Good morning from Lloyd where I am feeling a bit shaky in my boots today. I ain't gonna lie to you. But it is the most beautiful morning and Owen and Gibson are coming out soon and Jessie says she's bringing out August and it's going to be a good day.
I keep going over things in my head from yesterday, of course, and I keep second-guessing myself. Did I do the right thing?
I have to honestly answer that I did the only thing I could.
I think of all of the positive and beautiful things in my life. I think of the visit I had from my friends yesterday and how they seemed more loving and less stressed than I've seen them in years and that makes my heart so happy. I think of these boys about to come out. I think of Lily offering to come over last night, another friend offering to come out with tequila and her pajamas. I think of the the way the light is painting the oak trees in my yard right this second, the chickens letting me know that they're ready to come out of the coop. I think of the love. The incredible amount of love and the miracle of it. The miracle of all the different types of love in my life and how, over the course of thirty-something years my husband has taught me, showed me, finally, how to love and trust love. To trust enough to love.
My babies came with their own love. That was the easy kind of love.
I think of all of these things and I realize that life is short and there is no reason to spend any more of it than I have to fighting my way towards accepting it, fully accepting the miracle of it.
Sometimes my life feels very small and yesterday my brother told me that I have become so insular that I do not know how to have true, heartfelt conversations. That may have been the thing that ripped it for me because heartfelt conversations are the only kind of conversations I'm interested in.
And my world is not small. It goes all the way up to the sky. It is as big as the human heart. It is as vast as whatever it is you could possibly use to measure love.
Which, I personally believe, would be the universe.
Thank all of you so much for your comments yesterday. It is an unfortunate truth that so many of us have had similar experiences. But here we are.
And now my boys are here and I've cooked two eggs, made a bacon sandwich, and dispensed a giant dill pickle. And I realize I haven't eaten my own breakfast.
Life. The way I like it.