Friday, April 27, 2012

I Do Not Trust Luck

Part of my backyard with morning light

I am having the hardest time today, trying to organize any thoughts.
I've sat down here a dozen times, at least, in between all of the other things I've done, to try and figure out what it is I want to write about because I always want to write about something. That is the truth.

But whether the banks of the river are overflowing and I cannot catch what it is I want to say or whether the flow of the river is at a trickle, I cannot say.

Or the other.

But I keep coming back to a comment I got yesterday about how all of my days sound so idyllic and I am sure they do and yes, in so many ways they are. And I am glad, in a way, that this is how I make them seem because honestly, yes, that is truthful. I have this life.

Externally, it is idyllic and perhaps that is part of my problem. It is very hard, sometimes, to match the internal life I have with the external life of such sweetness. Perhaps it is as simple as the fact that I do not believe I deserve it. Perhaps it is merely and only that.

I am not sure but it is a day here in Lloyd, Florida, of just incredible beauty and on my walk I saw this

which is a wild passonflower, already blooming in its alien glory.
I did not plant it nor tend it and yet, there it was for my pleasure and my pleasure alone but of course, not really. My pleasure has nothing to do with it, nothing at all. It is merely living out its destiny beside a dirt road which very few people use. It just is.

Is it that simple? Do I overthink every damn thing way too much?

I believe this may be quite possible.

Happy Friday, y'all.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Whew. I'm so wrapped up in your idyllic life that when you don't post in the morning, I get all worked up. Where is she? I think. Where the hell is she?

    And here you are, writing of the most simple things with the underlayer of complexity. You do it well, day after day after day.

  2. Some boy's just gonna come along with a stick and whack that flower.

  3. Yep, you damn sure do over think things. Just like so many of us. Whatever, who cares, life is life and some of us are blessed with rocking good ones. As long as we appreciate the beautiful life we have and the beautiful people we are allowed to share it with, who cares if we over think it and get pissy sometimes? Fuck it, it is what it is.

    This "Some boy's just gonna come along with a stick and whack that flower." cracked me the hell up!!!

    Now hand over the recipe to that amazing sounding cake you made, woman!!!!!!

  4. Elizabeth- Oh, you beautiful woman. I always worry that you will worry. How's that for crazy-love?

    Magnum- I doubt it on that road. I'm not sure anyone walks on it but me and the deer and raccoons. Not gonna change my world if it does.
    You do make me laugh, you know. Highest honor.

    Ms. Squaw- Okay, okay. I'll do the prune cake recipe soon. Promise.

  5. Yum. I have a great recipe for lilikoi pie if you ever happen to collect some of the fruits.

  6. ooh, to that passionflower. Of course it's blooming for you. You know, I think one of the reasons your days may seem idyllic is BECAUSE of your inner turmoil. You appreciate the days that flow by like a lazy river, when you don't feel like hiding or jumping out of your skin. I guess I just mean you're such a great writer and lover of precious, easy, simple, idyllic moments because you are crazy and tortured really deep down ;-)
    Love YOU!

  7. I remember you posted a passionflower last year around this time that looked like an alien species.

    You do have a lovely life, but it's normal to fret. You're a woman, and a mother, and a grandmother. It's very deeply ingrained in us!

  8. I've long realized that some people need to look at a picture 3 days later to really FEEL the happiness they felt at the time they took that picture, or really get the joy that came from that event. For you, you need to write it down to really FEEL it. You need to make it tangible so you will feel it, and not forget. So you don't let your ya-yas take over. I get it.

  9. Oh, My! The morning light in your backyard feels wonderful even from this far away. All this and passionflowers, too?! x0 N2

  10. Idyllic and tortured...sounds like a balanced life to me.

    I don't know what I'd do if you didn't share the beautiful moments and days of your life, they add such sweetness to mine. And I don't know what I'd do if you didn't share that inner torment (although I wish you didn't have it, of course) because it makes me feel a sisterhood with you that is precious and intimate and honest.

    So sometimes you overthink and sometimes you find the simple eloquence of the whole thing, I love it all - there is NOBODY like you! That's why I'm always here xx

  11. I get that and understand. I seem to have the idyllic life too, but there are days that I cannot see that.

  12. It takes a deeply beautiful soul to portray all of life , it's violent dark gritty and sing songy blissful and calmly mundane, as the beautiful thing we get instead of death. You do that.

    It's all art, regardless of where you are coming from at that moment, and you paint with words and photos and I hope that you know how talented you are.

  13. You portray so eloquently what many people feel, but don't know how to voice.

    My father's way of saying it was to tell us, "It's a great life if you don't weaken." Your way is better.

  14. Even nothing is something...
    People think they know you because they read what you write... Often they don't seem to understand that there are big parts that you don't write about... And those parts define you as much as what you share with the world.
    ALthough, grin, yes, you do write a lot about everything and all, which is one of the charms of your blog.
    Continue to do what you do and write what you write, you will for sure get tired of it before we do... ;o)))


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.