Posted on the Blue Angel Resort Facebook Page
Raining/not raining. Weird. It pattered most of the night but I doubt all of it added up to much. Still gray today and occasionally, gusts blow hard enough to make me pay attention, rouse me for a few seconds from my near catatonia.
I dreamed again last night of a friend of mine who is dead. I am getting very tired of these dreams. She appears and I am amazed- how did she do it? I saw her in her death bed. I know that. And yet...here she is and quite angry at her husband whom she claims (in her bewildering but not bewildered not-dead state) that he has stolen from her and she wants to get things back. My dream last night took a different turn. I went with her to a doctor and said to him, "See- she's alive! How can that be?"
He and another doctor agreed that she did look very much alive but that it really and truly was just an illusion. Something like a hologram. And as they told me this, she disappeared into a mist.
I wonder if I will dream of her again.
Soon it will be Day of the Dead when in Mexico they expect their deceased loved ones to come back and visit. They take food and candles and drink and flowers to the cemeteries, they clean and tidy and decorate the graves, they hang out.
Sorrow. I think I feel sorrow. I knew a girl once who had been named "Joy" at birth. Later on in her life, she changed her name to "Sorrow." Then I think she changed it to Noah. Or maybe Noah came before Sorrow. I don't know. I can't remember.
I think I would like to lie in my bed and pull the covers up like sorrow over my body and let my pillow be sorrow and allow the mattress to be sorrow and lay swaddled in sorrow. Just...be sorrowful for everything and nothing.
I need to go to town. I have to take my phone in. I have to buy magnesium in hopes that it will help my restless legs that wake me up at night. Library. Groceries. That stuff. All that stuff. The thought of talking to anyone makes me weepy.
All this stuff and all this life and maybe this is just the time of year when the lines between worlds blur, the rain/not rain, the dead/not dead, the life/not life.
And somehow, I can't really bring myself to care.
I am such a little drama queen.