Friday, May 6, 2011

Rambling Lament

Friday morning and I woke up feeling the exact opposite of how I've been feeling the past few days which was happy and easy and ready-to-go-with-the-flow, yes, even of the millions of gallons of water bubbling from Wakulla Springs, whatever! Bring it on!

And today, no.

I want to crouch in that paper-shredded closet under the stairway where the mice have torn up all the wrapping paper, damn them, and I have to clean it up, that Harry Potter room under the stairs but I have things to do, places I must go. The library wants their CD's back! Ah. Damn the library. No, not really. I love the library.

It has come to my attention lately that two sweet little sixteen-year old girls read my blog and this makes me feel odd. I mean, should I be cursing like a motherfucking cocksucker around sixteen year old girls? What if their parents found out? Oh, sure, my content is usually all about such innocent things as my grandson, chickens, how much I love my family, etc. BUT, there's also the sacrilegious stuff, the cursing, the... okay, that's about it.

Do I now stop being me? Oh no. I can't. But for some reason, it had never really occurred to me that sixteen-year olds would find anything about my blog to cause them to spend any time on it. I mean really- when I was sixteen I don't think I would have given a damn about anything that a fifty-six year old woman had to say.
This is not unlike how I feel about people talking about me when I'm not around. It just never CROSSES MY MIND that anyone would have anything to say about me. I realize this is unrealistic. We all talk about everyone we know. We do. That's the human way.
But me?
What in hell would anyone say about me?

"Oh, she's crazy."
"Did you see what she was WEARING?"
"Why doesn't she do something about her hair?"
"She's gained a lot of weight, hasn't she?"


That I can imagine.

We all do carry our own buckets of sand around to stick our heads in, as Kathleen says. She is right.

Well. Friday morning. I've taken the trash and I've gone to the post office. I had a project going that I've been meaning to get to for months and now I have finished it and it's sent. And it's such a simple little thing. So pathetic, really. Why does everything loom so large to me? From putting on a bra to calling for an appointment? The simplest things overwhelm me and cause me to feel so inadequate, so abnormal. This is who I am, though. This is just who I am. Not exactly crazy but not exactly sane, either.

But guess what? I don't know anyone who is exactly sane. Our crazies just take different forms. Ever since I really went crazy I now know what it feels like and mostly, I don't feel like that any more and boy, am I glad. Because that kind of crazy would prevent me from taking care of my grandson, forget going to the post office to mail things, forget not wanting to put on a bra.

All right. Let's talk about Mother's Day.
I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't want to go out to eat because it's the biggest going-out-to-restaurant-day of the year. No. I do not want to do that.
Nor do I want to cook especially.
I know you all love me and you're all so good to me every day of the year. EVERY DAY! So let's cancel Mother's Day. Let's all give Lily cards. She's the best mother I know.
I don't need any gifts. I don't want any gifts. I just need for all of you to know how much I love you and how grateful I am that each and every one of you made me a different sort of mother. My god, you all humble me.

Okay. That's taken care of.

All right. I better get to more of the things on my checklist. I will be SO glad when the new library branch opens up on the east side of Tallahassee. This will mean that I'll be able to get to the library in about fifteen minutes which is SPECTACULARLY AWESOME! My grandson, Publix AND the library, all on this side of town. Please. What more could a woman want?

Not much.

Happy Friday, y'all. And remember- you're not crazy. You're just not normal and no one else is either so who gives a flying fuck?

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Crazy is the NEW normal. Laugh. I crack myself fucking up.

  2. Best. Post. Ever.

    Of course a 16 year old would want to read you, Ms. Moon. You are so real and yet forgiving and loving. And trust me, as the mother of a recent 16 year old there is nothing in your language or content that gives them pause. More likely they are relieved to discover that they can be so cool at 56!

    As to the rest, the out of sorts-ness, oh, it comes as it will, but it will pass, the happy will come back. Let your serene house and garden seep into you. Be in that place. The world outside your gate will wait for you. But please know in the meantime how very much you are loved.

  3. I love you. And it doesn't surprise me, though it makes me sigh a little, that you can't imagine why some people might read your blog. It's just a fact of life that we can't see our own light. But yours is huge.

  4. Oh, Mary. Sixteen year old things say far worse things than motherfucker, I don't think you have to worry about that.

    I think people say a lot of very nice things about you, you silly woman.

  5. Amen sista! We all follow you because we love you and voice what we all secretly are thinking. You're a fantastic Mum, Grandmother, Wife, friend and spokeswoman for all of us. Happy Mothers' Day to you x

  6. Don't worry about the dear 16 year olds, they can handle it all. And if they are reading you, they are spectacularly awesome already and know what's what.
    I will be so happy when the library opens near you. I could just renew those cds for you until you feel like bringing em back if you lived up this way.
    I would break all the library rules for you.
    I am sorry you're feeling the opposite of the other feeling but glad it's not the real crazy stuff.
    Love and hugs and understanding.

  7. When I talk about you, and I have, I say things like, "Oh my goodness, you need to read Ms. Moon's blog. It's great! She's real. She's a gifted writer and can express herself with words so well and I have learned many things from her. She talks about life and earthy topics. She is open, honest and oh, did I tell you she's real?" I have no idea if anyone has ever come to read 'Bless Our Hearts' because of me, but that's what I say about you and 'Bless Our Hearts.' :) Have a good weekend, Ms. Moon! P.S. Those 16 year-olds have good taste in blogs, obviously.

  8. Well, here is something not rated NC-17 or R:
    I just went to Publix and thought of you. I have BEEN WAITING for that 8 O'Clock coffee to be buy one get one free once again and now it is so!! Did you stock up again???? I'm sure you did.
    P.S. The message to your kids makes you the sort of mom anyone could be lucky enough to have.

  9. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Ah-LAH! (You have to shout it to sound like Owen so I am shouting it.)

    Angella- I made it out and I made it back! Yay! You're so sweet to me. I love you.

    Amna- Well, if my light is huge, it's because of all the light I am reflecting. Yours too. I mean it.

    Jo- I just can't even imagine. Seriously.

    Sandy- That made me laugh. Just two days ago a nurse was telling Kathleen and me about going to one of her kids' baseball games and I said, "Oh, I hated that part of young motherhood. Why do parents have to have their asses in the bleachers every time their kid is in a game?" And she gave me this look like, "Really? It's okay to feel this way?" She won't forget that one for awhile! Thanks, sugar.

    Bethany- Their writing is so mature! And polite! They're raising some kids right these days, I tell you. I wish with all my heart that you were MY librarian. My overdue CD's only cost 40 cents and I said what I always say when I pay a fine, "What a bargain!" And I mean it!
    Thanks for the love, hugs, and understanding. Back at you, baby.

    Nicol- I wish I'd known you when you were living here. I really do.

    Michele R- I have TEN bags in my cabinet. I told DTG yesterday that I feel rich again. Yay for Eight O'clock BOGO's!

  10. If 16 year old read this well's a major compliment to, i wasnt interested in anything 50 year old people had to say when I was that age...but then (in the era pre internet) I did used to come across certain books, an art work, a person, an eavesdropped conversation, and one particular independent radio station that changed my life...

    you could be that thing that changes their lives for the a small never know!

  11. I don't know of a soul who is normal. You are okay the way you are.

  12. You must be doing a lot of things right if you caught (and continue to catch) the attention of teenage girls. Keep doing what you're doing.

  13. I felt like joining you in the Harry Potter room under stairs this morning. Everything seemed like a huge thing. I had to have a word with myself.

    I'm definitely not normal but I would't have it any other way.

    And please DON'T stop the motherfucking cocksucking cursing. I love it. Love you more xx

  14. Some of the best and most important facts I learned were from folks much older than me. Age means nothing..nope it does not. You may not realize that those girls are learning about women...not teens... and fact of life...of being a woman, a mother, a grandmother and a friend.

    I agree with Jo that those 16 years old have heard worse and maybe say it themselves.


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