Friday, March 4, 2011

Just...Great Thanks

Morning time comes with some clearness, small insights, perhaps an epiphany. I remember in nursing school I would ask this question of something someone had said: Is that cosmic or just profound?

Anyway, I had an insight about the anger one of my brothers holds for me and it was so bright and clear and it made me realize that his anger has a purpose and it's not a bad one and so I can deal with it better. I understand. And with understanding comes...well, at least less taking it personally.
Which is good. Oh yes, it is good.

And then, I read Jeannie's comment on my post last night. She said this:

I can relate to the anxiety with doctors (and dentists and accountants). I hate to be examined. I think because it feels a lot like being violated.

That felt true and right to me. I think that many, many survivors of sexual abuse have these feelings. These same feelings.
When, as a child, your very being was violated along with your body, it is so important to save some of yourself for no one. This can make life tough when it comes to relationships- that is not, perhaps cosmic, but it is profound. To grow up and let others into your life, your heart, with trust and love is an exercise in great faith. HUGE faith.

And why in the world we should be trust a doctor, a dentist, a nurse, an accountant- all people who by their very work, must and do pry into us and our dealings and our doings and we must give them that information, no choice, just as children we had no choice in what was done to us.
And even though we are adults and can understand why these people, for our own good, must do this prying, it still feels like violation. Like being violated. Like giving up that which is ours and ours alone which we have so understandably clutched onto with all of our hearts.

No wonder I feel so safe when I'm by myself.

Well. That's life. One tiny insight, epiphany, profound and cosmic understanding after another. If we are lucky.
A chance to act, rather than REACT.
Or at least, a glimmer of hope in doing that.

Thank-you, Jeannie and thank ALL of you who rush to my side like angels when I need you. I feel your wings wrap around me, even when my need is so petty, so illogical, so very, very unprofound.

I mean this. You are part of fact of me being the luckiest woman on this earth.

Happy Friday, y'all.
True love...Ms. Moon


  1. right here...
    feeling all the love that is surrounding you. so grateful it is so.

  2. I hate the doctor visits too. But I had a good visit last Sept and was much relieved afterward. For some reason it is worse now than when I was in my 20's. I guess all that insight comes out later in life. Also, I am not one to pay for a massage. Too much anxiety, would not relax (tried it once). If I were to have a massage I'd have a female. So interesting because my Hubs loves massages but he requests a female. I would die if I had a male masseuse. Years ago I had a facial (which I do like as you are all warm and covered except for the face) and I had a male and he did all this massage of my shoulders while I was wearing some towel tube top. Hated it.
    --Michele R.

  3. Ms. Moon,
    I had never considered that your doctor phobia was due to that violating asshole in your childhood.

    Jeannie is very wise. I adore her.

    I'm happy you had these insights.



  4. Lordie, it's so obvious once you see it, isn't it? I never thought about that aspect of the doctor phobia. Thank goodness for the epiphany. I agree with your insight abotu the HUGE faith it takes to trust when you've had it violated in the past.
    Hope your new NP is a good one.

  5. Yay!

    I agree, no stand up for her, but the good thing, is there's no nonsense either! tee hee!

    So glad you gots yer drugs. Did you ask for the Atavan? I hope you did. She'd have totally written that for you.

    I want to chat soon... it seems as though Marc had a really great interview for the fed position. I am actually getting excited about the possibility!

  6. I had not thought about that--the idea of being violated. I can see how that would be difficult and a real issue. I didn't have physical violation but certainly had some emotional stuff when I was a kid.

  7. BINGO! I think you've got something here.


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