Tuesday, September 1, 2015

And So It Goes, Part Whatever

Jesus fuck.
I just called the NP's office and guess what?
They did respond to my email yesterday by calling the pharmacist where I get my hormones refilled and simply refilled them for five more months.
Holy shit!

Okay. Now I can collapse. It would have been mighty nice if they'd told ME about this but what can you expect?

I have been going over my childhood to try and figure out what in the world caused this horrible and illogical fear of doctors I have. We had a very nice pediatrician who actually dated my mother for a short while. I know that at one point when I got what I remember as a "flu shot" but which may have been any kind of immunization, it took three people to hold me down to get it.
Yeah. That was bad.
But there has to be more.
And there is something I remember but I don't remember all of it which I find odd. And somehow it all has to do with shame and helplessness and all that murky stuff that gets stuffed back into the darkest recesses of the mind but which can poison everything for life.

Well, anyway, time for the crash. The amount of adrenalin in my body is not going to go quietly.

Thank you so for putting up with my own (not very) unique brand of insanity. It helps to talk about it more than I can say. And I will also say that at least having this form of insanity makes me so much more compassionate for others who have their own kinds which, on the surface, may appear to be ridiculous, but which I know has nothing to do with that part which shows.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Fantastic :)) Sleep off that crash. Love you.

  2. A post anxiety crash. I totally get it. I may also be having one. Man, I need to write this week out, I just haven't had time/still processing. Anyway, I feel ya. I'm right there with ya.

  3. Great that they automatically filled your Rx's. Not great that they couldn't manage a simple one-line email back to you!

    I always get so much done when the adrenaline is running :)

  4. Life gets way more complicated than is needs to. It would taken 10 seconds to respond to your e mail. It would have saved you a lot of grief.

  5. I haven't caught up on your posts yet, but we must pulled out of the truck stop and I saw the newly painted Johnny appleseed. Gail

  6. It's so special. You let us know you so well and in return you know us so well...yes it's true. At any rate we know, of each other, what matters the most.

  7. Well, now I've revisited my own early doctor office memories, fucking hell! My Irish twin brother and I did the same thing, we had to be wrangled and held nothing back in the vocal department...My mom was so embarrassed, poor thing as she sat in the waiting room full of semi terrorized patients....Once I cut my chin and had to be strapped from head to foot so it could be stitched. Fucking grown-ups. I am proud of little me, not taking it laying down. I'm pretty sure if the time was taken I would have sat through those visits bravely, like my kids have...Oh well. Hugs from Vermont where it's gone all hot again.

  8. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
    Sometimes there are reasons. Sometimes just questions.

  9. i know you don't put any stock in this and who knows what's what, but the anxiety could stem from a past life, if in fact it turns out there is such a thing.

  10. I can't believe you've been through it all for nothing. This hamster wheel of anxiety. You should let them know at the clinic that it's like this for you, so they fucking tell you next time!

    Take care. Exercise the cortisol off, it's the only way to get rid of it, apparently - sweat it out.

  11. When I get like that, I simply go to bed...I hope you can. Hugs.

  12. shame is a powerful emotion- it can grab you and shake you when you least expect it.

    i am glad you feel better today


  13. Well, I just think you're incredibly normal as far as anxiety about healthcare and doctors. In my world, you're completely sane.

  14. SJ- Nah. I went to town and spaced out all over Tallahassee with two of my daughters. It was okay. We had fun.

    Heartinhand- I keep checking...
    I hope all is well.

    jenny_o- I'm in such a state of disassociation when that happens that I can barely think which makes getting things done difficult. I need instruction!

    Birdie- Sigh. Too true.

    Gail- You went to the Truck Stop??!! Did you eat at The Bone? Haha!
    That's awesome you were there.

    liv- I feel so incredibly fortunate to have this community of loving people. It blows me away. Thank you.

    Big Mamabird- Hell yes! Things were just not handled well when we were kids. I'm not sure they really thought that children were capable of deep emotion and feeling.
    Thanks for the hug! I hope it cools off for you soon.

    Denise- You are so right. And I am going to sleep beautifully well tonight. I hope you do too.

    Angella- That may be so. Who knows? Not me. I don't discount that theory at all. I'm pretty sure that my fear of great waves comes from a former lifetime but somehow I have always "known" that, even as a child. This feels different.

    Jo- They DO know this. It's all the hell in my records. Whatever. Don't get me started.

    e- Not today. I had plans. But I am planning on getting in that cozy bed soon and reading, reading, reading and then sleeping.

    Mrs. A- I think that is why I try so hard never, ever to shame a child. It is the absolute worst thing an adult can do to a child. Well, okay, not the WORST but it's pretty bad.

    Elizabeth- I love you.

  15. No, we didn't see The Bone, I looked for it though and stared at every person that pulled up to the store. We just topped off the gas tank and used the facilities at the gas station, not the truck stop. I am home now. Gail

  16. I secretly sometimes like the crash because I take it as an excuse to watch TV and have a hundred cups of tea. :-) Or nap. Or read. Because I wouldn't be able to do anything else anyway.
    I hope it's not too bad a crash. x

  17. Crashing is okay. I don't have a fear of doctors. But I am not overly fond of the police. They make me anxious.


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