I threw some stuff away, too. I'm in a throwing-away mood. I'd love to just bring the wheelbarrow into the house and start tossing stuff in it. Tossing without regard to sentimental attachment. Tossing without reflection on whether or not I will ever in this lifetime or the next want or need some specific thing.
Tossing without borders, so to speak.
I would need about fifty wheelbarrows.
Okay. In completely unrelated news, I just found this online:
Tallahassee, FL --- April 2, 2012 --- 5:37p.m.
A local minister stepped down from her post just before announcing she is an atheist.
A member of Lake Jackson United Methodist in Tallahassee says Teresa MacBain left the church Friday, March 30.
A day later, a video was posted online from a recent American Atheist Conference.
In it, MacBain came out as an atheist to the crowd.
Church members are meeting tonight to discuss leadership plans in her absence.
MacBain was with the church since 2009.
We have not been able to get in touch with MacBain or church clergy for comment.
(Thanks, Anna Amundson for the link.)
I don't even self-identify as an atheist. I just don't believe in religion. There may be a god; I don't know. But if there is, I don't think his eye is on the sparrow. The sparrow may be god for all I know.
I just don't know.
But that took some courage, I would think. Especially around here in the Deep and Very Religious South.
I went and looked at the video of her "coming out" and it was not unlike any other support-group situation. There were quite a few former ministers there. I guess I hadn't realized that religious indoctrination is so strong that if one comes to the conclusion that ones beliefs are false, it takes a whole lot of support to speak out publicly.
I remember reading about Mother Teresa and how for the last forty years of her life she did not feel as if her prayers were being heard, as if God and Jesus had removed their presence from her to the point where she sometimes wondered if they were there at all, and yet, her spiritual advisers kept reassuring her that they were indeed hearing her but that they loved her so much that they were giving her this gift of pain.
Or something like that.
And I just wonder- how can someone believe this? How can someone hold on to something for so long when there is just no proof at all of its existence?
And then hell, I realize I can't even get rid of a pair of shorts that I once loved that I haven't been able to wear in a decade and I know I should just shut my mouth.
We all hang on to things and beliefs and ways that we know, in our hearts, we have no need for anymore. That in fact, may be clogging up our closets, our hearts, our very lives. We do. That is just the way of it.
I think today I will try to start thinking about this as it pertains to my own life. To consider what life would be like if I managed to let go of things that are nothing more than gifts of pain. These things can range from that pair of old shorts to my constant need to feel guilty about things.
Huh. Well. I guess that that article WASN'T exactly completely unrelated to what I was thinking about, was it?
All right. I've taken the trash to the trash place. That's a start.
Now. To figure out a plan to see my grandsons. I suppose I better call their mother. Whom I would also really like to see.
Life's always interesting, isn't it? And humans- well, bless us. We get it wrong, we get it right, we get it both. I think that for me the important thing is to just really not be afraid of being who I am. And at the age of fifty-seven I am just really beginning to figure out who that is.
And of course, everything changes all the time and just when we think we have something nailed down and figured out, we realize we don't. Just when we think we've got the surfaces cleaned off, the dust kicks up and covers them again.
That's okay. As long as we're true to our good hearts, it'll all work out.
Yours truly...Ms. Moon