Friday, May 6, 2011

Wicked. Yes. I Am

All I did tonight was bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch. I don't understand how professional servers do it. I'd smack someone before my first night was over if I was working as a real server. Where the fuck do people get their sense of entitlement?

Dude hands me his water glass WHILE I'M SERVING THE DESSERTS! From a tray.

I was like, "What?" I mean, did he want me to take it? It was like he was presenting it to me, that empty goblet.

And then, because I was acting like a server, I said, "Oh, I'll be right back with the water."

Another dude asked why we hadn't served any bread with the salads. I told him that it was a sacred law of the Opera House not to serve bread until the entree. I tried to joke about it, but honestly, that's the truth.
He sat there and pouted like Mr. Toad.
I took him his own special plate with two rolls on it. I said, "The chef wanted you to have this."
I won't even tell you what the "chef" told me to tell him.
It would have been anatomically difficult as the rolls were very soft.


Yeah. So what. The play was fine. The audience was entertained. There were fights onstage and gunshots and explosions and long explanations as to who the murderer might have been. I'm still not sure, actually. I was probably bitching in the kitchen when they announced it.

On my way home, the moon was overhead like a hooked slender grin. Not silver, not gold but something inbetween. I swerved to miss an armadillo, leisurely crossing the road. I did not hit him and for that I am grateful. He is probably still crossing that road. Armadillos can trot faster than you'd think but mostly do not. They have no natural enemies, armadillos, and say what you will, if it wasn't for the automobile, we would be overrun with them. I believe I have pointed this out before.

Back when humans first started hanging out at Wakulla Springs, there was a creature who still roamed these parts called a Glyptodon. It was as big as a Volkswagen Beetle.

It was related to armadillos. Can you fucking imagine? Oh hell no. Man, if you hit one of those mothers crossing the road, it would be a major bloody slaughter.

Well, the moon has seen it all. At least on this planet. The giant ground sloths, the mastodons and mammoths, the dinosaurs in all of their life-ruling glory. Here we are, we humans and we've been here for about two seconds when it comes to the relative age of things.
And yet, we deserve our bread when we get our salads and that is that. WE ARE THE RULERS OF THE UNIVERSE AND GIVE ME MY GODDAM BREAD! AND I WANT SOME WATER. NOW!

If I were in a sweet and Zenlike mood, I would be lovingly forgiving.

But I am not.

Instead, I am fantasizing the Amazing Glyptodon slowly and methodically chewing Water Dude and Bread Dude up and digesting them. And I am smiling with a smile as cruel as the moon's tonight. Sharp and deadly, amused by the silly, weak, two-legged creature who thinks that she or he is the prophesied end result of all that has come before.

Sweet dreams, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Bwahhahaha!!! Poor water dude...all chewed up! :)

  2. Mary I am in one of those same moods but I appreciate and liked your logic with the Glyptodon eating the two guys..yes I envisioned this in my head and is one of those nights. I night I can smile and nod and agree on what you said in the kitchen..said to yourself as you so politely dealt with those at the Opera House.

    If you put 50+ year old women in a room and let us talk oh what we would say and create to life!

    I haven't seen the moon is dark now but I haven't scanned the skies..I will though when I take my dogs out. And I will think of that huge Glyptodon who use to roam the earth. Thankful that I can not hit it on my street.

  3. Hilarious! And I love your description of the moon -- so beautiful.

    I live in a neighborhood adjacent to what's known as the La Brea Tarpits -- vast amounts of tar underground that has been the source of one of the biggest collections of mastodons and the like -- I'm always amazed that people don't "believe" in evolution when one sees the life on this planet that existed millions of years ago --

  4. i cannot even HANDLE that glyptodon. that thing is seriously scary.

  5. I noticed that moon last night and pointed it out to my grandchildren. My grandson was impressed, but my granddaughter not so much. Those two dudes sound just like my stepmother when she goes out to eat. I'm sure her food has been spit in more than once. In fact, I have been tempted to do it myself on a few occasions.

  6. I love the wicked version of Ms. Moon.

  7. Ah, how happy it makes me, coming here and reading your thoughts, be they wicked or what have you.

  8. also: Heinrich Harder is an awesome name for the glyptodon artist. Just sounds like someone who would hang out with Klaus Kinski and Blixa Bargeld.

  9. Ha :)

    You got in touch with your inner Glyptodon!

  10. I couldn't be a server, or waitress. I would be much too rude to rude clients and end up getting fired.

    I've never been rude to a waiter in my life. The sort of person who is rude to waiting staff is the sort of person I wouldn't want to hang out with.

    Would have loved to see you try something with the bread rolls lol!

    Ali x

  11. Oh, I'm so sorry you had to deal with bread and water man/men! I waited and tended for over 20 years and THAT is a huge part of the reason for my permanent scowl!

    I felt like Weizer in Steele Mags "I'm not depressed I've just been in a bad MOOD for 40 years"!

    Fantasizing and pot are the only ways to get through it I'm convinced...if you do it for a living that is.

    Hail to the Dillos!

  12. Nicol- Little does he know.

    Ellen- We fifty plus women would be like Glytodons. Don't get in our way! I hope you enjoyed the moon.

    Elizabeth- I know. What sort of bullshit does it take to deny such obvious truth?

    Maggie May- Our foremothers and fathers were tougher than we are. Oh but wait- they didn't have to deal with traffic. So there is that.

    Lois- Ha! Do it!

    Mel's Way- She's definitely in here.

    x-ray Iris- That makes me happy.
    I didn't even notice the author's name! Awesome.

    Jo- I surely did.

    Alison Cross- Hello, hello! My daughter is a server. You should hear some of the stories she has. She's so gracious though. SO gracious. I don't understand it. But she is. Also...she has some wicked too.

    Ms. Fleur- Yes. If I were a real server, I'd have to start smoking dope again. It would be the only way.

  13. Waitress was the worst job I ever had and gave me a good idea of what people were like at the core.

    Glyptodon looks to me like a Jesus cow.

  14. I am not made to serve people. It just isn't in me.

  15. So glad to know that you, too, have murderous urges and fantasies. Gotta have a little bit of bitter with all that sweet.

    Sometimes, in MY fantasies, I don't even send a Glyptodon to do the job...I revel in doing it myself.

  16. Madame King- A Jesus Cow? Is that what you would ride to be a cowboy for Christ?

    Syd- Me either. Oh wait. I do it all the time. Just not for money.

    Lo- Exactly!

    DTG- I sort of do too.

  17. Brilliant post Mary and very funny!

    God! People are such idiots and so bloody rude! At least you have a sense of humour.

    I'd love to see an armadillo crossing the road. I'd love a Glyptodon too. I hadn't even seen a possum until you posted a picture!

    Love you xx

  18. I love this post!

    I'll bet money bread man was a damn fat ass, too. That's how it works.


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