Saturday, November 28, 2015

In Which I Use The Word Miracle More Than I Normally Do

Good morning from Lloyd where I am feeling a bit shaky in my boots today. I ain't gonna lie to you. But it is the most beautiful morning and Owen and Gibson are coming out soon and Jessie says she's bringing out August and it's going to be a good day. 

I keep going over things in my head from yesterday, of course, and I keep second-guessing myself. Did I do the right thing?
I have to honestly answer that I did the only thing I could.

I think of all of the positive and beautiful things in my life. I think of the visit I had from my friends yesterday and how they seemed more loving and less stressed than I've seen them in years and that makes my heart so happy. I think of these boys about to come out. I think of Lily offering to come over last night, another friend offering to come out with tequila and her pajamas. I think of the the way the light is painting the oak trees in my yard right this second, the chickens letting me know that they're ready to come out of the coop. I think of the love. The incredible amount of love and the miracle of it. The miracle of all the different types of love in my life and how, over the course of thirty-something years my husband has taught me, showed me, finally, how to love and trust love. To trust enough to love.
My babies came with their own love. That was the easy kind of love.
I think of all of these things and I realize that life is short and there is no reason to spend any more of it than I have to fighting my way towards accepting it, fully accepting the miracle of it.

Sometimes my life feels very small and yesterday my brother told me that I have become so insular that I do not know how to have true, heartfelt conversations. That may have been the thing that ripped it for me because heartfelt conversations are the only kind of conversations I'm interested in.
And my world is not small. It goes all the way up to the sky. It is as big as the human heart. It is as vast as whatever it is you could possibly use to measure love.

Which, I personally believe, would be the universe.

Thank all of you so much for your comments yesterday. It is an unfortunate truth that so many of us have had similar experiences. But here we are.

And now my boys are here and I've cooked two eggs, made a bacon sandwich, and dispensed a giant dill pickle. And I realize I haven't eaten my own breakfast.

Life. The way I like it.

And I don't feel shaky at all anymore. I just feel good.


  1. Just a thought...if it is indeed true that we transfer our thoughts and fears on to others, it may then just possibly be that it's your brother who actually feels insular and who is not able to speak fully from his own heart.
    It most certainly does not seem to reflect your life and who you are at all, not from who you present to the world through your blog. And, second guessing ourselves...I think it's something most, if not all of us, do!

  2. Hi Ms. Moon, I hope you know a big part of your peace today is that you have what so many of your relatives on your mom's side do not have. I really, really understand what you have been through this weekend and previously. Some relatives had a 24 hour visitation shelf life -- any hour after that is harmful.
    It is bad enough that your Mother used Gaslighting on you but your brother does too. Always trust your intuition as it speaks the truth to you.
    Thinking of you!
    Michele R.

  3. Despite what could have been a terrible outcome for your life you have managed to create one that is filled with so many good and beautiful things. That is a huge thing, you have a huge life and it reaches, at the very least, 2,780 miles - to here!

    Who could not want to kiss those two, little boy, rosy cheeks?

  4. I am here and I am reading. I haven't had much to comment lately but I read you every day and am so thankful for that. Glad you did what you did. I think you are one of the most heartfelt people I "know".

  5. I think you are my own personal hero. Thank you

  6. Thank you for speaking for all of us who have family 'stuff' I had it from older fsmily, younger family, step family, in law family and more. Long ago I gave up on family and stood alone. It hurt and it took a long time to get over and come to terms with. I have a good man now so just the one family member and some good friends. I love to follow the days of your wonderful family. I am proud that you have made something so amazing despite the odds. True courage on your part. Good on ya for having no fucks left to give. Me neither but I lacked the courage to make a family as you have. I am ok with my man as I say but love to be with your family from the momentous glorious moments like the births to the dill pickle doled out with love. You inspire me and calm me and make me laugh. You are as rock n roll as they come sieter. keith would be proud. Maggi xxxx

  7. You did the right thing and I think you really felt like you had an epiphany. Acceptance of how the relationship is between you Nd your brother. I think the day after there is always a sense of wandering if you have done the right thing. I don't think you are insular at all, you have constant contact with family and friends , and your blog family where it is always a festively and meaningful dialogue. Your blog always makes my heart feel full of the sweet things of life .

  8. Bloody auto correct , not festively !!!!!! I meant your blog always is meaningful, you get to to the marrow of the bone , so to speak.

  9. Sometimes it seems that blood family has so much baggage that they don't really know a person at all. They can only see what they want to see. I sometimes think my blood family knows me better than anyone and other times that they don't know anything about me.

  10. Desiree- I have no idea what goes on in my brother's head. He seems to be a very gregarious person and loves to talk to others and hear their stories. There is much about him that is good and fine. I will completely admit to the fact that my presence does not bring out the best in him. I don't think it's anyone's fault.

    Michele R- There is something incredibly crazy-making about people telling you that your memories are false. But as I have always said, "My imagination ain't THAT good." And I know it's not.

    Stephanie- Thank you so much, precious woman. Thank you.

    liv- I know it is an amazing life. I will never get over the miracle (!) of it. And thankfully, Owen still lets me kiss those rosy cheeks.

    Jill- I feel like I've "known" you forever. I am grateful for your presence.

    That Hank- Thank you, baby. And thank you for last night's texts. You sustained me. As you always have. Always.

    matate- Whoa! I can't be a hero! Not allowed! But thank you. So much. We are all of us heroes at some point. This is the absolute truth. You are too, I am sure.

    Maggi- Keith, like so many of us, is a survivor. Which is certainly why so many of us love him. Good on YOU for being able to find and love and be loved by a good man. For some of us, that is nothing short of amazing. I am glad you are here and can share in all of these moments of this family of mine which I can't believe, even now, is the one I have.

    Leisha- Well, within the bounds of propriety and respect for others, I do try. Thank you. I know I am insular in a way but I have come to accept that this is who I am and I don't beat myself up about it. I have people whom I love and who love me and I do not count them in quantity. I count them in genuineness and I adore them for accepting me as I am. Isn't that all any of us want?

  11. Blue Gal- So true. So very true. It's a strange conundrum.

  12. I am shocked at the statement that you are insular and don't know how to have heartfelt conversations. Even when you talk about simmer mats and chickens it is heartfelt. It does prove that those who are supposed to love us the most can hurt it the worst.
    I hope this evening finds you content and filled with peace.

  13. Birdie- I have been at peace, mostly. I feel a little strange and odd but overall- at peace. Thank you.

  14. You did the right thing. There is no fun in dysfunctional, it's only the spelling.


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