Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Let's Just Say

Let's just say that once upon a time there was a, well, older, woman whose mind was going a bit. Slipping on the old cogs, you might say. And you can say that yes, that's a tragedy when it happens and it is and let's also say that being around her for any length of time can produce mild insanity as certain stories and facts and events are related again and again and again.
Over and over.
And let's say that besides this sort of mental slipping, there is also occurring a major dissolving of social filters.
And let's also say that this woman was taken to see the place where she was about to move and she had a bug up her butt that day. Major bug and hell, you can't blame her. The cogs may be slipping but who in this world wants to have to condense everything they own into just enough to fit into one 240 square foot room and who in this world wants to have to give up her freedom to come and go and sit and watch her birds and move into assisted living?
No one. Not even someone not in their right mind.
And so she had an attitude. She didn't like the living area of the floor, even though there were OTIS SPUNKMYER COOKIES BAKING IN A CLEVER LITTLE OVEN CREATING THE HOMEY AND COMFORTING SMELL OF FRESHLY-BAKED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FLOOR, and she didn't like the room and she didn't like anything.

Because it was not going to be hers.

But then everything she brought up that she was not going to have- a kitchen area, a place to keep her ice cream bars, her coffee pot, a place to get ice- was shown to be not a real concern because within steps of her room was a lovely little dining area where all of these would be available twenty-four hours a day along with sandwiches and salads and canned peaches and yogurt and at meal times there would be hot entrees and if you didn't like that, you could go down a floor where even more delicious food would be available.

But then she saw a bowl of fruit in the hallway. A bowl of apples and bananas and oranges, just sitting there, waiting for her to come and take whatever she wanted and her heart softened a bit.

And everyone she talked to was lovely and welcoming and nowhere was there the least scent of oldness or pee or any of those nasty smells, just Otis Spunkmeyer and fresh fruit and new paint.

So she relaxed. Let's just say this woman relaxed.

She relaxed so much that when she got in her car with her daughter and her granddaughter, and her daughter pointed out that there had been men on her floor as well as women, she said, "I don't care about that. I've had all the men I care to have."
And then, and then, AND THEN! she said (or may have said), "I have my vibrator. That's all I need."

Let's just say that happened.
And then let's say that she giggled and said, "You didn't know your old granny knew about things like that, did you?" And she giggled again.

Let's just say that the daughter and granddaughter were rendered speechless.

Then let's say that over lunch, where her son-in-law may have been eating with them, she BROUGHT THE VIBRATOR UP AGAIN! which rendered the son-in-law not only speechless, but unable to look up from his Tandoori chicken.

And then let's say that someone (0h, maybe the daughter) wrestled with herself because JESUS CHRIST THIS IS BLOG GOLD! and so she maybe decided to write a little story.

You don't have to believe it. It might not even be true.

Let's just say that maybe Mother may request the nightly bed check to be omitted in her case.
I don't know.

All I know is that what I learned today is that there is no situation in which you cannot find something to laugh about. And that there is definitely hope for sex well into the eighties. Of one sort or another.

And that the place my mother is moving into is seriously one fine assisted living facility. That there are classes on everything from hula dancing to tai-chi to water aerobics and there are experts who come in and give lectures on all sorts of continuing learning topics and there is a beautiful auditorium where they have weekly concerts and there is transportation and there is...

Fruit in a bowl in the hallway.

And I have a feeling that within a few weeks of moving in, this lady is going to wonder why she waited so long. She's going to be too busy and too happy and too full of delicious available-at-all-hours snacks and meals and fruit to even begin to miss her drawers and drawers of old sweaters she never wore anyway.

Well. That was my day. Maybe.

How was yours?


  1. Brilliant!
    Thanks for the double giggle as I wait to bust out of this little library and get home to my...uh, dinner.

  2. Hilarious, and not at all scarring. Though I am glad I wasn't there.

  3. Um, that is fucking hilarious!!!

    Assisted living sounds like an old person's version of dorm living and I'm not ashamed to say that I will probably enjoy it :)

    What did I do today? I went to Baltimore. And it was not raining. Damn.

  4. Hey, it is beginning to sound good to me. My mother really enjoyed her place when she lived down town. She was within walking distance of all kinds of things and she did a lot.

  5. Oh, Ms. Moon the stories I could tell you about sex and the elderly. I wish I could have seen Mr. Moon's face-priceless for sure! :)

    Your mom will have good days and bad. I'm glad today was on the good side.

  6. Oh, my god. I am laughing aloud. And at this point in my life, ready to move in there as well. Particularly is said folks visit me, too.

  7. Wow. My mother decided that, because I was a women's health care worker, she could ask me anything. So she asked about 'sexual aids' for 'Aunt Kay'. Uh-huh, I knew the truth. And then she told me she put 'The Joy of Sex" under my Dad's pillow with a few bookmarks for emphasis.

    Gawd. All this from a woman who could barely get the words out when explaining sex to me as a 12 year of.

    The loose cogs are maybe a good thing, especially now that mine are slipping.

  8. OK....just as I was starting to feel the deathly grip of Things to Come with my own mother......i got to the vibrator part. And I had a mouth full of grapes and I snorted. And they went all over the computer screen. And I coughed for like an hour.

    This may have been a tough day for you, Moon, but it will LONG live in my memory of the time I was caught off guard with hilarity.

    I like those moments.

  9. Lordy, Lordy that was a very good day Ms. Moon.

    I know your heart must be eased.

  10. Oh Ms Moon... words fail me... Pure Gold! And I felt icky when I found my daughter's one! That must have been... oh, now you got me thinking about my mother... eww, stop it!

  11. WOW! I've never heard of such an amazing place. I kind of want to move in. It almost gives me hope for when I'm old.

    That story - true or not - is indeed blog gold. And must have been SO awkward to deal with! But hurray for her, really.

  12. OK, I've sort of stopped laughing enough to type.

    Blog Gold! Indeed!

    Lucky Grandson, Poor Son in Law. He will get over it when the shock wears off. These are the sort of moments that make life worth it all. Kind of like the first time I heard my Mother say 'Shit'. I know, no comparison, but it's all I've got.

  13. Wonderful day for certain. This has tickled me.

  14. Aw, you know, when I said everthing was going to be fine, I never factored in VIBRATORS.

    So glad everything's working out ok :)

  15. Christ, maybe this lady is actually somewhat fun deep down inside. Who knew?

    This tickled me. Glad the lady's attitude changed for the better.

    I love you, Mary Moon.

    Hank's comment made me smile.

  16. I LOVE THIS! My God in heaven, I HOPE that the granddaughter decides to make a post, because I would just LOVE to hear her version too!!!

    I'm so happy it started icky and turned out well rather than the other way around. I am also in agreement that granny is going to love her new digs. Socializing when she wants and not when she doesn't... No having to cook, but having great food available. What's not to like. I wish I could afford it, I'd move in myself! hee hee. When I get old, I will be either living in a box or with my sister. I know this. No fruit in my bowl. She is a lucky woman.


  17. That's pretty damn funny! Sounds like you are describing Harbor Chase. We had to move my dad in there about a year ago. Nice place, clean, friendly people and hopefully they will not mention the "uh hmmm." My dad had the same reaction to moving in too. Didn't matter that he was falling once or twice a day (didn't matter to him, he couldn't remember it anyways...) and that his wife could barely help him. Once in, things got better. I think your mom is probably secretly looking forward to moving in. Takes a lot of the worry away from her and family. Maybe that is why she felt comfortable talking about things. Good luck with it all. Hard decision and hard to do but necessary.

  18. Oh my gosh I think I'm speechless too! That is so funny. I think I might have to get the name of this place she is moving into from you because it sounds pretty wonderful to me.

  19. Bethany- What are you saying????

    DTG- Just watch out. She may start discussing this in your presence too.

    SJ- We should all end up in someplace as nice as this one.

    A- I know!

    Lisa PR- The place where she is going to be living is one freaking great thing after another. I swear.

    Syd- I think that Mother is going to love it.

    Mel's Way- Okay. We have hope. All of us. Thanks, baby.

    Elizabeth- I'm ready to move in too. Jesus, it's gorgeous.

    Beth- My mother never talked to me about sex except when she found my BC pills, she offered to help me pack to move out because the thought of me "screwing" my boyfriend upset her sex life. ARRRGGGGHHHHH!

    Omgrrrl- I just don't even try to eat grapes these days.

    Angella- It totally is. This place where she's moving is about a million times better than anything I could imagine.

    Sandy- I'm so sorry.

    Mwa- Awkward. Yes. That is the word.

    Andrew- Just wait. First you hear the word "shit" and then...

    Jill- Tickled me too. But not in a great way.

    Jo- Who knew?

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- I so wish you could have been there. So wish.

    Ms. Fleur- Exactly! We should all be so lucky.

    Scott and Lois- Westminster Oaks. The best. Trust me.

  20. how did you get in there so quick? that place has a waiting list a mile long. or so i heard.

  21. That's hilarious! I can just picture Mr M staring into his tandoori chicken trying not to think about it. Thanks for sharing, it cracked me up.

    I'm glad the place is so good, I'm sure your mum will be happy there xx


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