Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Questions And Answers

Well, Pearl is alive. She made her way outside to poop and got back in without help. It was a struggle, but she did it.
I keep offering her different foods. I mixed an egg in with her warmed-up canned dog food but she didn't want it. She did, however, want the cheese and peanut butter I gave her.
Oh for freak's sake! How long can hospice continue?
This is a good question and one that I obviously have no answer for. Maybe I should just give her sticks of butter. Yum. Butter. Maybe I should fry her a pound of bacon every day. Yum. Bacon.

Forget it.

I am no saint, y'all. Believe me. And I am not sure whether those looks she is giving me are saying, "Why am I still here?" or "Why aren't you cooking me a pound of bacon?"

I guess it all boils down to- is she in pain? And who can know that but her?
I swear, I think all the time about giving her an Oxycontin in peanut butter. Maybe two. Would THAT be wrong?

Let me repeat: I AM NO SAINT!

Well, good morning. It's getting close to afternoon. I slept late. When Mr. Moon is out of town, I read until I can't focus any more. Then I turn out the light and sleep like the dead. It's awesome.

Owen isn't coming today, Mr. Moon won't be back until later. I have nothing I have to do and nowhere I have to be. This is pure luxury, not unlike reading late into the night.

Okay. Here's a question for you: Why is it that Elvis saves his sexual attentions for three of the hens and ignores two when it comes to fucking? He seems to want to have it on with Ms. Mabel the most. He runs at her with his wings partially spread and hops on her and covers her like Dracula with those wings and she lays there in submission. This also happens with slightly less frequency to Shalayla. Mabel is black, Shalayla is red. His third choice in pleasure is Daffodil. She is white.
Miss Bob and Miss Dolly don't seem to get sex at all from him which makes them happy. I guess. They are both golden. Their color, I mean.
But when it comes to sleeping arrangements in the hen house, Elvis sleeps in the same nest area with Bob and Dolly. They are the ones who cuddle with him at night and one would presume, are getting the most protection.
Do chickens have a madonna/whore situation going on?

Sometimes I wonder if humans are any more advanced than chickens at all. Oh sure, we can write love poetry and invent the Popeil Pocket Fisherman, but is our culture any more complex than chickens'?
I don't know. Sure is fascinating to watch, though.

Speaking of chickens, mine want out of the coop. I loved listening to Alice Walker yesterday, mimicking her birds. They sound just like mine! She says that when she goes to other countries, she always tries to find the chickens. I do that too. Well, I only go to Mexico but you know what I mean. It's actually pretty easy to find the chickens in Mexico.

Shit. I just realized that one of these days my hens are going to be very, very old and what will we do then? By that time they'll be too tough to eat and who could kill someone named Shalayla anyway? Will we put THEM in the hospice program? Help them up and down from the roosts? Feed them corn cut from the cob and minced for easier beak-feeding? Give them little sippy cups of water?


Humans. We are weird, y'all. The more I think about it, the more I believe in my ape/alien theory of how humans got here. Why else would we be allergic to our own planet? How else can you explain Donald Trump?

Well, these and many more questions are what we ponder here at the Church of the Batshit Crazy. The Eternal Mysteries. It's a hard job, but someone has to do it. I have taken on the job for all of us. It's okay. I'm fine with that.

Please let me know if you have the answers to any of these particular questions. Or any answers at all! This is not, please know, a multiple choice situation. There is no A, B, C, or D (all of the above.)

Here. I'll get you started:

Pork IS the best-tasting meat.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I don't believe I've heard your ape/alien theory. But it would explain a LOT.

    I wonder the same thing about my future chickens. I don't think I would eat them - so would I eventually be running a Retirement Home for Lady Chickens? It does sound like a situation I could find myself in.

  2. Pet hospice is hard. We had to let our 21-year-old black cat Harry go and even though he was in pain it made us feel the exact opposite of saints.

    As for the human species, I think skepticism is appropriate. We've only been around for the tiniest fraction of the history of Earth, and we aren't setting ourselves up for long-term survival. If we were ever visited by an alien life-form, they might think we were some kind of virus, the way we go about relentlessly destroying things, including our own air and water.

    Don't get me started.

    By the way, thank you for your kind comment on my blog :)

  3. Butter, eh? My cat has hair ball attacks on purpose to get milk. And to add to the freakish event it can't be just any milk, it has to be skim milk. Not 1%, not 2%, not whole. No skim. WTF?

  4. Oh the comment I wanted to post was too long. Shucks.

  5. Poor ole Pearly. I hope she goes to Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and whomever else real soon.

    As to the chicken love/lust thing... sounds like he doesn't want to ruin
    "the friendship" with Bob and Dolly... maybe sex in any species creates trouble. Perhaps Mabel and Daffy are sexy and great lays (pardon the pun) but not very good conversationalists..? Or maybe they are just hired guns...to help guard the real princesses of the hen house..? Who knows, the mind reels. That's all I got.

  6. I have no answers either. And, unfortunately, I'm starting a 21-day cleanse today and can't eat any pork.

    Carry on for all of us, Ms. Moon. Thank you for doing so!

  7. I am glad that Pearl is still here. She has a strong spirit. Give her bacon, cheese peanut butter and whatever she likes. Be a saint for the old girl.

  8. You answered correctly the question concerning the chickens yourself, it is a madonna/whore situation.
    I do know for certain that every time I fed a pet a raw egg in hopes that it would eat, I had let it go on too long.
    I once slept under a plastic paint tarp because my cat had become incontinent, again, too late. It is so hard to let go. Odd that humans do not have the right to euthanasia yet we deny our pets the OUT that is legal.
    I love pork, I also love pigs, they are extremely intelligent, it was their genetic mistake to taste so good. Too bad Donald Trump looks like he would taste like hairspray, somebody should eat him and be done with him, he disgusts me.
    X David

  9. You can't explain how people choose who they want to bone either. It's a mystery.
    I don't know a goddamn thing. I can't help you. Sorry.

    But I AM SO VERY GLAD to hear that Pearl has once again rallied. I was not prepared for Deathwatch today.

    Love you!

  10. Amna- It's a good theory and it explains a lot.

    Denny- The exact opposite of a saint. Yeah. Like maybe a god who has no idea she's doing.

    Birdie- Our pets train us well.

    x-ray Iris- What? A comment can be too long? Not for me.

    Ms. Fleur- It's a conundrum!

    Elizabeth- You don't have to EAT pork to know the truth of that statement. Here's hoping the cleanse is cleansing.

    Syd- Darn. Okay.

    David- Ha! You're so right about the Donald. Who would want to eat him? No pun intended.
    I love it when you come by.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- You're so funny. Don't worry. I seriously doubt she's dying today.

  11. Dearest Mary, so Pearl has surprised everyone yet again. If she didn't want the cheese and peanut butter I'd be worried. You're doing a great job with her.

    I wonder if Elvis just has a platonic relationship with Miss Bob and Miss Dolly? Like I have a clue about chickens!

    Love you xx

  12. I bet he thinks of the other two as his sisters.
    Also, at school I never wanted to do my closest male friends either - it was always the ones I longed for from a distance.
    Ms. Mabel is probably best at keeping the mystery alive.

    Personally, in my marriage though I say fuck the mystery because who has time for pretty veils and closing the bathroom door when it's winter and two kids have runny noses while the thirds is throwing up and all you want to do is eat pie?

  13. At this point, judging by the last picture of her you posted, I think it would be a blessing to grind up an 'Oxy-cotton' and mix it into a bacon cheesburger. I think she wants to let go and just needs a little help. It would be a mercy to help her go.

  14. Move over, Mary, darling.....you are not the only one struggling with questions lately. I just realized the other day that all of the good deed I have performed in my life may have been done for all the wrong (mostly selfish) reasons.

    Does this mean I have to go back have have them all reclassified as "sins"? Oy.

  15. Mwa- Ha! Mabel and her dark feathers, her dark secrets.

    Christina- Yes! Platonic! It's so funny. I wonder what constitutes sexiness in a hen.

    Lucy- Thanks for the suggestion.

    Lo- NO, NO, NO! There is no wrongness in doing right and hell- we must love ourselves before we can love others. If we can do both at the same time, wouldn't that be best? And no sin at all? I love you, woman. Quit beating yourself up.

  16. Dear Brave Souls: A Dr. E Literacy Test also known as a Sanity Test about What Really Matters
    by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes on Monday, May 2, 2011 at 11:11pm

    basic education in the school of Dr. E: a small test> (open book)

    Sanity Test about What Really Matters

    How many different kinds of feathers on the wing of a raptor? How long would it take for us to travel to the Moon? How is a diamond actually made and how long does it take? A real pearl? How many toes does a wolf have? What is a taproot? Who are the rain dancers where you live? Who are the round the clock prayers where you live? What prayer does the butterly pray over and over again? What is the mourning dove really saying? What are the ten most common dreams? Who advises Vasalisa? Who advises the Girl with No Story? How does one weigh a heart? Where does the Soul go when we are sleeping? Children are really who in disguise? Why do Dolphins think they are us? Where do the dead really live and what do they really do with their days? Why does hatred have so many disguises and love, none? Did all the trouble first start, when we could not longer speak to the animals, or when we forgot we ARE animals? What is the chamelion's secret?

    The hall monitor for this test is an ant who has agreed for the time being to not eat the plants on the window sill till you are done taking the test.

    this is one of the few tests within which there are no 'right' answers with finality.

    and with love


    "Sanity Test about What Really Matters," by CP Est├ęs, ©1990, all rights reserved, from La Mystica, A Book of Prayer

  17. (the above is the comment that I wanted to post earlier, lifted entirely from the facebook page of Dr. C P-E, who has through her thoughts and words had a positively transformative impact on my life. except i'm still too shy or shame-ridden or guilty or something to write anything that I'll ever give to anyone to read)

    This post just seemed connected, is all.

  18. I still think it is time to let her go Mrs Moon. She has gone through enough. Hold her one more time, hug her, and let her go... If I would be Pearl, that is what I would ask you. It's hard, stone hard, heart hard, but you must let her go... can't let this go on any further... I have tears for her and you today. But please let her go....


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.