Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Mixed Blessing

Back when I was a Weight Watchers leader, this was, of course, the hardest time of the year. Numbers at meetings dropped off like Enron's stock after the big announcement and the members who did show up had more excuses for gaining weight than Dolly Parton has wigs.
And every damn meeting our little program thingee that we were supposed to follow was all about how to "survive" the holidays without gaining weight.
It is possible, of course, but the strategies are so lame and almost impossible to follow. Eat a bowl of vegetable soup before you go to the party. (Is that before or after the pre-party martini?) Drink at least one glass of water between each drink. (How often do you really want to pull those panty-hose down to pee?) Go for the wine cooler rather than the Eggnog. (Are you kidding me?) Don't stand around the buffet table. (Then where? In the kitchen? The bathroom? The buffet table is where everyone IS.) Fill your plate mainly with raw vegetables and the fresh fruit. (That stuff is to eat? I thought it was for decoration.)

It was pretty hopeless and we all knew it but we, the faithful, hung in there.
The dreaded holiday parties.

Well, I've found a new way to deal with those particular diet-busters. It is- have no social life and you won't get invited to any holiday parties!

This works well for me.

Seriously- I have not been invited to one. Well, okay, I have been invited to TWO solstice parties but I have rehearsal that night.

The place where Mr. Moon has his office used to have a big old holiday party. They threw a wingdinger. People dressed up, they rented a nice place, there was a sit-down meal, alcohol flowed freely, there were door prizes and bonuses were passed out and if you were lucky, you could take the centerpiece home!
Now they have a lunch catered at the office. From Moe's. Do you have Moe's? I like Moe's fine but that's a real come-down from a holiday party with a DJ and open bar. Plus, I wasn't even invited to the Moe's lunch. Didn't even get a damn free burrito.

And the hunting club Mr. Moon belongs to had a pot-luck last Saturday night after hunting hours. I was invited to that.
No. I did not go. I did make chili to send. I did my part. I hear I missed a few buckets of fried chicken and that does make me sad but so be it. Prairie Home Companion was on.

And that's it for my social calender this year. I know I should be embarrassed for having such a pathetic life. It's CHRISTMAS! Even dog catchers have a damn office party.
I guess.

But housewives do not and if my friends are having Christmas parties, they have not invited me, with the sweet exceptions of the solstice parties.

But you know what? I am not embarrassed. I am, quite frankly, relieved.

I do not have to figure out an outfit to wear to a party. This means- no BRA! Also, no tears as I try to fit myself into something that I may have worn with easy glory just a few years ago. I don't have to buy any fancy stockings. No fishnets, no glitter-down-the-side black hose. I don't have to wear heels. I do not have to do my hair and make-up.

Nope. I can just stay at home and wear my overalls. Scratch my butt if I want to. (That was for you, Mwa.)
I can eat my own food. I will not be tempted by tiny quiches or rare roast beef or fancy cheeses or baskets of bread. I will not have eggnog presented to me. Nor will there be little brownies with red sugar-glitter or chocolate-covered anything. Or even sugar cookies with icing. Or, or, or...
Hell. It's been so damn long since I went to a Christmas party I can't even remember what they fucking eat at those things.
It was fancy, though, as I recall.

Those Weight Watcher sermons would be lost on me.

So for all of you who are having to experience the torture of one beautiful, glittery party after another this season with all of the temptations and fuss of having to get ready and be beautiful, I say to you-
Sounds like fun.

Enjoy yourself for me, will you? Wear something in red and satin and cut down to your dadgum low-cut bra that pushes those puppies up like little cupcakes on a platter. Enjoy the cold snuggle next to your man as you walk from your car to the warm, brightly lit room where people you know and possibly even like wait with drinks in hand and smile with great, good holiday cheer as you enter the room. Don't fill up your plate with raw vegetables and fresh fruit. Unless it's pineapple. Then it's okay. Pineapple is always delightful. Eat chocolate and lots of things gooey with cheese and buttery crust and laugh and giggle and flirt and put your hand in your man's pocket, either front or back, depending on your mood.
Drink one too many.
Dance. If your shoes get to hurting, take 'em off and dance until those twenty-dollar hose have holes in them.

Because I won't be doing any of those things.
And it's okay! It is! I won't have any of the next-day regret. The Oh My God, what did I SAY to that man (woman, boss)??!! regret.
The hangovers, both of food and strong drink will not be mine. There will be no heartburn.
The expensive clothes which need to go the cleaners, the lost gloves and hats- no- they will not be my problem.

Nope. I'll just be right here in Lloyd, taking pictures of birds eating roaches, cleaning out my chicken's nests, learning my lines, playing with Owen.

So- I am giving you full permission to take at least one thing that happens at those parties which you may have a tiny bit of regret for the next day and you can just hand it off to me.
Say to yourself, "I did that for Ms. Moon!"
And I'll take it on my own blameless shoulders and I'll carry it for you and you can go on, head high and happy.

But you have to tell me about it for it to work. I want to KNOW what I'm taking on.

And I don't do drunk driving and I don't do making-out with people I shouldn't be in out-of-the-way places. (Kisses under mistletoe are the exception here.) Oh- and I do not eat that worm in the bottle of tequila bottles. (People probably don't do that anymore, do they?)

So have a designated driver or call a taxi and dance with the one that brung ya.
And have fun.
Do it for me.
I'd do it for you!

And then let me know all about it. Tell Ms. Moon. Full descriptions.

I am waiting with bated breath. In my overalls. With no bra on.
And no excuse not to gain weight.
Taking pictures of birds eating roaches. Reading the New Yorker. Ecstatic at the idea of having clean sheets. Perfectly content with going to bed at a reasonable hour while all the world is up partying.

And I'm fine with that! Really! I am!

(Wear bright red lipstick. Please. For me.)

Happy holidays. Now go have fun.

Love...Ms. Moon

(P.S. You know damn well that if I WAS going to a party or parties, I would be bitching up a storm. And that's the truth. I'd be moaning and complaining and I'd be awkward at them and say things that offended Christians. I know this for a fact. I still blush at the memory.)


  1. What about taking a little of everything and all of nothing. That's how it works when it comes to losing weight, right?

  2. I am going to a party on Saturday evening. I can guarantee that I won't just be eating vegetables. But no tequila or worms for me.

  3. You better come to that solstice party! You are welcome to come braless and in any shoes you like. I'm assuming you'll wear shoes because it will likely be cold.

    Love you. xo

  4. My office party is always in Jan...I like it that way since Dec gets so crazy.

    Last year we had a Vegas theme and we were supposed to dress up all glitz and glamour. I picked up a sparkly dress at the thrift store and wore fishnet stockings and heels. It was a "costume" but everyone thought I was serious. BTY, I didn't have my boobs under my neck though.

  5. yeah why DONT housewives have parties? not fair.

    same here ... husband is being wined and dined by adoring students..;at least he always brings me a doggy bag...

  6. I think there are far fewer holiday parties now in the US, as a reflection of sober economic realities. (What the hell do I know? I'm in Liberia.)

    Today is our holiday party, which as you know I got bamboozled into paying for. "There will be beer and wine," my boss said. Oh great. Because it's such a good idea for me to get blitzed while I'm bitter about being bamboozled. I have a hard time being appropriate when I'm SOBER. Drunkenness is a free-for-all of things I should never say aloud.

    And you know I'll be passing on regret to you, but darling I was totally going to hand you the making out with somebody I shouldn't. Maybe more than one somebody. There's beer AND wine, you know.

    BTW, wearing all black. But there is cleavage. And spandex. Your fave.

  7. I think most of us bloggers are a wee bit awkward and anti-social aren't we?

    Or is it just me?

  8. I only have the family ones to go to as well. I suspect Babes has one (he did the first year he worked there) but he says he doesn't. I wonder how I embarrassed him. Or maybe they really don't have one any more. I do remember it was awful because it was all the IT people, and Babes was the most normal guy there (I'm also an IT person in a previous life so I'm allowed to say that) and there were snakes and belly dancers and Henna tattooing, and no one was having fun. Or horrified. Just boring. Maybe I don't really care if he's lying or not.

    I would so invite you for a party, though.

  9. Oh and thank you so much for the butt scratching remark. That made me laugh a lot!

  10. Time for some new clothes that fit, methinks, Mary. Maybe your fifties are just going to bring you a bigger size and that be that? May as well be comfortable and not cry about your wardrobe?

    No parties for me neither, not a one. Was trying to organise an evening out for some of my girls, but I think work and Christmas mayhem will push that back to January. I look at all the sparkly dresses in the shops, and I sigh, and can't imagine.

    I've no time for it anyway! Back to workwork work.

  11. well, I have stopped going to these parties after I went to one, where it became so hot on the dance floor so I took off my shirt and danced wild in a thin thrifted (of course!) t shirt and all looked at me, how dare you ! it was even before I started wearing overalls, no, let's have a solstice party with the following dress code: no bras, as much thrifted and comfy clothes as possible, overalls or anything else you feel comfortable in, showing the world how they should enjoy life instead of forcing yourself into tight stuff, seems as if people are still living in the culture of the French court with metal rings around your body etc. etc. it is beyond my thinking capacity to understand why you have to restrain yourself when going to a party !! so let's make an overalls solstice party including our grandkids etc. etc. some day !

  12. No parties for me this year. Hubs had an hors'ouvres party that was teachers only. My office used to have dinner out with spouses, but this year it was employees only for a nice was yesterday which I missed because my boss sent me on a three day trip driving 800 miles all over Tennessee which had rain and ice and snow the other day and it took me 8 hours in the car yesterday and I couldn't make the lunch. And my back needs to be iced but now I have to go to a class party and then into work....and then fly ON SUNDAY to another state for work. Sigh. And then come 12/23 it will be just the 5 of us at home so there is my long-awaited party!
    I'd be bitchin about a party too. Enjoy your overall-wearin bra-less December!

  13. I'm doing nothing for Christmas. My life is pathetic. Maybe I'll put on some old clothes and find a place that's offering free meals to homeless people and go there... but no, I'd be taking away food from people who need it.
    Maybe I'll fast on Xmas day...

  14. I am going to get all hussied up with red lipstick and pincurls and tarty shoes and stay right here and drink coffee by the fire. I might insist that my husband call me "doll" or "cupcake" or some other drunk-boss-to-secretary-affectation.

    My husband's big studio party, that used to be at a historic home with ruby red bedrooms and chocolate fountains is now a lunch in a conference room. I'm relieved. TV people are weird when they drink. They're weird anyway.

  15. I already survived my husband's work holiday party. And I do mean survived. Ugh, at least this year his boss didn't totally offend me. I don't feel like I can say what I really think to his boss, you know?
    Other than that we only have cozy family gatherings, but I will have to wear a bra.

  16. well, i know exactly what you mean...but i do have one xmas party...girls i grew up started as a little get together 20+ years ago and is now like vegas..what happens there, stays there...every year is year we all received and wore, year we took pictures of each other in our pretty bras in our girlfriend's mink coat (she is a career woman and the only one with a fur) and if i recall, i was the only one without a pretty bra...i had one a stretchy, gray nursing bra...i wore the mink we focus on the food as some of us have turned out to be quite good at making it...i do not miss office parties, company parties, family parties...i like my small family gig..but i would not miss the girl's xmas party for anything...i'll let you know if anything good happens this year

  17. I've been having an open house every year since I bought my first house in 1992. I usually have the same food every year and we end up with around a hundred people coming and going during the evening. Some people have been on the invitation list since 1992. Some people get invited one year and if they don't show up (and they don't have a good excuse as to why they didn't show up) they might not get invited back the next year. It's a great group - folks from the Miccosukee Land Coop, folks from my days as an attorney for the County, both of my husbands ex-wives, people we love and people we love to be around. I love being able to bring this group of people whose only connection to each other might just be through me or my husband. It's a wonderfully diverse group. It does get somewhat overwhelming for my husband sometimes so he might "hide out" in the guesthouse for a little while. Just chillin' and enjoying a quiet moment to himself.

    I'm a pretty decent cook (I tried my hand at being a personal chef for a while) so I do all the food myself and have a schedule of when I need to make what. The party is tomorrow and I've already made the whiskey truffles, ginger crinkles, lemon custard squares, marinated mushrooms and mocha chocolate shortbread squares. Burt (my husband) smoked 36 pounds of pork butts last weekend for eastern North Carolina BBQ. Today I'll make the shrimp in a mustard sauce, the southwestern marinated cheese, the Mexican artichoke dip and the asparagus in dried beef. Tomorrow I'll make coleslaw to go with the BBQ and make eggnog. And with all this "fancy" food, the thing that I'll run out of first will be the pigs in blankets. Go figure.

    I almost added you and DTG to the list this year but since neither of you have met me in person, you'd probably think me a stalker. But you'd be more than welcome to use Burt's hideout if you needed. I could set you up with a plate of non-weightwatcher food.

  18. Well, I'm in the antisocial housewive's club too, I guess. And I'm happy to NOT have to figure out what to wear. We do one party every Christmas, our best friends host a crazy PJ party with gag gifts, games and penalty jello shots. It was to be last Saturday, but my friend had her appendix out that morning, so the gala was cancelled. I was relieved because I hate chitchatting with people I see once a year and can't remember their names, and I couldn't figure out what pj's to wear, since I mostly sleep in old ratty t-shirts and sweats.
    I am plumper than I have ever been in my life, thank you hormones, and the whole getting dressed to go out in the world thing sends me into a tailspin. I fantasize about throwing out all my clothes and buying a few tasteful, comfy interchangeable, items and be done with it, but that would require shopping for the elusive items. I am so thrifty and delusional that I haven't yet donated the jeans that don't zip, but who am I kidding? This meno-pouch muffin thing I've sprouted is not going anywhere without liposuction. Sigh.
    So, I'll be having a party of one, or two if my tall, handsome, semi-antisocial guy wants to join me, and I'll invite my girlfriends out for a drink or over for one if I'm feeling up to it. I'm lucky I still have a few friends, who remember me from when I was more fun. I should really work on being a better friend, but time and tired have taken a toll on my fun factor. And I don't miss the hangovers, that's for sure. Happy Holidays Ms. Moon.

  19. Good Lord. I feel like nearly every time I come to this blog, you're having a party yourself. I'm coming over in overalls myself -- not a pretty sight -- and we'll throw our own Christmas fest. I'm bringing my Santa head.

  20. Mama, you came to my holiday party! So there.

    And Jucie: as I was reading your comment I thought, "Why am I not invited to this?" Just so you know. In fact, I should have invited you to mine. And my email is - just sayin'.

  21. I'd hang out with you at a party. I regularly offend Christians, too!

    Sorry to disappoint--we are having an office-closing daytime party luncheon at a BBQ joint this year.

    Also, our tea-totalling CEO always says: A drunk employee is an ex employee.

    What damn fun is that?

  22. I bet you were an awesome weight watchers leader. i bet you were a lot of fun.

  23. Correction - both of my husband's ex-wives - this ain't Utah.

  24. Hey, how about coming to St. Aug. for New Years??? Lis and Lon will be here and Sarah and Butch from bra required!

  25. This post had me snortin' tea out my nose, especially the weightwatcher's party advice. Save this one. You could post it yearly and we'd love it every time.

    Definitely less parties this year and less people in the restaurants and shopping around town this year. But, on the up side, more small dinners with friends. Dinner dates for the next four nights. Santa's Workshop will be sufferin' because of them, though.

    Warm hugs to you, Funny Gal. x0x0 N2

  26. Killing me. Absolutely killing me with this. I'm going to a party on Sunday. Drinks & Desserts. Sounds dangerous. I'll let you know.

  27. Rebecca- Not really. Some things are so densely packed with calories that even a few tiny bites are deadly. Which is why they taste so good.

    Syd- Because you are wise.

    Stephanie- I love you too.

    Ms. Fleur- Okay.

    Mel's Way- Well. Have fun. Report in.

    Screamish- That sounds like the best of all worlds to me.
    Sort of.

    NOLA- For you I will make an exception. I just want to know what it is I'm taking on.

    Agnes- Of course we are! Otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here writing this shit down!

    Mwa- Ha! And I would come if you invited me.

    Jo- I will consider your advice, dear. I will.

    Niels- You crack me up. You are always right on.

    Michele R- I hope they pay you what you're worth! I am enjoying my overalls. Thank-you, love.

    Lucy- I fasted once for Thanksgiving. It was bad. Don't do it.

    Controlling- Yes. We can definitely agree that people are weird. I like your party idea.

    Lora- I will come and punch that boss in the n**ts for you. You are too sweet to be offended.

    Jean- I used to go to a holiday gathering like that. I still should. And you know what? I have a mink. Just a jacket, thought. It's awesome.

    Jucie- Uh. Hello. I am now stalking YOU!

    Mel- I'm with you baby. I am.

    Elizabeth- Tell me when to pick you up at the airport. You'll know me because I'll be wearing overalls.

    DTG- You are right! And I had a FABULOUS time!

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- WHAT? What sort of strange philosophy is THAT?

    Angella- I was. Totally.

    Jucie- I understood from the beginning.

    lulumarie- I know. Lis has already told me. I am trembling.

    N2- Not one thing on this earth makes me happier than making people snort liquids out of their noses.
    Love you, dear fellow grandma.

  28. Ha! Your response to me made me laugh out loud. Mostly because I would enjoy such a thing immensely.

  29. Luckily I already survived the office party! But oh god the regrets... Let's see, Do you want taking a drunken shower at my fiance's boss's house while the boss's girlfriend watched and I discussed my sex life... Or wearing a tedious top that exposed my newly implanted breasts to the world because I was too inebriated to keep it buttoned properly.

    I am still dealing with the guilt and if I could say I did one of them for you it would really help me out :)

    I laughed so hard at this post! Thanks for brightening my morning already!

  30. Lora- And that makes ME laugh.

    Amber- Hmmmm. Let's see. I think I'll take the shower. That sounds like all kinds of interesting.


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