Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A Day In Which My Heart Holds So Much

Gray sky, thin mist like tiny needles, cold upon the skin. The guy next door is chipping away and my husband left again this morning early for Georgia.

My soul feels as gray as this sky, every mistake I ever made looms large in my head and yet, I've just talked to Jessie and could hear August cooing in the background, and Hank and Lily have both texted about possible lunch and yes, of course I've made so many mistakes but somehow it's all led to this, these adults, these children, and in reality, I'm just a human being who has made as many mistakes as any other human being and yet, here we are and if I look at it all in a biological and even loving perspective, I've done my job.

And am still doing it, I suppose, even in my deeply flawed way.

What else can I say?
What did old Frank Sinatra say? "Regrets, I've had a few."

Well. I suppose I'll just keep blundering on, making mistakes, trying to do better, trusting in love, being so grateful that my babies want to have lunch with me, knowing that it has always been my undreamed-dream to have a happy family wherein everyone loves each other so and I do and they do and I still can't believe it.



9 comments:

  1. My big mistake of the day was hitting a cast iron bicycle rack at the laundromat here in Palmerto. The bike rack came out unscathed....but my hubby's new truck has about $4000 in damage. Even though he keeps saying it's OK, I just keep crying. Here's hoping that all our mistakes are in the past (well, except for that $500 deductible).

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  2. Oh I admire how largely you love and live your life Mary.

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  3. But then again, too few to mention.

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  4. In the end all that really matters is having a family who loves you and you love them. I feel like I have made a lot of mistakes and still make them too... Hopefully the mistakes are not too bloody big .....

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  5. it's all about intention, dear one, and your children always knew that your intentions for them were true and pure and whole, so the mistake were not fatal ones, they just helped build character and personality and memories and hopefully, laughs. you done good, mama. look around you. it's pure love.

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  6. Catrina- Oh, honey. I know that sucks. I'm so glad your husband is being sweet about it but I'd be crying too. It's okay. We all hit things with our vehicles. I have some stories...
    Which I am not telling.

    Rebecca- Thank you. I keep telling myself I do my best but sometimes that just seems pitiful small.

    That Hank- Regrets? Oh. I just don't WANT to mention them. I love you. So much.

    Leisha- Yes. Not too bloody big.

    Angella- Well, no matter what, it is what it is and I am who I am and this is what has happened and to beat myself up too badly would be to deny how gloriously wonderful my children are in all of the ways that truly count. So. Yes. Thank you. It is all about love, isn't it?



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  7. Oh, fuck it. I hate that, but you have to just find a way to arrest the cringey awful memories. Dance it away, put up a stop sign. Sometimes I just have to look around and list things in my head - blue sky, red pot, dog crapping, whatever, like LALALALALALA. Distract yourself til it goes away.

    I'm reading weirdly these days, I saw gravy and noodles in your first line. Soupy weather?

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  8. I remember telling people when I was younger -- in my 20s -- that I had no regrets. Now I have lots of them, including many things I did BEFORE I was in my 20s! I'm convinced that as we age we just look at things differently. We see more consequence in our actions and see our failures more fully, perhaps even exaggeratedly so.

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  9. You said it yourself - your loving family is such a thing to be proud of. We all have regrets. We all have made mistakes. We are more than that though - we are the good stuff. Thanks for making me remember that b/c I needed to hear it myself today.

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