Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Guilt And Gratefulness

I had a huge day, y'all. HUGE.
For me.
I did a kamikaze journey into town and didn't tell any of the kids I was coming in. I wanted to get things DONE and boy, did I, but I still felt guilty and it still took me five hours.
I felt especially guilty in Costco, wheeling through the produce room without either of my boys who love the "coldy room." They shiver dramatically when we're in there. It is part of our routine. As well as sampling everything to be sampled while today I sampled nothing. NOTHING. I was on a mission.

But I lived through the guilt and pushed on to the Big library, meaning the main library. I got books to read with both eyes and ears. While I was perusing new fiction, I overheard a phone conversation between a homeless guy and some agency dude. I know it was a homeless guy because he said on the phone that he was. It was painful, that conversation, and it hurt me to hear it and of course I couldn't hear the other guy's words but I could hear his voice, droning on, and finally, the guy in the library said, "Sir, Sir! We need to just end this. I'm upside down in the water and I ain't got no paddle or no sail and that's all there is to it."
Agency Guy must have said something at least a bit helpful because the homeless man said, "Okay, okay, why don't you text me that information?" He didn't sound completely hopeless when he said that. Not completely. Oh god. I hope he gets some help.
This is the country I live in. How do people do it?
And what did I do? I made my selections and went on downstairs and checked out.
Checked out.
Talk about guilt.

After the library I took myself to lunch and ate a falafel and pita sandwich and it was delicious. It came with enough hummus and vegetables to make a whole other meal and I packed that up and brought it home.

Then on to Goodwill. I got my first cashmere sweater of the year along with either a dress or a nightie, I'm not sure which, but it's as soft as the sweater and it does have pockets. And a skirt that I knew would not fit me but I bought it because it was so pretty and brand new and I thought perhaps my May would love it.
I hope she does.
My favorite overhearing there was also a one-sided phone conversation. It was an older woman and she said, "She hasn't told me and I ain't asking."
How can you not wonder what was going on there?
The cell phone has certainly added spice and color to eavesdropping.

THEN I went to Publix and I didn't do much overhearing there. I got my groceries and drove home on the interstate where I actually saw a rainbow's ending. I did not notice a pot of gold but did see some trees and a doublewide there. It felt like a good omen, just driving through that rainbow.

And here I am and I just feel so lucky and so grateful. I was okay out in public, I didn't die or fall down or say anything to anyone that was too stupid. I had enough money to buy not only what we need but what we might want. A sweet friend of mine texted back and forth with me all day so that I felt as if I had company. I was not alone. I came home to my beautiful house with my beautiful yard guarded by these magnificent oak trees and unloaded my groceries and my books and my Goodwill treasures and put everything away and collected eggs and repotted my tiny cactus that crashed last night and I have a place to sleep every night which is safe and cozy and cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I have a stove and I am simmering peas from the garden on it. I have a husband who will be home soon. I have a family who loves each other to infinity. I have so much. So very, very much.

And Lily reports that Gibson's rash cleared right up after some Benadryl and a nap.
Which is how it always went with her too, when she was a child.

I wonder what sort of quirks these new babies will be bringing with them?

Whatever they bring, they will be loved with all of the love that such rich people can bestow.

And as Keith Richards said in a recent NYT's interview (thank you, thank you, dear and darling Beth Coyote!), "I know what luck is. I've had a lot."

Amen. Me too.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Oh, how wonderful! That makes me so happy to hear that it was such a good day for you. You are blessed darling Mary, in so many ways and today you received lots of blessing to carry you through and home to safety.

    And you went to all my favorite places too! Cashmere, it is time to be on the hunt for that, I LOVE Goodwill.
    Have a great evening and enjoy those peas...garden picked, I can smell them from here. x

  2. A woman on a mission! I'm glad it was a good day.

  3. I love all of this. But you already knew that, sweet woman.

  4. Liv- It was a great day and I have to say that I made one of the best suppers ever.

    Angella- I was! But god, I hate traffic. Yeah, I know- it's Tallahassee, not NYC, but even that is too much for me.

    Elizabeth- I do.

  5. So there's really a doublewide at the end of the rainbow? That's a little disconcerting.

    I know what you mean about feeling guilty about the homeless guy. But we have to lead our own lives, don't we? We should do what we can but there's no point in feeling bad about what we can't do. I have similar feelings about the refugees, and I tell myself that, and it sort of helps. Sort of.

    Sounds like a good day. :)

  6. Okay, so which Goodwill did you go to? I went up to Thomasville 2 weeks ago and came home with a cute skirt - but no jeans or cashmere. Sounds like a great day. Headed back into town on Tuesday for a Dr's appt so I might be able to slip off to Goodwill if I get out early enough.
    Love ya and hugs to all,

  7. Steve Reed- You know what? I imagine that for some people, a doublewide by the interstate under the trees IS the end of the rainbow and a pretty fine one. It's all in perspective, isn't it?
    Yes. That does sort of help. Sort of. You are precious, by the way.

    Jan- I went to the Goodwill on Capital Circle NE. I only saw one other cashmere sweater and it was pretty shitbeat. Already had holes in it. But they did have a lot of clothes and of course they put out new stuff all the time. And that Goodwill actually groups things by size so I didn't go through the smalls. You might fine one! And love back to you and your sweetie!

  8. I know the bravery it took to do all that, good on you!
    Empathy for people less fortunate than we are is what separates us from the apes. And sometimes that is enough to shake us out of our own heads.


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