Monday, May 23, 2011

Late Afternoon

No. I'm not good for anything today. The laundry done is the high point of my productivity. I did take a good walk, turned red in the heat and felt all right but I took a nap of ridiculous length and now I suppose I could go out into the garden and weed some beans and I probably should but somehow, I don't have it in me. Not one bit.
Yeah, maybe I do. I don't know.

Tomorrow the dentist and take Mother to the place where she's going to be living for an interview with the dude who seems to be in charge of the floor where she'll be. That'll be fine.
And tomorrow is May's real birthday and maybe I'm just weary today because all those years ago I was in labor now, walking, walking, ten miles down the road from where I am right now, Hank not-quite two and off with his Aunt Lynn to let me labor with all my forces and neighbors dropping in with treats, the hippie grapevine in full service, I can hear you now.

Ya. I am just completely flat today. I have nothing. Don't care, either, but how odd I feel. Strangely anxious but maybe it's just this heat, so sudden after such unseasonable coolness, rushed in as if a late guest to a party, oh hello, traffic was awful, here I am now, don't worry, I'll make you sweat.

I gave the chickens fresh water and I gave them watermelon, too. I am kind to chickens. It's easy.

They say you don't remember childbirth but it seems to me as if lately I have been able to recapture that feeling of pushing a baby out. I wonder why. That whole this-is-impossible-and-impossible-not-to-do thing. That moment when your body becomes all portal, nothing else, an entry-way into life for life.

I remember it. Don't care what they say. They say a lot of shit. A lot of it? Ain't true.


  1. I always find that when I am really hurting or afraid reading your blog brings me comfort. For that, I thank you and love you.

  2. I remember it too, Mary. Natural childbirth. HA! If there was a next time I would have been put completely out and have them give him to me when he was five and talking.

    I offer you a creamsicle in love.


  3. I know that it's lame, but I say don't beat yourself over not wanting to or not doing anything in particular. Let it be that kind of day.

    Love to you --

  4. I don't remember much of anything - but I remember all of the Bob Rosenberg coming into the world stuff. Cranky and miraculous.

  5. I remember pushing both my babies out too. Not as much the pain as the pressure, the feeling of my very bones shifting.

    Also, you do not have to be super-duper productive to be worthy.

  6. Maybe you used up all your May 23rds.

  7. I am tired today and also took a nap. It felt good.

  8. Maggie May- Well. I feel so discouraged today but that...well, that gave me something I really needed to hear. Thanks.

    Madame Radish King- Ah, I love the babies best and didn't want to miss a second of that. I'll take that creamsicle, though.

    Elizabeth- Oh hell. I weeded the beans. I guess I earned my keep.

    Lisa PR- I think we'll remember on our death beds.

    Lora- Yes. That incredible shift of our bodies to make room for life.

    DTG- And my June 9ths and September 26ths (for sure!) AND my April 31sts.

    Syd- Naps are heaven.

  9. Your blog is a joy and Radish King's comment made me laugh.

    You're a brilliant mother, I wish I'd had you! xx

  10. hey. you got your laundry done. that's HUGE in my book


  11. How could you not remember? Must be something the men say - or the women in the 50's/60's who were put under for it.

    Sounds freudian.

  12. While the pain of the actual birth (head full crowning / bulging, shoulders oooo) is dulled I will never forget by 4 kids birth. My rite of passage into womanhood...

    As to leaves me all messed up in the head. I just want to sit and drink ice tea and hope the heat goes away. Not what I truly want because I don't want to sit I want to live! But heat zaps all my energy. Grab some ice tea today Mary...

  13. I have felt uneasy all week. I think it's all this rapture bullshit and strange weather everywhere.

    Fuck it.


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