Monday, May 30, 2011

Am I Just A Lazy Ass?

Funny, I let my fourth blogoversary pass without notice last week sometime.
Four years. Of this.

When I started the blog, the first post I wrote was about the weather, the drought we were experiencing. And here we are again- smack dab in the middle of another. Drybone, drybone, dry-leaves-turning-yellow, falling-off-the-tree drybone.
I remember that then, four years ago, I felt this need to do something, even knowing that I could not do much beyond water what was in my yard and that didn't even extend with any effectiveness past the smaller things. The giant oaks were on their own, although I do admit to taking a hose and hanging it over the railroad fence and letting it run on the biggest oak in this yard, one of the biggest I've ever seen anywhere.
I knew it would do no good but I couldn't help doing it.

This year I feel no compulsion to water the giant live oaks. Perhaps I have come 'round in my thinking to be less co-dependent, even as to applies to wildlife. I don't know.

Maybe I've just become resigned. This could be. I wake up every day and I'm resigned to what is and I've not got the energy to fight certain things.
I don't see this as a good thing.
I just see it as the way it is.
I am resigned.

A lot has changed in four years. Jessie has grown up, gone to nursing school, graduated, moved to Asheville. Lily has gotten married, had my first grandson. Perhaps Owen has something to do with this resigned inertness of mine. I see in him the inevitability of life and its continuing in one form or another and besides that, I am busy taking care of him, ensuring that continuation in my own grandmother way. I have chickens now. The garden is a good one this year. I have my chores to do, my little life is designed around them, the taking-care of what I can reasonably take care of and frankly, not much else.

In a way, I rail against my resignation. I see it as a personal failure on my part. Oh, not the fact that I don't put the hose on an oak tree which is probably four hundred years old. No, more like I'm not trying to change the world in any way. I am not doing research to cure cancer or even writing letters to the editor of my local paper. I am, as John Lennon said, "Sitting here watching the wheels go 'round and 'round." And then, as he also said, "How I love to see them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round. I just had to let it go."

Ironically, that was written when he was in the midst of a coming-back. He took the guitar off the wall and he and Yoko went back into the studio and together recorded one of the most beautiful albums ever made. To my mind, anyway.

Right before he died.


Owen is coming very soon and will be here today with me and in that way, I am on the merry-go-round. I race after him, he is always on the horse in front of me and there is no way to catch up with a 21-month old. And there are dishes to put away from last night before he gets here. Oh, what food we had!
And really, that's all I plan to do today. Take care of that boy, keep things tidy around here, move the hose around a bit.

The Serenity Prayer is one of the simplest pieces of advice ever. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

The hard part is, of course- the wisdom to know the difference.

And what is resignation and what is serenity? What is letting-go and what is being a fucking lazy ass?

I don't know. And even if I do, maybe I'm just tired.

Move the hose. Water the beans. Change the boy's diapers. Do the laundry. Tidy up the kitchen. Accept the fact that there is no rain in sight.

Toss around my thoughts here.

For now, today, that's enough.

What do you think? What is acceptance and serenity and what is giving-up?

What is choosing your battles and what is letting others fight them?
What is worth fighting for or against and what is just...not...worth it?

I don't know.
Do you?


  1. Giving up would have you too listless to watch Owen and enjoy him. I think we are all lazy asses in some respect. Even the workaholics have lazyass somewhere in the back of their minds as a goal in life when they think they have enough. Some of us accept less. Acceptance is the key. When we are younger, we want the world to change - whether we change it or it decides to accommodate us. One day, we realize most things are beyond us to change if we haven't already. So we do what we can in our own small space and leave the rest for younger, more energetic people.

  2. What Jeannie said. I have been trying to find the line between acceptance and apathy for a while now. I think it is all serenity. The 'lazy ass' is just the little voice of judgement inside, the mind telling its little story. These days I tell the little mind with its little story to STFU. Then I think globally, act locally and do the next right thing.


  3. I pick my "battles" now. If I feel content on the inside and my head and heart are aligned, then I am okay. I have done the running around and doing for all. It burned me out. Now I keep the focus on myself. I take care of my needs. Others can do the same. Of course, I share responsibilities. Today, it is about balance.

  4. living in my wilting body i have had to let go of so many wondrous things.
    it is the recurring theme in my life. i learned with so little "time" and no assurance for any more tacked on..
    to let go with grace, just lay it down the reinvent myself quickly, as there is no time to waste. i think as people age they come to this stage too, this distilling of life. in the end our choices become more profound, being sure to see the sunrise...plant seeds in the ground, keep our hearts attentive to the very voice of life. our families...friends..

    the smell of rain, the knowledge that the world will keep spinning after we are long gone so we might as well feel the earth move, join the birds singing in a new day.
    make a difference in the impossibly small yet holy ways of being present and giving ourselves fully.

    even though you are not moving the hoses to the ancient do move the nurturing water of your soulfulness around us all. thank you for being here day after day, season after season. you really are a full moon of necessary light in the hearts of many.

  5. Perhaps it is just a phase you're going through, Ms. Moon. And besides, if it brings you contentment, why worry about it? I do wish though, that you'd write a book, or get the one you wrote published.
    I've become more resigned with the passing of years, and it drives my husband crazy, at times, because he is so driven as a person in both his personal and professional life. But that's ok. Contentment is a hard thing to come by. And I have found it.

  6. I actually do think we know what battles are worth the fighting and which are not -- that is, unless we're entirely self-deluded, and those of us who even ask the question are probably not self-deluded.

    Congrats on the blogaversary. You have brought untold numbers of blessings into my life --

    Love, always, to you and yours.

  7. I've been reading and enjoying just too tired (lazy?)to respond. Happy Anniversary. 4 years is amazing and wonderful.
    This is my first summer with no Susie to help with the garden, watering, mowing the lawn. I am supposed to be getting the garden in this weekend and I'm so overwhelmed. I feel lazy but maybe I just need to learn how to accept that I can't do as much and do what I can do. Let the garden be smaller, give some more of my seedlings away instead of trying to plant them all. I just keep looking out the window at the huge garden that needs me out there working and turning away with a sigh. You're helping me get out there. Thank you. Have fun with O.

  8. Jeannie- I guess you're right. Some people seem to have the fire until they die. Not me. I'm not sure I ever had much.

    Invisigal- I loved that. Thank you.

    Syd- Yeah. Some of us overdid too early, I think. Bless you.

    rebecca- Perhaps that is it exactly. As we get older, we realize what life is- the planting of seeds, the nurturing of children, the sunrises and sunsets, the opening of blossoms, the dishes, the clean sheets. This is life. And why should we miss any of it while we're here?
    Bless you honey and million times over.

    Angie M- Yes. We all come to acceptance at different ages. It's something to think about, isn't it? I know. The writing. It seems to me that every bit of what I want to do with it I can do right here. Is that wrong? Is that a cop-out? Oh hell. I don't even know. But yes, I am content. Mostly.

    Elizabeth- When I wrote that about the battles, I was thinking of you and the battles you fight every single day for your daughter. How you have to pick the ones that are the most important and how ALL of them are hard. You have no idea how you inspire me and comfort me and amaze me and delight me. Love to YOU AND YOURS!

    Bethany- Yes. Keep the garden to a size where it is a pleasure, not a burden. Please! You can do so much in a small space and you will end up producing more because you'll be able to give more attention to what you have! I would be overwhelmed, doing a garden by myself. I would probably end up with a few pots of tomatoes. Love you, darling girl.

  9. Ah yes, well I'm still in the working life, midwifing even. Sheesh. It is so time-consuming and exhausting. Then there is the garden and poetry and painting and sitting around. And my new my age, really.

    So I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Traffic-piffle. Cat hair on the sofa-who cares. I think I'm actually a nicer person because I am older.

    Please look for a Will Stafford poem that begins, "you the very old"

    It is a beautiful life, even with those bastard yellow flies.

    X Beth

  10. Nope. I don't know shit. I can talk shit, but I don't know shit.

  11. I don't know either, Mary. And I don't have the time or inclination to feel guilty over it, if it is just being a lazy ass. I don't frankly care. It's just how I get through the damn day. When you are depressed, you just try and make it through the day.

  12. Dearest Mary, you must do whatever you want and not worry about it. You're amazing the way you look after everyone and everything around you xx

  13. I for one am very glad that you started your blog and that I'm lucky enough to have found it.

  14. Beth- I didn't have the energy to midwife in my thirties. How do you do it? AND a new love? And everything else? Ah-yah, let the dirt and dust GO! Looking for the poem. Haven't found it yet.

    Andrew- Me too!
    Or, me either?

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- There is that element. Damn. I love you.

    Terena- And I feel lucky to have found you.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.