Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Open Letter To Wes Anderson

Dear Wes,
Since I do not have your e-mail address, I am forced by circumstance to address you in this way, a way which I feel quite sure will never, ever get your attention but one must do whatever one can.

One is sometimes surprised, the way I myself was when I wrote about the vibrators they sold in the Vermont Country Catalog and I got a comment from Lymon Ortmon, the freaking PROPRIETOR of the catalog! No, they did not send me any vibrators and actually, they even quit sending me the catalog but still- it's this sort of thing which can give a girl hope.
You know?

So. Yes, here is my first and last-ditch effort to get in touch with you and what I want to talk to you about is that I see you have cast your next movie which is supposedly going to be entitled Moonrise Kingdom.

Now. As I have said in this very blog on previous occasions, I would do almost anything to join the holy ranks of those who work with you in films.
I realize that perhaps you already have all of your actors cast. However, I am thinking that up 'til now, you did not realize that I would be available. Easily made mistake. I've just this very week gotten my own IMDb page. Please, feel free to go there and check it out. No, there's no picture. I hear that you have to PAY to get a picture. But you can go see my work! Go ahead. I'll wait.

Back already? Huh. Well, let me assure you that I have exactly what you look for in your actors, which, as far as I can tell, is an interesting face capable of expressing quite a bit of emotion (seriously- a reviewer said that about my face! a REVIEWER!) and also, the ability to "do" deadpan.
Hey! I can do deadpan so well that people frequently do not realize I am joking. See what I mean?
I am good at that, darling. May I call you darling? I hope so.

I have other acting talents. I am able to memorize long passages of script in record time. To be truthful, record time translates to "longest amount of time ever taken in history," but to make up for that, I am very good at the ad lib, a skill I have perfected on the stage. When I forgot my lines. See? I not only have screen experience, I have stage experience as well.

And I'm not expecting a major role to begin with. A very small one would do. I am a firm believer that there are no small roles, only small actors. Who said that? Billy Barty? I am not sure but he should know. I could even help you write a role in for me. Because when I'm not acting, I'm writing. I am published daily, right here on Blogger. I hit that "Publish Post" button at least two times a day.
No. I am not one of your one-trick ponies. Not me.

And...sigh. Even if you do not any role for me at all, I do have many other talents which could come in handy on a film set. I'm a good tidier. For some reason, I would think that film sets could get very messy. I'm good at doing laundry. And yes, yes, okay! I have admitted that I would wash your underwear if that's all you needed from me. And I would. Cheerfully. That underwear could be given to me in any state of besoiledness and I could return it spanking clean and soft and well-folded! I promise you! With a smile! (An expressive smile, at that. On my interesting face.)
Clean toilets? You bet!
Sweep floors? I'm your gal!
Clack that clacker thing? I could learn.
Fluffer? Oh wait. You don't make that kind of movies. But if you did...well. One must sacrifice for one's art, right?

The point here is, Wes, that I am fifty-six years old and I ain't getting any younger. Neither are you, but that's neither here nor there. My very talented friend and filmmaker, FC Rabbath has promised me that if he gets rich and famous, he will still want me for his films. I am quite sure that FC (or, Freddy, as I call him!) IS going to achieve fame and fortune but Wes, YOU ALREADY HAVE! And I'm all for taking shortcuts. Especially at my age.

But mostly? I adore you. I adore your work. Frankly, I'm not really that into movies. But yours? Oh yes. I watch them over and over again. I sit there and I laugh and I cry and I sigh with delight and I say, "Look at those faces!" No one, Wes, does faces like you do. No one.

I'm not just saying that either. I'm too old to kiss ass.
Unless you want me to!

I know you're a busy man, Wes My Love. May I call you My Love? I hope so. So I'll just sum it all up right here and say, "Hire me. If you don't like me, you can fire me. Easily done."
You can hire me to act or wash your underwear. Or cook food for your dying dog or even grandmother. I'm good at that, too, which I forgot to mention. I'm good at cooking for the dying. AND living! But I assume you already have that Craft Services contract all set up.

Call me, honey. May I call you honey? I hope so. I'm in the book. Also, you could email me. My email address is over there in that sidebar thing. I'd say you could text me but, uh, I don't really open my cell phone but once a week or so. For you, though, I would LEARN to text. I'd learn so good I could be your official texter. I'd even SEXT for you! Isn't that a word you young people use?
See. I may be a grandmother but I'm hip. I'm cool. AND grandmotherly.

One last thing.
You do know my last name is Moon, right? And the title of your film is Moonrise Kingdom, right? Do you believe in signs, destiny, omens and all that other garbage? I HOPE SO!

Waiting breathlessly to hear from you. Have your girl call my girl. Don't have a girl? I COULD BE YOUR GIRL! YOUR GIRL THAT CALLS OTHER GIRLS! I COULD DO THAT!
For you, Wes, I could do anything.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Wes Anderson, you should do as Mrs. Moon says. Now go ahead Wes Anderson and call Mrs. Moon.

  2. Perfect. Wes would be a silly man not to call you up.

  3. Now that is true devotion. I totally think he should have you in his next movie. Because I've seen you, and you are good.

    (You may want to take out the part in which you seem to suggest that he is likely to crap his pants on a regular basis, needing someone to rescue them from the terrible soiledness. That may be a downer to him.
    Apart from that? Best job application I've ever read.)

  4. Brilliant! Wes should definitely call you!

    I love your "expressive and interesting face"

    Love you Mary Moon xx

  5. He would be a fool, a fool to pass this up.

    I talked to Jason Schwartman on this press call a while back and the way he described Wes' process of shooting Fantastic Mr. Fox is creative porn (no fluffer needed.) Seriously, to simply be on his set would be a dream come true. I completely understand your plea.

    (The audio from that interview is here, in case you are interested...
    http://www.debontherocks.com/?p=554 )

    Good luck Ms. Moon.

  6. Ms. Moon I will squeal with joy when I see your wonderful, expressive face in a Wes Anderson movie.

  7. as with most of the untalented hags around this little circle, you're neither funny or particularly intelligent, but sorta like a dyslexic Erma Bombeck coming down from a crack buzz, playin' a bit online whilst the phamily's asleep.

    i mean that in good way of course

  8. I believe he will find you. I believe it with all my heart.

  9. Rebecca- Your lips to Wes's ears.

    DTG- That makes me happy.

    honeyluna- Now that you're leaving me, I'll need something new in my life. (Tee-hee.)

    Mwa- Ooh. Well. You're probably right.

    Christina- I'm thinking any moment he'll be on the phone.

    Deb- I went over and there and read but the audio link isn't working for me. YOU GOT TO TALK TO JASON SCHWARTMAN? Awesome.

    Stephanie- Me too!
    And then pigs will fly out my butt.

    101 etc.- Oh. You're such a clever fellow. Well, here's the deal- it's so easy to find NON-hags to hang out with. I know who you are so let me say this- come back and comment again and you're deleted. But I'll let this one stand. I always wanted to be Erma Bombeck. So thanks!

  10. That last comment made me absolutely laugh out loud! We are a strange little band of hags, I suppose ;) Too funny.

  11. You know who it is??? That intrigues me...

  12. I do hope you hear back from Wes. A public letter like this might do the trick. Someone might whisper in his ear. We live in hope.

  13. Madame King- Wouldn't it be funny?
    He could talk about it in interviews.

    SJ- Hags! I love it!

    Mwa- Well, internetally speaking only. Thank god.

    Elisabeth- Isn't it the truth? This is why people buy lottery tickets.

  14. DTG- Nope. Some demented worshipper/stalker of another one of us blog-hags. She warned me about him. I'm assuming that's who he is. He's commented before and I've always deleted.

  15. I'm going to pass it along to my big Hollywood friends. :)

  16. Elizabeth- WHAT??!! You have big Hollywood friends? And here I've been, all this time, just adoring you for being you.

  17. Hooray for your IMDb page!! You are a star.

  18. I would pay Wes Anderson $50.00 for the right to rest my head on Jason Schwartzman's shoulder for five minutes. I feel like if I approached JS directly he would be scared off. But if Wes convinced him, to the tune of my $50.00 in his skinny corduroy jeaned pocket, I'd be in.

  19. Lora- Yes. In my own mind. Haha!

    silverfinofhope- Hello! Welcome. I would pay $500 to rest my head on Bill Murray's shoulder for fifty seconds. But we all know that. Lovely comment. Come back soon.

  20. Well, you have convinced me. And what is with the hag comment from 101 etc. Said person must suffer from cephalorectal inversion.

  21. Dearest Ms Moon (may I call you dearest?),

    You go, girl. I've obviously set my sights too low, just trying to get published in The Sun...gawd.

    I can TOTALLY see you in a Wes Anderson movie. My daughter lives in Los Angeles and she knows some people, need I say more?

    Thanks for treating us to your stalker. Erma Bombeck, yeah!

    Beth, your fan

  22. Syd- Would that translate to "ass hat"?

    Beth- You may always call me dearest. Well, I sent this out without a hope but one never knows.
    You have seen the last of this stalker. I assure you. He only wants recognition. Or something. But that WAS sort of fun, wasn't it? I am so grateful that I do not have any idea what coming down from a crack-high feels like. So grateful.

  23. I bet ass hat knows all about coming down from a crack high.

  24. Bwahahaha! Oh, Miss Moon, if only I had a Wes Anderson connection through my exalted (ha!) position as Empress of Culture at the Democrat, I would hook you up so fast your grandmotherly (ha!) head would spin! This is the best solicitation letter I have EVER read! You definitely oughta be in pictures - Wes Anderson pictures.

    Your fan,

  25. That is cute as hell. If you don't get a response, there is no God. Well, I know there likely really isn't, but it's a useful figure of speech.

    Love you so!

  26. Kati- Really, I just want to get to meet Bill Murray. Mostly. You're precious. I love you. Come see my chickens soon.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Hahaha! That was the best. I adore you.

  27. Ms. Moon, you are hilarious. Hilarious.


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