Last night Jessie went out to eat with Lily and Jason and the boys. Here they are, having a fine time. I asked Jessie this morning if the boys had been good. She paused and said, "Well, you know Owen."
It's just impossible for an almost-three year old to sit still at a restaurant. She said that he put a bunch of mustard on his sandwich and then he didn't like it. So his mother licked off the excess mustard.
I have said it before and I will say it again- Lily is the BEST mother.
While they were eating out, I was at home with Mr. Moon in the biggest funk you can imagine. It started in the afternoon, that funk, and it hasn't dissipated yet. I just feel completely useless. I feel as if I don't exist until someone needs me. I feel as if the stuckedness I've been feeling has set like concrete, finally drying and is now hard as a parking lot.
Watching hours of Bravo TV yesterday did not help matters. I didn't even feel like reading. I'm reading a good book but it's depressing. It's depressing because it's about people who get stuck and it's depressing because it is beautifully written and it's a first novel and I didn't write it and there you go. It's depressing because it's just depressing. (For the NYT review of the novel, go HERE.) At one point while watching Bravo TV I decided that even if I didn't feel very well, I could go upstairs and pull out those boxes of unsorted pictures from the past thirty-six years of my life. I could start going through them, at least try to file them in some sort of order.
I reached into the closet to pull out one of the boxes and just the sight of those drug-store photo envelopes holding images of people from three decades ago, some of them now dead, made me want to weep.
Just go ahead and stick a gun barrel in my mouth, I thought. I shoved the box back into the closet and shut the door and went back downstairs and the mice can continue to shred those pictures into nests.
I'm struggling. I am really struggling.
I think that sometimes when you are prone to depression and you fall physically ill, it feels like depression and then, depression does follow. Does this make sense?
No. Why should it? There is nothing logical about depression.
Well. I am going to take a shower, I am going to go to town to run a few errands. I don't have to but I can't simply sit here today, beating myself up for all of the things I am not doing, all of the places I am not being, all of the ways I am not succeeding, all of the dreams I have not allowed myself to have.
Birthdays. Aren't they great?
Happy Friday, y'all.
Love...Ms. Moon
Oh, honey.
ReplyDeleteI know about this. I sometimes think I fell prey/preyed upon the Pretty Boy just to feel something, anything other than grief.
XOXOXO. One day at a time is such a cliche, but cliches are cliches because they're true.
Remember that you are loved, and your writing brings so many people comfort.
Pamela
I've noticed a trend over the years that when your kids get together and you're not there, you fall into these depressions more readily. But what do I know? Hope you get to feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteBirthdays aren't what they used to be once we get older, are they? I think there is such a strong connection between physical pain and mental pain. The slightest cold can send me into a tailspin, because it's hard work keeping it together on a good day, so I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteThose old photos, I hear you. I have my own piles, waiting, waiting and I just don't have the heart for it right now, it's not a happy chore.
At least you are surrounded by love,
that's a dream come true right there.
xo
I really thought Owen was giving all of us the finger in that picture. Then I looked at it more closely and see they are holding up food stuffs...
ReplyDeleteIs today your birthday? If so, I'm glad you were born because you've given us all a lot here, not the least of which is seeing glimpses of you and your loving family.
I send loving wishes and am sorry you are having a hard time today; Sweet Jo
I know what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to get out of the house - just different air can make you feel better.
In the end, there's really no choice, but to ride this wave...
Thinking of you and loving you.
I know that feeling. Feel it in my bones. Last nightn was an attack of the night owls. Never good. Felt the tipping. Didn't totally capsize. It's hard keeping these boats upright. But damn it. Happy Birthday anyway, Mrs. Moon.
ReplyDeleteAnd those pictures. Gawd. I know what you mean.
Here, little mousies. Here, little mousies.
We are on the same wavelength. As usual. Love you. I need you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!! You bring us a lot of joy and comfort to us through your blog. Hope you are feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteGeorgie
Happy Birthday dear Girl, I do hope that your funk ended after you went out and did something outside the house.. I guess birthdays get more difficult the more you have.. I only know that this year I was glad to be home on the day, instead of the hospital where I spent my previous birthday! that was a hell hole that I could not wait to escape.. so I do hope that this birthday is not too unhappy for you... its being in that nether world, where you are neither old nor yet young.. it happens to us all, but your a young spark yet and your family love you dearly, that is worth a fortune in itself, add the man to it, why you are one of the richest people on the planet!!xx
ReplyDeleteMy theory is that there's a central nervous component to viruses. As for birthdays, fuck 'em.
ReplyDeletePamela- Thank-you. Yes. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous- Maybe.
Mel- I never did like birthdays. Even when I was a kid.
S. Jo- Tomorrow's my birthday.
Thanks.
liv- That's it exactly. Ride the damn wave.
Denise- "Here little mousies." That made me smile more than anything else has today. I swear.
SJ- What's UP with that?
Georgie- Hello and thank-you.
Janzi- I always know that I am one of the richest people on earth. I do.
Elizabeth- You may be exactly right and somehow, that is comforting as hell! Thanks for reminding me of this because I believe it too.
I wrote about being happy yesterday then had similar gun related thoughts last evening. Which just proves I'm crazy. All that to say you are not alone, and I feel better today and I hope you do too soon.
ReplyDeleteDear Mary, birthday seasons are really hard, i find. they bring such a reckoning, and they make time seem as if it is passing us by when in fact it's just another day. and then there are all the expectations about the fun we should have on our birthday, the pressure to plan something fantabulous, imagining that other people know how to plan fantabulous birthdays and we havent a clue how to, and on and on. i have come to hate my birthday season and i breathe a deep sigh of relief when it has passed for another year. That said, have a wonderful birthday tomorrow, which means do whatever you want to do, nothing at all if that's what your spirit feels like, and most of all, release all expectation about what the day SHOULD be. your sweet girl jesse is there. your family adores you, even if they can't lift this funk for you. Sometimes the only way to the other side is through. Sometimes we just have to feel what we feel and know its okay. Now go hug your babies and breathe in the smell of them.
ReplyDeleteyou are so loved.
Birthdays suck. I spend mine, every year, in a depressive funk.
ReplyDeleteGo have a drink and throw darts at a picture of Mitt Romney.
Birthdays bah humbug. You dear Mary are a jewel in the crown of heaven, whatever the hell that means (sounds vaguely Catholic).
ReplyDeleteI adore you from here on the West Coast, for your children, your man, your chickens, even your dog with the blow-up ear. You live your life for all to see and we are grateful for that.
Love and kisses,
Beth
I am sorry about your pain, Ms. Moon. You are a wonderful woman, wife, mother, and friend, regardless of what you do to be needed. The fact that you simply exist is wonderful. You have no idea how many times I hear something or have a conversation with someone and think about how you would react, or respond.
ReplyDeleteI love birthdays because it means I am still here. For better or worse, still here. I don't like to read about sticking a gun in your mouth though. My expectation, of which I have few, is that you won't do something like that. You are important, you hear that!
ReplyDelete