Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Crap and Redneck Women

I am up.
It was not easy to get up today.
Mr. Moon bought us new sheets. Now let me say that in the twenty-seven years we have been together, he has never once bought us new sheets that I can remember. But we'd been talking about getting new sheets since our anniversary and he actually went out and bought some and they are, by far, the most comfortable, lovely sheets I have ever personally slept on.
And it's cold, you know, and there I was in those sheets, warm as I could be and every time I moved a hair my entire body shivered with delight and a tiny bit of ecstasy, just feeling those sheets.
But Jessie spent the night and I wanted to get up and see her and so I did. She made her daddy and herself a breakfast of egg sandwiches. I was like, "But we just ate!" speaking of last night's dinner, of course, and I had a bowl of granola and Jessie had one of those too.
How does she stay so skinny, that girl? Ah, the magic of a 21-year old metabolism.

I've been using the exercycle, the way I said I would and it's okay. I turn on Bravo TV and watch whatever crap is on and peddle away for half an hour and then I fall off the bike onto the guest room bed and regain my legs. Then I eat a fat-free yogurt, a few prunes and almonds and I get fatter every day.


All I want for Christmas is new Goodwill overalls. Kids- that is my Christmas list. Don't get me any with Pooh or Mickey Mouse on them. Why in the world do they put Pooh and Mickey Mouse on adult overalls? I will never, as long as I live, figure that out. But they do. I find perfectly good overalls and joyfully pull them off the rack to see...Pooh.
Back they go.
There is nothing wrong with keeping a child-like heart but I do not care to walk around with Pooh on my overalls. Overalls themselves are bad enough.

Here is a picture of me and Jessie. I am wearing overalls.

Jessie is wearing red lipstick because she is going to a gangster party in Boulder and needed some red lips and she was trying out my offerings in that department. Zeke is wearing his sweater. Doesn't he look like a werewolf? A teeny, tiny werewolf.

I cried when Jessie left a few minutes ago. She is driving to Pensacola tomorrow and then flying out to see Vergil in Boulder. I am happy for her. I want her to go and have adventures and be with the boy she cares about so and I am used to my children being gone for periods of time but still...I cried. It's that sort of day.
Here's Jessie with her daddy:

Who wouldn't cry?

I actually started Christmas shopping yesterday. Billy called me and asked me to lunch with him and Waylon and his grandparents and his sister. I didn't really want to leave Lloyd, but I love those people and so I went. It was mighty good to see them. Billy gave me a mix CD that he made for me and I think my favorite song on the whole thing is one called Cheater, Cheater by Joey and Rory.
Oh hell, let me just post it. Listen for a giggle.

And no, whoever wrote the lyrics out on that one had no clue as to spelling but you'll get the idea. Listen to it at least until you get to the chorus, y'all. (Cheater, Cheater, where'd you meet her/That low-class, white-trash ho?) I mean it!

I do love my Billy. Here he is with his Maw-Maw, Paw-Paw, son Waylon and sister Kellie:

Maw-Maw kept saying, "Hurry up, Mary. I'm cold!"

So anyway, after I left the restaurant I went to the MALL and got a few things and then to Marshall's and got a few things and to Bed, Bath and Beyond with my little coupon in hand but they didn't have one damn thing I needed although that store is packed with crap. CRAP! Christmas crap everywhere you go. Who needs that crap? Not me, baby. Not me.

Then I went to the bookstore to look for calenders and they didn't have what I needed either so I got a coffee and a MacBook for Dummies which I have not read yet and who has time for that? What am I thinking?
I came home and went online and did some shopping there and so hell, I guess I've started the Joyful Christmas Gathering of Gifts.

Fa-la-la-la-lah, la-la-la-FUCK!

I even bought Christmas cards. Last year I didn't send any because I had lost my address book but I found it so no excuse there.

Ah well. It's Christmas time. The most joyful time of the year. When I was in Marshall's some damn Christmas song was playing about how can it be a white Christmas if there's no snow, no snow, no snow?!! And I wanted to shout, WE GET IT! THERE'S NO FUCKING SNOW!
But I didn't, just continued to peruse the purses (and no, I did not get one) and then I got in the car and there was this song on the CD and honeys, check it out too.

These songs just make me want to drink Bud in the bottle in a little dark hole-in-the-wall dive with a twenty-year old fake Christmas tree in the corner, listing off to one side and a pathetic string of lights hung over the bar and play these songs on the jukebox and dance. With all my kids and husband and Billy and Shayla and any of y'all that could make it.
Now THAT would be a fine Christmas.
Especially if they served oysters. There used to be a bar like that in Tallahassee but they tore it down when they widened the road.
Fuck progress.

Okay. I have things to do, believe it or not. I need to haul my fat ass at least as far as the exercycle and maybe start Christmas cards and maybe go to town and maybe just drive around and sing to Billy's mix CD, avoiding any place that might be playing songs about no snow, no snow, no fucking snow.

Good thing that bar's not there anymore.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Those songs are a riot. Thank you and thank Billy too.

  2. I have the biggest girl-crush on Miranda Lambert!!!
    I hang out at a little bar like that, you're always welcome if you ever come to Tejas :) I don't think they serve oysters but they do have bloody Mary Sundays if that counts for anything LOL
    Glad you got a new magic box, was missin your pics

  3. Let me take a moment to say thank you for not having music on your blog--only if I want to click on your links.
    Sidenote: something to look forward to this month: two movies with Jeff Bridges. First, on 12/17, Tron: Legacy comes out. But more excitedly on 12/22 he will rule in the remake of True Grit.

  4. Billy's looking good, huh? And in that picture of dad, he looks like a tall Steve Zissu.

  5. This made me laugh so hard:
    When I was in Marshall's some damn Christmas song was playing about how can it be a white Christmas if there's no snow, no snow, no snow?!! And I wanted to shout, WE GET IT! THERE'S NO FUCKING SNOW!

    I hate fucking Christmas music. It gags the shit out of me.

  6. Thanks for the smile and the laughs this morning. I got both from reading your latest. Hope the exercising and Christmas go well. Take care, and I hope Jessie has a good time in Boulder.

  7. Stephanie- I will!

    Tiffany- I have a crush on her now too. Okay. I'll definitely go to that bar with you if I'm ever down your way. (Up your way? Over?)

    Michele R- Thanks for the heads up! And yeah, I don't like that automatic music on blogs. I can't read and listen to music at the same time.

    DTG- Billy is lookin' damn good. And I told Papa the other day that he looked like Bill Murray. He smiled.

    Ms. Bastard-Beloved- And it was like Doris Day or someone. Jesus.

    Mr. Shife- Thanks for the good wishes and I send them back your way.

  8. I also meant to say that I really love the photos.

  9. Hi Ms. Moon / overalls sister, I'm going to San Francisco in January '11 and staying there through June '11, working at Stanford, living in walking distance to the very best (and cheap!) thrift store for really adult overalls, no pooh !!, so if you want a late or too early christmas gift from your overalls brother, you can have it, just send me your size ! I'm serious ! overall greetings Niels

  10. Overalls and blue plaid everywhere you look; LOVE it. Makes me feel at home! :)

  11. Love the photos of Jessie and her dad and of you both. Your girl is a beauty, she takes after her mom! And the sheets, I do know what you mean. High thread count sheets. Once I discovered them I couldn't go back. Heaven.

    Christmas can be a humbug, but maybe that's just because of the expectations we put on ourselves to make it perfect for everyone. Free yourself to have whatever kind of season you darn well please, Ms. Moon, and I will be over here working on doing the same thing. Love to you, friend.

  12. I hate the mall. I did some shopping online where I don't have to listen to Christmas songs and see a bunch of stuff that I don't want to see.

  13. joey or rory, whichever is playing the guitar is awesome, and the gal singing is cute as a bug when she calls me a cheater. That other gal is irritatin'; I married the dark-hard version.

  14. Isn't it weird - there it is, a daddy who hugs, and Babes does it too, and still I don't really "believe" that daddies can hug their children.

    Seems I am fucked up with the parent stuff these days. (That's a few comments in a row.) Perhaps you don't mean to heal but you do. No denying that.

  15. Ms. Bastard-Beloved- Getting to know your family. It's a good thing.

    Niels- I promise- if the overalls don't show up for Christmas, I'll let you know! You're a sweetie!

    Kori- I didn't even notice all the plaid. I am NOT observant.

    Angella- I am not stressing out yet. That day will come. But for right now, I'm being pretty laid back. I hope you are too.

    Syd- I went directly to where I needed to go, made the purchase and walked directly to where I needed to make the other. Done. Leave. It was not so bad.

    Magnum- I think we all have new girlfriends here.

    Mwa- Daddies CAN and SHOULD hug all they can. Boy kids and girl kids. They should call their children "darling" and "honey" and "precious." And mean it. I swear- there is nothing better to make a child grow up good.

  16. Thanks for puttin' a smile in my day with this music =o))) Thank Billy, too. And I am not even much of a country music gal.

    I am with you on the christmas shopping with musak sound trak. Jiminy Christmas. I try to buy my small list of store bought presents here in our little town of 12,000, but aside from the Goodwill, Salvation Army and antique co-op it is just getting too gentrified for even small presents.

    I had to go down to the nearest mega-burb to Marshalls the other day and after 1/2 hour I felt like I was forcibly pulling myself out of zombie christmas land just before I got hypnotized by the droning music, the strobing fluorescent lights and the shimmering piles of cut price christmas crap. Whew! It is a good thing I listened to that small voice in the back of my head that started shouting "Get out of here and Go Home!"
    Keeses N2

  17. when i was reading about the bar the first thing i thought was, "but they fucking closed the pearl! why did they do that?" i miss your guts sweet mm. glad you liked some of your cd. *grin*

    daddy b

  18. N2- Christmas Muzak is like some sort of weird and cruel torture. We must get IN and get OUT as quickly as possible. If I were a flask-carrying woman, I think it would be more tolerable.

    Daddy B- Billy, I knew you knew.
    I love my CD. I love you more, though.

  19. Wow, Rory and Joey can sure string the expletives! Very funny.

    Nice post.

  20. How about this.... I will send you some Damn Snow. And you can wave your gorgeous mermaid tail and make Christmas go away.



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