I had to tell my brother to leave this evening.
It was hard and so weird but I had to and I did it. He told me I was fucking crazy but he packed up and left.
It's all okay. He's a grown man. I'm a grown woman. And I refused to participate in the conflagration that was set, dry wood piled to the sky with gasoline poured all over it. I would not toss that match.
There's nothing in that sort of bullshit for me any more. I have nothing to prove and no one I need to prove it to.
And I am fine. When I went out to shut the chickens up, Nicey ran to me and let me scoop her up and hold her close to my old bosom where she sagged in relaxation and I petted and stroked her and set her gently on the roost and here I am, alone again in this house that shelters and holds me as gently as I held Nicey. Owen claims that Nicey is as nice as she is because he gave her that name.
Have I told you what he's planning on calling his sister as his own, special name for her?
What the hell have I got to feel bad about?
Not much. In fact, not a damn thing that matters.
I got Keith on the box and I'm about to eat some leftovers. I stretch and breathe in and out, and my boys are coming to see me tomorrow. I ain't no martyr and I don't need to wah-wah about any of it. In fact, I'm just grateful that I finally understood that I was not put here on this earth to protect anyone I did not give birth to.
My brother loves to quote Keith as saying, "Know thyself."
I came to know myself a little bit better today. I have dried my tears and stemmed my fears and as my husband says, "I ain't afraid."
I may have had a horrendous childhood but I've got this life now. And I will not be cowered into believing that I have to believe one fucking part of the lies and deceit of any of that house of horrors of my upbringing any more.
I guess I have to say I'm grateful to my brother for bringing me this realization, finally and at last.
Know thyself. Keith is right. Trust that. Ain't no one on this earth who has your story, your heart, your history, your feelings, your unique and powerful and meaningful presence on this earth. Don't let anyone tell you different. And if they try, tell them to pack their shit and get the hell out.
And don't feel bad about it.