Same way I feel about stars who look great--I'd respect you more if you were transparent about all "the work".

  9. how would one iron napkins? they come off the roll pretty flat as is.

  10. Here's to the vastly under-inspired!!

  11. You and I have THE SAME LAUNDRY ROOM!!! Also We have the same "list".OK I follow Ms P. Woman. I like to keep balance in my life...or how the other 1/2 lives. HOT well it is 102 here in T-town Alabama.. I love my kiddie pool.

  12. Lily- I think if I were here, I could do all the things you list PLUS homeschool YOUR children.
    But thank-you, darling. I love you.

    janzi- Thanks, sweet woman.

    Mrs. A- I don't have a still either. Do you? Awesome!

    RachelBK- I think Roseanne Barr originated that line. She had a thing in her stand-up routine where she'd say that when her husband came home and asked her what she'd done all day she'd say, "These kids are still alive, I've done my job!"

    Invisigal-I wonder how many people she has working for her at this point. Gotta be a few.

    Elizabeth- That only makes me feel worse. Jesus.

    Michele R- Okay. That blogger has a SERIOUS issue with Pioneer Woman. That was freaking hysterical. I'm going back there. Believe me.

    Magnum- Well, exactly!

    A- We love our Magnum.

    Robyn- I'll drink to that.

  13. I blame me being weirded out by the Pioneer Woman on your "Dear Pioneer Woman" post from a year ago. She has given me the skeevs ever since.

    And since she does, I enjoyed this post quite a bit. Hee hee.

    Mosquitoes love me. For reals, they do. So I feel your pain.

  14. You rock much more than the Puoneer Woman. I don't know who she is but she simply cannot be as cool as you.

  15. mary i- I don't think that Pioneer Woman represents any other half. But that's just me. I need a kiddy pool too.

    gradydoctor- I am not usually the mosquitoes first coice on the menu but these mosquitoes are so hungry they just want blood and since I have some, they bite. Dear god, they are terrible!
    Yeah. Pioneer Woman. Pioneer of what?

    Syd- Oh believe me. She is WAY cooler than I am. But then, that's true of 99.9% of all other humans on earth. She sure is richer, too. Bless her heart.

  16. okay. i laughed. i sure did.

    i am sorry you're feeling a little down, though. i hope by the time you read this, it will have passed. hugs.


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