Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Mind At Play

So I've been taking these bio-identical hormones for what? Three weeks now? Something like that and I'm not sure but I think I feel better and am having fewer hot flashes. I think I sleep better.
But I know my dreams have changed.

And not for the better.

My lovely, mysterious house dreams have slipped away from me and last night was just the worst. Well, not the worst. I had a dream that was so bad last week that I told Ms. Bastard-Beloved that I wouldn't tell that dream to a DEAD psychiatrist, no way, no how.
But the one that woke me up this morning was bad enough. I'd applied to law school and gotten accepted and then of course I had no idea where classes met or when or anything and besides that, I kept saying, "I don't want to be a lawyer!" and so I stayed at the Opera House and was trying to do some Herculean task straightening up and organizing the costume and prop room so that the law school could put their books in that room, feeling guilty all the while because I wasn't ever going to make anything of myself.
Calling Dr. Freud. Oh wait, we can figure that out for ourselves.

What I want to know is- why, at the age of fifty-six, I feel the need to worry that I'll never make anything of myself.

And yes, there was a whole other part of the dream that involved my home situation in which my mother and my stepfather had moved in with me and, well, let me just say that I DID NOT WANT TO GO HOME even though I was sick as a dog in my dream.

Now the pontoon boat? Okay. I don't know where that came from.

Anyway, it was so bad that I laid in bed for quite some time, too depressed to get up and when I did get up I actually and literally shook my head to try and shake myself back into some semblance of sanity but of course that does not work.

But Mr. Moon is back from the turkey hunting woods and I've given the chickens fresh water and drunk some coffee and that helps. We are looking up at the sky hopefully. It is cloudy and Lord, we need rain. The dirt roads are like chalk, the ground is parched. I don't think my azaleas are ever going to bloom except for a purple fringe here and there. I think the squirrels or something have been drinking the chicken water because it needs refilling so often.

Well. I think I might make some breakfast and then put on the old overalls and decide where to start- garden or yard? I suppose garden. Pearl is up and has eaten her special breakfast and Mr. Moon just gave me a bouquet of azalea and dogwood that he picked this morning at our friend, Tom's.

I don't want to be a lawyer. I just want to be who I am, no matter what I dream. And even in my dream I knew none of it was real and told myself that it was all fake-believe and that feelings are only feelings.
I did.
So I suppose that even if I am insane while I sleep, I have wisdom to offer to myself, some comfort.

Progress of a sort, I guess.

Time to go dig in the dirt, which is not fake-believe, and which always makes me feel good.
And maybe it will rain and if that happens, all will be better than well.

I hope it is where you are too.


  1. I'm glad you are feeling better, but those dreams! Dreaming like that would make my morning depression even worse I fear. Hopefully those dreams will settle down. I hope we get some rain too, if only to wash the pollen away!

  2. Oh Ms Moon, sorry about these dreams. Sheesh. "I don't want to be a lawyer" made me laugh. I like that you can comfort yourself in your dreams. My therapist says I have no self soothing capacities. Learning them though I think. It's funny about shaking your head. I do that too, and feel quite crazy, but it does sometimes actually work. I need some dirt too. Feeling so scared and vulnerable this morning. Got to get a grip.
    Thanks for writing.

  3. I'm sorry about your dreams and dream hangovers -- but I'm glad that your hormones might be working. When I went to the doctor this week, she told me that she is a firm believer in the "second" half of life being a time of vitality, strength and etc. for women. She, of course, was in the first half of life.

    Those dogwood blossoms are gorgeous.

  4. Yeah, don't be a lawyer.

    I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams

  5. Mary, darlin'.....

    I don't know if this will encourage you or depress you more.....I am, as you know nearly 84 and I still dream regularly that I am in college and suddenly realize, at the end of semester, that I completely forgot to go to one of my classes and the final is today.

    Worse yet....I also dream regularly that I am still working at some job or other and the boss is on the verge of discovering that I am totally incompetent.

    And here we are, two of the most incredibly competent women in the universe......we are just never satisfied with ourselves, I guess.

  6. I sometimes have the "in class, don't know anything about it, giant test" dream. But usually at some point I realize, "Hey, what the hell? No one's keeping me here, I'm a grown man," and I get up to walk out and the dream changes over to the next whateverthehell. I generally enjoy and often have some small control over my dreams, though.

  7. ugh those dream hangovers are really the pits. physical activity and sunlight help. caffiene. my mom is on the biodentical hormones too and they have reallllly helped her. there is a lot of belief that they prevent certain cancers too, brought on by the crazy hormone dips. xo

  8. What dreams may come....

    the dreams of menopause...of hormones? I don't know but hoping your dream state improves..feed the thoughts of what you want to dream before you fall asleep...see if it takes you there....

  9. Dear Mary, the mind is a funny thing... I love you just as you are. And you have plenty of wisdom to offer us all.

    Your writing is truly wonderful xx

    PS. Thank God you're not a lawyer!

  10. Lois- Amen! Let it rain!

    Bethany- See newest post.

    Elizabeth- Yeah. Theory is one thing. Reality is another fucking thing.

    Jo- Oh!

    Lo- How does this happen? Arrgghhh! Well, the brain is an imperfect organ. That's all I can say.
    Love you, dear.

    DTG- Just more proof that you are an advanced human being. I really have problems believing I am your mother sometimes because you ARE so advanced. But I am SO grateful I am. I love you COMPLETELY!

    Maggie May- I'm tryin' 'em. What the hell? I need some damn help and if these hormones offer it, I'm going for it. Glad to hear they're helping your mama.

    Ellen- I do try. I do. And I'll keep trying. Thanks.

    Christina- But oh- wouldn't I be a FUN lawyer? My father, grandfather and great grandfather were all lawyers. And hell, it didn't do them a bit of good except to make them fortunes.
    There is that.

  11. Those are anxiety dreams. I have them occasionally. They are about my failing at something. I rarely have failed at anything so I guess it is a deep-seated fear. I shake those off also.

  12. Syd- I like it that as I was dreaming, I was aware that I was and that it wasn't real.

  13. That was sweet of Mr. Moon to pick you flowers. That's some romantic shit, right there, and you can tell him I said so!


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.