Thursday, November 5, 2015

If I Could Choose Just One Feeling For Today

I think I have settled on one feeling for today. That feeling is bitchy.
Ugh.
Bitchy Bitchy McBitchy Pants.
As May might say.

So I just read Oprah's Favorite Things list for 2015. 
The worst thing about it? I actually want one of these. Not the damn pet Christmas ornaments, that's for sure. No. I want the Fujifilm Instax Share Smartphone Printer. I wouldn't turn down one of those $895.00 suitcases either.
Question: Does Oprah herself say things like, "Easy-breezy cooking"?
If so, I dislike her even more.

The chickens are molting. Yes. This is what they do. They lose feathers and get new ones. However, my hen Camellia is looking like a torturer from the Inquisition visits her every night and plucks an ever-growing number of feathers from her scrawny little body. I swear to you- if she keeps on this way she'll be a naked chicken in a week. I've never seen anything like this. And no, the other chickens aren't pecking at her. I have no idea what to do about this. None.
And of course she's not laying. Poor thing. I can't even bring myself to take a picture of her. It's too sad.

Maurice won't sleep with me. She bangs the window above my head once or twice a night and I get up and stumble over and let her in and then she disappears again. I haven't even seen her this morning. Has she disappeared because her true love, Mr. Moon is gone? And I'm the one who gives her Temptations!

I keep dropping stitches on my baby blanket and the yarn (thread) is so fine that I need a damn microscope to figure out my mistakes.

If it gets any muggier, I am going to wake up to find mushrooms growing between my toes.

Something is eating my baby collard greens. Not bugs. I would assume birds because the leaves are just being snipped like someone was going out there with manicure scissors. Perhaps the torturer from the Inquisition. After he's done plucking Camellia's feathers.

And of course I have to go to town and deal with a phone situation.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. This means putting on a bra. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Branches just keep dropping. Crack, drop. One day an entire tree is going to drop right on top of me. I just know it. Now that would be a fine bit of irony, wouldn't it? The very things that bring me peace and joy being the instrument of my death.
I hope I don't suffer too long before I die and the cats eat me.

One more thing to bitch about- the local paper did a front-page write-up on the festival that Hank and his friend Taylor Biro have been putting on every year for five years through the blood and sweat of their own efforts and Taylor gets very little credit for her work in the article and Hank gets none.
Fuck that.

I just saw this on Facebook

which at once makes me feel ashamed and EVEN BITCHIER!

Oh hell. Maybe I should just order this:

LAFCO Present Perfect Freesia & Waterlily Collection
Flower Power 

"Could somebody please give me this for Christmas? I've always loved LAFCO's paraben- and sulfate-free products, and the fresh-smelling Freesia & Waterlily collection—which has a body cream, a hand cream, a candle, a liquid wash and a bar soap—is my current crush." —Oprah

The Complete Collection, $126 
I'm sure I would just feel so much better if I did. Paraben-AND sulfate-free? It's Oprah's current crush!
Bite me. 
Love...Ms. Moon













9 comments:

  1. Your day is somewhat like my day has been (give and take whatever hours I am ahead of you), I have been exceedingly awful and hated everything basically. As for Xmas, why did you have to post that Oprah link????

    As a clever woman once said: There’s being dogged in pursuit of a goal and there’s the pointlessness of being bitchy.

    To top it all, I just had to select all images with salad to prove that I am not a robot. Salad!!

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  2. @ Sabine: I'm pretty sure you don't need to check the "I'm not a robot" box to publish your comment. Avoid the salad! And the pizza! And the hamburgers! (Those pictures are so small it's impossible to get it right.)

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  3. I bet you feel better now you've got your grumpies out. Right? Right? I hate days like that. But usually it means I'm tired and need to slow down for a bit. Hope your day improves.

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  4. Hah! Bitchy days rule! Fuck em all...they're just trying to sell us shit we don't want...though I agree with you on the little printer, I'd use the fuck out of that! My one left-over old chicken is also moulting, she better hurry up before winter bites her naked chicken-butt. I have a damn yeast infection for which I already went to PP (!!!) for and for which she gave me some medicine and it's come the fuck back, I cannot believe that shit. If I go back she'll want to look at my privates again and find out if I've gone to my regular doctor for my damn blood pressure....

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  5. I get bitchy when Dan is gone. Between Mr. Moon being away and having to go to town, bitchiness is the only sane state of being.

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  6. Oprah is about 10 years behind this Pacific Northwest girl. I have been doing the paraben/sulfate (and about 10 other things)free and certainly don't pay $126.00 for it. My soap is made by a woman up the street from me. It costs $3.00. But I guess if I was Oprah and had more money that God I could afford $126.00. What a waste of money.

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  7. Sabine- Don't even mess with the verification thing. Just click "publish" and it will. I'm so sorry.
    Well, today I was dogged in my pursuit of bitchiness. But I still managed to find some things to enjoy about the day. I really did.

    jenny_o- I am always tired and yet I sleep so much. Depression? Dying of an unknown illness? I don't know.

    Big Mamabird- Ugh. Yeast infections. They suck. The last one I had was when I was on very strong antibiotics for dental thing. They gave me a 'script for an oral medication. It worked.

    Stephanie- This could be very true. Or I could just be a bitch.

    Birdie- Oprah annoys the crap out of me. I mean who in the hell but her poses for the cover of her own magazine every issue? Jesus. But most people love her.

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  8. I have hated Oprah (and I was a disciple) since the James Frey lynching. I wrote to him and he wrote me back, which is a fuck of a lot more than Oprah has ever done for me. She's a consumer and she encourages others to consume. She makes me sick.

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  9. What is paraben anyway? That's a drag about Hank and the festival. I think sometimes the newspaper gets a single name, and they latch onto that name, and they fail to follow through to find out who else is really behind an event like that.

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