Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Yes/Not Yes


Posted on the Blue Angel Resort Facebook Page
Cozumel, Mexico

Raining/not raining. Weird. It pattered most of the night but I doubt all of it added up to much. Still gray today and occasionally, gusts blow hard enough to make me pay attention, rouse me for a few seconds from my near catatonia.

I dreamed again last night of a friend of mine who is dead. I am getting very tired of these dreams. She appears and I am amazed- how did she do it? I saw her in her death bed. I know that. And yet...here she is and quite angry at her husband whom she claims (in her bewildering but not bewildered not-dead state) that he has stolen from her and she wants to get things back. My dream last night took a different turn. I went with her to a doctor and said to him, "See- she's alive! How can that be?"
He and another doctor agreed that she did look very much alive but that it really and truly was just an illusion. Something like a hologram. And as they told me this, she disappeared into a mist.
I wonder if I will dream of her again.
Soon it will be Day of the Dead when in Mexico they expect their deceased loved ones to come back and visit. They take food and candles and drink and flowers to the cemeteries, they clean and tidy and decorate the graves, they hang out.

Sorrow. I think I feel sorrow. I knew a girl once who had been named "Joy" at birth. Later on in her life, she changed her name to "Sorrow." Then I think she changed it to Noah. Or maybe Noah came before Sorrow. I don't know. I can't remember.

I think I would like to lie in my bed and pull the covers up like sorrow over my body and let my pillow be sorrow and allow the mattress to be sorrow and lay swaddled in sorrow. Just...be sorrowful for everything and nothing.

I need to go to town. I have to take my phone in. I have to buy magnesium in hopes that it will help my restless legs that wake me up at night. Library. Groceries. That stuff. All that stuff. The thought of talking to anyone makes me weepy.

All this stuff and all this life and maybe this is just the time of year when the lines between worlds blur, the rain/not rain, the dead/not dead, the life/not life.

And somehow, I can't really bring myself to care.
Care/don't care.
Do/Don't do.

I am such a little drama queen.

Love...Ms. Moon



11 comments:

  1. I'll be thinking of you today and envisioning that a peaceful and restful calmness comes.

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  2. People will look at me funny when my inner drama queen(very similar to yours, it seems) starts making me walk around with a sulky flounce, they're all like, what crawled up her ass?!

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  3. I've been taking Magnesium 365 that's meant to be really accessible, moreso than the others.

    And a Bvit complex for the first time that I could swear is making me feel quite stable. We'll see. Next month, we'll see...

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  4. You are no drama queen, just a wonderfully human human who's not afraid to tell the truth and feel her feelings. I wonder about the dreaming sometimes, why sad things have to get replayed even when we try to rest. It's cruel.
    October, rainy and cloudy here and I'm weepy too.
    My husband's oldest friend's only son died in a tragic car crash and we're just reeling from the shock and sorrow and loss, and the inability to do anything that could possibly help. Nothing could possibly. So I really appreciated the Atlantic article you posted on fb, it was timely to say the least.
    I hope things are sunny for you soon. xo

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  5. MAGNESIUM HELPS RESTLESS LEGS?! Mary Moon, I have been plagued by this syndrome my entire life! Crazy!

    The phone drama, omg lady, I have that kind of drama over EVERYTHING. Some of us are just "too much" sometimes and if people can't get over that, well, it's just too bad for them.

    When you go to your iTunes or your photos on your computer, when your phone isn't plugged in, does your stuff show up? If not, plug it in and sync again. The cloud scares me ever since Leener's dad's funeral when all of Leener's cloud photos streamed as her screensaver on the big overhead screen. There were "inappropriate for a funeral" photos on there, nothing scandalous, just hilarious and a not so subtle reminder to back up photos to a computer not a cloud. LOL

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  6. Have you tried the magnesium in a liquid form which is absorbed quickly. It is fantastic in a bath with lavender oil. Epsom salts and lavender oil may also help . Especially if you have a long soak in the bath before you go to bed .

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  7. It's interesting that you have repeatedly dreamed of your dead friend. I do think there's something about this time of year, with everything dying back, when mortality comes closer to the surface of our daily lives. It's inherently a sorrowful time, although also a beautiful time.

    I love that story about the girl named Joy who changed her name to Sorrow. That's awesome.

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  8. liv- Thank you, sweet woman!

    Big Mamabird- My inner drama queen doesn't make me flounce. It makes me want to hide.

    Jo- Glad those are helping you.

    Mel- Oh dear god. That's horrible! I am so sorry. No words. That article was a good one, wasn't it? Skip the cliches and just help people carry it.
    If we can.

    Heartinhand- Well, Mg is supposed to help. Maybe. I'll let you know if it works for me. It's cheap so you might as well give it a try.
    Thanks for the tech advice. I need all the help I can get.

    Leisha- For some reason I don't like baths anymore which is sad because I have the most wonderful bathtub in the world. But the liquid may work better for me to take. I'll try the pills first.

    Steve Reed- I think she spelled it "Sorro" or something like that. But still, isn't that bizarre? Yes. Fall is beautiful and sad at the same time.

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  9. I understand these feeling so completely. I think we are the same energy poured into different beings. You cannot possibly imagine how keenly I know what you're feeling. I too want to climb onto bed and pull up the covers and yet we keep on keeping on keeping on because if we stop moving, it might not be so good. let's hold hands, okay?

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  10. Been having dreams of the dead too. I am tired of them. I keep wondering if I have some kind of terminal illness inside of me and that I am preparing to die myself. It is weird. Today was good though--no dreams last night. Maybe it was the might pull of the spring tide. I don't know but am very over the dreams of the dead.

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  11. I always considered myself 'enlightened', open to the existence of things beyond our capability to detect for the most part and that there were people who could detect parts. But I am not one of them. I don't see ghosts, I don't dream of the dead, I tend to ignore the most obvious intuition. Apparently, I'm thick as a brick.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.