Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I'm struggling, y'all. And I feel so stupid talking about any of it. There is absolutely nothing going on in my life that isn't as sweet as a breeze coming through the white lace curtains in the window over the bed.
Not one damn thing.

Hell. I wish I COULD point to something and say, "There, that's it. That's why I feel this way."

But if there is, it's so far back and so far deep that it's not even visible from here.

But I'm here and I plan to be here tomorrow, too.

Fuck crazy. Fuck crazy and the black dog it rode in on.

Stay tuned. Our regularly scheduled programming will return as soon as possible.

I promise.


  1. I'm thinking of you.
    I loved loved loved your posts about Mr Moon.
    And the writing about the rain sounding like the shower and waiting for a loved one was so perfect.
    Your writing takes my breath away.

  2. Now, please don't get angry at me if I try to help with a suggestion.

    Maybe .....could it have something to do with your scare the other nite when Mr. Moon was out in the boat with a dead phone and couldn't call you???

    When I realize how important something is to me and my l to my life it first scares the shit out of me and then makes me mad to be so dependent.....but the anger is suppressed because it is shameful....enter the black dog of depression. At least, that is how it works with me.

    Hope you can chase it away and feel better.

  3. Here is a hug. And crazy is why we get along so well.

  4. perhaps suffering postpartum depression in Lily's place?

  5. Bethany- You always know what to say. I swear. You do.

    Lo- I'm sure that is part of it. And maybe I am angry at him for not figuring out how to get in touch with me earlier (which probably never even occurred to him because why would it?) and we all know about anger and depression. Ah. Human emotions. Intelligent design? I do not think so.

    Gradydoctor- Sister, you always seem so sane. Really? Do you ever go through things like this? Black Dog times? I hope not. But I know you don't judge me on sane/not sane. I know you don't.

    Anonymous- Shit. I don't know. I never had PP depression with my own kids but then again, I had all that lovely progesterone floating around in my bloodstream.

  6. I so get your words. I tried posting last night and it went something like this...

    "I got up. Cried. Mowed the lawn. Cried. Weeded my raspberries. Cried."

    I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it grief (still?) My mom died 7 months ago! Is it because my relationship is in the toilet at the moment? Is it peri-menopause? Is it sleep issues? Or I am just fucked up and depressed. Ms. Moon, every single day I cry. I don't even want to live anymore. I stay alive for my kids. I don't know what to do. I have to live in this hell because I can't kill myself.

    I am going to the doctor tomorrow and I am going to try yet another anti-depressant. I want to tell my doctor that I want to die but I don't have the courage and I don't want to be put into the hospital. I just keep crawling along but my hands and knees are worn down.


  7. Life is like the ocean, sometimes it's smooth sometimes it's rough and sometimes it's just a mellow, soft up and down.
    But it is always beautiful and it is always there, surrounding us, washing over us and thrilling us with its magnificence and scaring us sometimes with its frightening power.

    Seems a little squall has come up, ride it out - no bodies going anywhere. Because we love you.

    The love here is so evident, I think it's ok for me to speak as "we" :)

  8. Hi Ms Moon -- It seems like a lot of us go thru periods like this. I know I do. The best thing I've ever done is to go with it and crawl into bed or do whatever it is I want to do instead of fighting it. For me, it's middle age, thyroid issues, and just life and its ups and downs. I'm glad you let us know how you are doing -- however that might be. Joanne

  9. Bethany- But you HAVE reason to be sad. My god, you do! And yes, please- tell the doctor the damn truth. Just do it. Raise your arms and say, "Help me!" It can be all of the things you listed and take whatever help the doctor can give you and then just hold on and keep on. I swear we'll make it. We will.

    Liv- I know. I do know. And sometimes the waves take you under and you don't know which way is up. But if you just hold on, it will become apparent.

    Joanne- I am following my instincts on this one. I am. As you say. I am laying down when I feel tired. I am working off the nervous energy by walking when I need to do that. And tomorrow I am going to see my grandsons. I'm going to do whatever it takes.
    Lord. I keep saying- we are not meant to live this long. We have to figure it all out as we go.

  10. That's the thing about general anxiety, isn't it? There isn't a discrete, knowable trigger, a 'reason.' If only there were; perhaps it would be easier? Maybe.

    I often visualize my anxiety and depression as if I've been tossed into the water: I'm flailing, barely keeping my head afloat, and sometimes, I get to rest on dry land. And sometimes, the dry land stretches out for miles and miles. And then, out of nowhere, I fall into the ocean again, into the swale. My therapist in fact said today, when i told her (I'm mightily struggling myself) that I got so angry that I continuously found myself, from time to time, in the water, and it felt so fucking familiar and real every damn time,--anyway, she said it would always feel real and visceral and familiar, but I wouldn't stay there.

    You won't stay here, Ms. Moon. There will be dry land again. And there's lots of us flailing next to you; you're in good company. Love from Michigan.

  11. You know what? Why judge yourself and think that there has to be a reason for your mood swings? And therefore feel guilty and worried because you're so aware of your many blessings? I imagine that depression and your own unique brain chemistry, coupled with brain muscle and memory plays an enormous part of these swings. I'd say "hang in there," but I despise that expression. I'm thinking about you and holding you in my heart, no matter what.

  12. thinking of you and offering to loan my aluminum bat if you want to beat that black dog of depression from your doorstep


  13. I think I spent most of Feb and March in this same state; feeling so down and lifeless. Then I would get angry at myself for feeling that way when there is so much good in my life--that just made me feel more low. Always chasing my tail and getting no where. I'm feeling better now. I hope you find your way back soon. Love you.

  14. oh, sweet mary, i know. it just is. rock with it. this too will pass. no need for apologies. i am feeling very quiet these days. not wanting to whine or complain. tired of myself if you want to know the truth. but i want you to know i am here. and all of it is okay. spring can be tough is all. maybe it's the changing of each season that is hard. i don't know why. hugs.

  15. Thinking of you, and sending love.

  16. I'm hearing you Ms. Moon.

    Must be something in the air.


  17. Oh dear.
    I get it.
    I hope that bad dog gets his ass out of there pronto.
    Meanwhile, hang on.

  18. Thinking of you. Kick the black dog for me.

  19. Postpartum Grandma Pride/Joy/Effort.

    Take a nap day.

    Love you!

  20. I wish it was all easier. I just don't know. Maybe it's a good time to go to the doctor again, and get your meds adjusted? Maybe it would help to book a few counselling sessions? I know you've done it all before but it's always good to be able to focus on yourself without feeling you have to apologise, sometimes it just lifts the thing, or lets it out.

    Whatever you do, I hope you get some relief soon. I know just how you feel.

  21. Oh, I've fucked crazy before, and she had a black dog, but she didn't ride it in the house.

  22. I hear you
    I think I'm having ptsd from my son's accident. One day at a time. One day at a time.

  23. take it easy Ms Moon and take your time. We are not going anywhere... Just put one foot in front of the other. Nothing more.


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